:/

I think I'm going to be sick...

call me selfish.

but I need you here,

if only for the little bit.

Waiting

Can you believe I only have to wait eight more days? Doesn't seem like very long, does it? Not after eight months. Not after two months. To you, it may seem to pass in the blink of an eye.

But to me?

I'm counting every excruciating second.

Judgment Day

People these days are so judgmental. Even among the lowest of us, there's a social ranking. Amongst the liars, the thieves, the rapists, and the murderers, lie the lowest of the low: the pedophiles. The worst treated criminals out of all the deviants. Not that what they did wasn't wrong - they certainly deserve to be condemned to a life of hell. But the liars, the thieves, the rapists, and the murderers all are despicable as well. Yet they hold themselves above, they reserve the right to judge, that they take it upon themselves to judge any one else is wrong and hypocritical. In my opinion, you're all scum.

I want the world to see you be with me, with me.

I love you. :)

This Picture.

This picture makes me sad. 

This is what being 

misplaced

lost

broken

and alone

looks like.

If I were that machine,

I'd cry.

Your sex is on fire.

I'm getting anxious. I'm ready to wake up to him every morning. I'm ready to be with him, 24/7, again. I'm counting every second and I've got 13 days left till he's here. 12 days, 22 hours and 56 minutes to be exact. 55 minutes. I can't just sit here and count. I need to be busy. I need this time to fly. Seven days isn't going to be enough. A lifetime wouldn't be enough. I'm starting to remember the little things I had to forget in order to stop hurting. The feel of his arms around me as we slept. The sound of his heartbeat. The warmth of his love. The moments where I could just drown in euphoria. I'm starting to remember the exact shape of his lips, and how they molded perfectly with mine. The things I never wanted to forget, but had to because of the pain. I just can't wait and I can't just let him leave. He could stay. We could figure out a way to make it work. Because I'm starting to remember how it feels to have it hurt that he's so far away.

Nightmares.

I've been dreaming a lot lately about the scariest things. Things attacking me. People I love leaving me. Killing people. People I don't even know; Innocent people. Inanimate objects, like the house, controlling my mind into letting it kill me. Ferris Wheels looming over my house like an omen. My mother and father screaming my fears at me. I don't even know where it's coming from. All I know is that I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't know why these nightmares are manifesting, what they mean, what I've done... 
I literally had a dream that a house was attacking me. Things were coming out the walls to pull me in with them. The house was controlling my mind to not stop them. There was nothing I could do, I was so powerless. It sounds silly, but I was so scared. I didn't know how to handle myself. It wasn't okay. I had a dream that I killed someone with my father. That was the dream with the Ferris Wheel. An innocent person, in my way of finding out what happened to Adam and why he left me. He didn't do anything wrong, and I killed him. I straight up stabbed him multiple times in the stomach and my dad and I hid the body. And I know I'd never do that. I could never kill someone, especially someone who was innocent. 

I want them to stop. I want them to go away. I want to feel safe falling asleep again. And I don't know how to do that. It's not like I can afford therapy. It's not like I've ever had dreams like this before. Or at least, not this often. They only started after I got back from Memphis. I don't know what they mean. I don't know why they stay. But I don't want to be afraid of falling asleep anymore.

True

What amazes me is the way you see yourself. I can see you so strong, so beautiful, so independent and amazing, yet you see yourself in such a different light. You see imperfections and you're the only one who sees them. What you fear strikes me as something that would only empower you. And you letting someone, anyone, bring you down just blows my mind. I don't understand it. I don't understand how you could settle for less than being treated like a queen. What amazes me even more is that you do it out of love. I just wish you could see you as every one else sees you. You're amazing. You hold your self so well in spite of everything. You're strong-willed. You're a great friend. I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect for anyone else, you just have to make sure you're being treated with respect by everyone else. Nobody's perfect, so nobody should ever hold you to that standard, not even yourself. You're loved. 

For Adam.

"Something Happy."

An old love.

Hear it, I'm screaming it. You tremble at the sound. You sink into my clothes. This invasion makes me feel worthless hopeless sick.

It's time to rock and roll, let's hit the bar, let's lose control. One false move, you took me home. One false move and you're all alone.

Standing on the rooftops, waiting till the bomb drops, this is all we've got now, scream until your heart stops, never gonna regret watching every sunset, we'll listen to your heartbeat, all the love that we've found

Heave the silver hollow sliver, piercing through another victim. turn and tremble, be judgmental, ignorant to all the symbols, blind the face with beauty past, eventually you'll one day know.

False perceptions that brought forth these questions of truth love and hope. Now that you're injuring I'll carry you with me just please hold on. Love's not all lost but it's nailed to my cross and crucified all that I've held on to be awaiting anticipating a touch such as yours. 

August evenings bring solemn warnings to remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight. You never know what temporal days may bring. Laugh, love, live free and sing. When life is in discord praise ye the Lord. Who's gonna call on Sunday morning? Who's gonna drive you home? I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands. I thought you said forever (Over and over). This sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion.

Can you help him, he's right on his latest mistake.

Sometimes I feel like...
The mosquito buzzing in your ear. I'm just your average annoyance and I can tell you don't want me here.
Most of the time, I can't feel your love as strongly. You may know it's there, but I don't. And it hurts. Which is why I get frustrated. Because it's so frustrating to be so in love with you... 

And not feel that you love me, too.

Sure, you say it. I hear you. But saying it isn't enough, because you used to show it. Even four thousand miles away, I could feel it. 

I want more than anything to feel it, and I try. I just don't know how anymore. I can't drag it out of you, I can't make you show that you love me. And I can't beg anymore. Can you not hear me begging?

So, I guess that the cards are in your hands now. Because I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a complete loss. But I can't lose you.