Fuck youuuu.

How you gonna be all up in my face like that? How you gonna act a bitch like that? Fuck you, I don't want you no more. And like, maybe, yeah I should've deleted that quote when I had the chance, but when I got there I still  believed that we were meant to be. But fuck that, we ran our course. It was the best run we could've had and we made great time. I don't regret a minute of it, but I don't want it back. I want to thank you so much for everything I learned with you and all the amazing times we had, but I can find that again, bigger and better, and I can see the other fish in the sea. (hehe... play on words. see, sea?) So fuck you, for gettin all up in my face over the silliest little things. I understand you hurt, I know you just lost someone and I'm truly sorry that you're hurting. But I don't hurt over you anymore and you can't ruin that just because you're in your own pain.

Fun is a really good kisser.

I feel better, now that I've got it out of my system. Adam doesn't want to come back. Frankly, I couldn't do long distance again and he's not moving here, that's for sure. So that's why it's so exciting that I'm having fun.

Fun is a REALLY good kisser...

IpromisedI'dfindareallygoodkisser,didn'ti?


And he's a sweetheart. Like, okay, he's not this college going graduate with a good job, but hey, it's not like we're anything serious. We're just having fun. But he really is adorable. Like at the party, he said he purposely didn't smoke anything because he "had the feeling I wouldn't approve." Good boy.

Fun gives me butterflies and I'm not expecting a relationship and I'm okay with that. Fun feels goooood. Fun hasn't tried to push me into doing anything I don't want to do which is great. And did I mention?

Fun is a really good kisser...

Love the way you lie- EMIN3M Ft. Rhianna

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
That's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

 I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin' hates me
And I love it, wait, where you goin'?
I'm leavin' you, no you ain't come back
We're runnin' right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great
I'm superman with the wind in his back, she's lois lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
That's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at em
You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch pop hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the face that's the culprit, controls you both
So they say it's best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
That's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm just gon aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to fuckin' leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I can't get over this song. It's just a perfect representation of my emotions. I knew Recovery was going to be really good for me. Thank you Shadyyy.

Shhh, it's a secret.

I love you.
for a second, I had hope. mistake number 1.
but to be fair, I was pretty tipsy. 
(yeah. me. tipsy.)
So since I can't stop loving you,
I guess I'll just have to go back to dealing with it on my own.
No more false hope.

I'm worth more.

You wanna be mad? Fine. Attack me with everything you can spit.
Put me through the goddamn wringer. (again). Let's see how I handle it.
I'm not going to antagonize you. Not gonna let you win.
I was ready, willing to be the bigger person, fucker.
And let me tell you, baby, I gave more than a damn.
Let you define who I was, who you think I am.
But you, you gotta go start those fights.
You gotta bring those things up like fire and ice.
All that respect I gave to you, maturity I brought into this situation,
You're throwin it out the window, won't even consider cooperation.
So fine, be the baby, see how much I give a damn.
Because I know, I'm worth more than you fuckin think I am.
And baby, I know now, I wasn't anything you wanted.
You told me lies, put up a front and broke my heart, with no remorse.
Honey, always remember, you chose this fuckin course.
No more playin games with me, I'm sick of you.
Being too fuckin stubborn to work anything through.
So do who you want, baby I don't give a damn.
Because I know, I'm worth more than you fuckin think I am.
I'm throwin the fuckin towel in, this shit just got real.
Fucker, it ain't me. I don't know what's your fuckin deal.
And when you're done being angry, let's see how this goes.
I'll watch you try and try again to put on another show.
I know who you were, and I know who you are now.
And I know I'll be gone when you come back around.
So live how you want, I don't give a damn.
I know, yeah I know, I'm worth more than you fuckin think I am.

Fantasy in Real Life.

I've lived a pretty rational life.
Don't get me wrong - I have some amazing, ideallistic ideas.
But I've always had that voice in the back of my head saying, it's not going to happen like this... This is what's really going to happen. This is real life. And guess what? Real life, it ALWAYS happens. Like, I wanted to be a secret FBI agent when I was a kid. But I knew I'd probably do something more realistic. Like teach. So instead of playing agent, I played teacher.
This side of me is why it's been a week and I've been able to be okay. I know I'm going to be fine. Things will get better over time. I know this all.
But you, you were my one fairytale come true. I met somebody and I fell in love. And you loved me back. You didn't just like me for a couple weeks and decide I was to insane for you, you embraced my insanity and loved me. ME. Of all people. Who was single almost all through high school. Who thought she'd never find someone who thought her beautiful inside and out. So the fact that you were doing something that was completely irrational and actually sweeping me off my feet blew my mind. You were my romantic comedy, my guy that I fell so head over heels in love with that I flew across the country to be with. You were my ideal fantasy in real life. The two have never coincided before.
So it's some combination of all these facts that lead me to believe that we're going to be together in the long run. I've had these fantasies that you flew to Alaska to be with me, that this dating Heather thing that you're doing was a joke, that this whole time I've been dreaming and I'll wake up in the morning. I've had these fantasies - and that little voice is saying "it's not really happening. that's never going to come true." Just like it's always said. But when I think to myself that you're going to miss me, and you're going to ask to be with me again, the little voice nods his head in agreement. My little, 100% rational voice, that I've always trusted, is telling me it's true. And for 19 years, he hasn't been wrong. So yeah, I'm going to be okay. Because we're going to be okay. You're going to realize that you love me too much to have just let me go.
But see, I'm confused.
Why hasn't it happened yet?
I mean, I guess it only has been a week. And I've been breathing just fine with out you. Don't get me wrong, I miss you like hell. And I know I still love you, and that I'll always love you. But I guess you're just too distracted to see that. To see that she'll never, ever love you like I love you. It'll never be the same as us. Because you and I have what it takes to make it. She's just a home wrecker. You're too immature to understand what she is. But you'll grow up. You're going to be an amazing man, once you do. I just know it. And if we don't get back together (if you've finally convinced that little voice of something other than the truth), then I'll still be okay. I suppose. People move on from heartbreak all the time. Notice how no one says they recover? Just move on? As for you, I hope you accomplish your dreams. I hope you join the Marine Corps as an officer, I hope you love your military career, and I hope your home is full of every gun you ever wanted. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I can't hate you anymore.

I can't hate you anymore...

What a concept. I think your "relationship" with Heather is garbage, and I want to tear her fucking eyes out, skin her while she's alive and pull every muscle from her bone by hand, but I can't hate you anymore. Even after what you've done. You've successfully broken my heart, and I'm in the process of putting these puzzle pieces back together. My heart, it'll never be the same. The cracks will heal, fill with scar tissue, and those scars, those lines over my heart will always belong to you. I don't think I would change that. I wouldn't change anything that has happened for the world. And I honestly mean that.

I love you, and it doesn't hurt me to say it. It's just fact. It's just a statement that will be true for forever. I may no longer be IN love with you, but I was. It was the greatest first experience of my life.

So when you realize how much you still love me, I'll be here. And I'll listen. I love you enough to work with you. I'm done with being angry, so I can't honestly say I wouldn't take you back. I've never honestly said I wouldn't take you back. It'd take time, it'd take effort. You'd have to show interest in rebuilding my trust in you. But I'll be here.

Gilmore Girls.

"You know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, two years ago! And you know it too, I know you do! Look, don't say no just to make me stop talking or to make me go away. Only say no if you really don't want to be with me" -Jess


Yeah. It didn't work for me, either, Jess.

Jewel and I have something in common.

Lyrics - You were meant for me by Jewel.

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far away from where I've been
I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
Got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks and make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off of the mirror, don't leave the keys in the door
I never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me and I was meant for you

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'cause it was happy and I was sad and
It made me miss you oh so bad cause

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me and I was meant for you

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
(Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line)
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken every day

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick up a book and turn the sheets down and then
Take a deep breath and a good look around

Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I, I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me and I was meant for you
Yeah, you were meant for me and I was meant for you

♥

Two words.

It's been three days since we've last talked, and in those three days I've had to do a lot of growing up. I've kept looking at my phone to see if you'd miss me, but apparently you haven't. I want to talk to you but at the same time, I know it'd do me no good. I need to hate you for a little bit longer. Someday, most likely someday soon, I'll want my best friend back. Today was almost that day. But it's not, because I still need to hate you. So... Enjoy your time. I'm having fun. Softball tonight was amazing. I'm living perfectly with out you. It's not the same, but I'm breathing... And I'm okay. That's the important thing.

I'm okay.

Things that are NOT going to happen.

I AM NOT...


Going to let you win... You will NOT get the best of me and you will NO LONGER tear me down.

Yes, I still care. I still hurt but you will NOT get joy out of this.

I will NEVER let you break me again.

I will NOT let you break me any more.


You will NEVER find someone who loves you like I did, and you WILL have to live with that for the REST of your life.

FUCK THAT.

You're quite honestly the biggest asshole I know. I hate you so much right now. I'm going to find someone so much better than you. Someone who works well with me ALL the time, and not just most of the time. Someone prettier than you. Someone who wears socks with their tennis shoes! Someone who will always show me how much they love me, and not just do it whenever they choose.

I hate you. I hope she makes you amazingly happy. Then I hope she rips your heart out and stomps on it, and leaves you for someone else. I hope she lies to you about it. I hope that everything you did to me, happens with her. And most of all, I hope you sleep with her and she gives you the clapp. You make me sick.

And on this day I love you.

If I were to be granted one wish, I'd wish that I could go back exactly fifteen days in time, with the knowledge that I have now. And I'd spend every second I could telling you about how and why I love you. I'd tell you what it is about you that makes me feel amazing. I'd apologize for being so self-centered. I'd tell you everything that I hadn't told you in a while about how amazing you are. I'd poke a little bit of fun at you because that's how we were, that's what we'd do. I'd spend the next fifteen days putting 100% of my effort into making you feel appreciated. Because despite how under-appreciated I felt, I think back on what had been going on lately and wonder if you felt that I under-appreciated you. And if after re-living just those fifteen days and trying to make things better, you still didn't want to be with me, I'd be willing to attempt to move on.

I want to...

Scream.

I want to get my ass down to Tennessee and make you tell me to your face that you don't need me.
I want to call you, and curl up and cry at you until I feel better, until you tell me you love me (like I KNOW you do).

I know you need me. You've needed me all along. You need me just as much as I need you and I want to be able to tell you that I love you again. It KILLS me talking to you and not being able to tell you. It kills me to not be able to call you. It kills me to not be with you. It kills me that you're hanging out with Heather. It kills me when people tell me there's plenty of other fish in the sea.

YEAH. THERE'S A FUCKLOAD OF FISH IN THE GODDAMN SEVEN SEAS. I DON'T WANT TO DATE A FUCKING FISH. THAT'D BE NASTY. And plus, even if I were to take what they say at it's metaphorical value, no other fish is YOU.

Do you know how hard it is for me to think of going through everything I've been through with you, with someone else? How could you want that? How could you want to leave me?

I hate. I'm angry. We BELONG together, you fuck. It's absolutely RETARDED that we're NOT together. Six thousand miles shouldn't have killed us, because we had plans to make it through. You and I were going to tough it out together because we love each other. Plain and fucking simple. And I KNOW you're going through a lot but like I've already told you, I would've been there for you through everything.

But there's one thing that I want more than anything else.

I want to wrap myself in your arms again, tell you exactly how much I love you, kiss you goodnight and fall asleep...

Shit... This is my fault...

I definitely shouldn't have read Cosmo articles...

Apparently, I know nothing about guys.

You weren't silent every time I got mad because you didn't care. You were silent because you're a guy! And when you're born with a penis your taught to be tough, to not be emotional because that's "girl stuff" and that's just how you are! And I pissed you off and pushed you away because I got mad at you for being silent.

And according to this particular Cosmo article, you didn't stop being such a romantic because you didn't care, but because (surprise) it's normal guy behavior to get comfortable in a relationship and not feel like they have to put the romantic effort into it. ""When a man is confident his relationship is solid, he enters a comfort zone," says Dr. Haltzman. "He'll stop doing those extras because he doesn't need them and assumes you don't either." Unfortunately, this leaves you feeling insecure." Cosmo says. I know for a fact that me being insecure made you angry. 


I irritated the SHIT out of you and per your nature, you never told me. I wish it hadn't of built up to this. 

I love you.

I firmly believe that two people who love each other should be together.
    Which means this circumstance has been gone about wrongly.
    Which means you and I should be together.

Isn't not being with me and missing me going to hurt more than being with me and missing me?

I AM BREAKING.
How can you not be? How can you not be talking to me?

I'm sick to my stomach. I can't eat. I can't smile with out feeling like my heart is being cut apart with dull scissors.
    Side note- I haven't had to write the word scissors in a long time. It was confusing.

I'm praying (literally, believe it or not) that you will want me back. I know it'll take a while, but I know that we weren't over. Because our love is amazing. Because we rely on each other. Because you  need me. You'll need me soon.

I miss you so much. It hurts to love you. It never hurt to love you before. Loving you is what made everything that ever bothered me for the past year hurt less. It shouldn't hurt to love you. It shouldn't of hurt you to love me. I HATE that it hurt you. I hate that you never told me.

We had plans. We were going to work through this. It was going to work out and we were going to be together every day. We were talking about driving each other crazy with being together and it was driving you crazy being apart.
     And you  never said a word.

You've changed me. Into a person that doesn't know how to exist with out you.
It's hard to believe that you're existing without me.

I love you enough to have wanted to fix this.

All this stress and I had never dreamed...

...that you would just give up on me. :/

I want to know when we couldn't handle the distance anymore... I want to know when it became too much for both of us. I want to know when love wasn't enough, because your love was everything.

NO!

I refuse to give up just yet. Because things had just started getting better. And I could feel him love me again, and he's going to have a good reason, I just know it. Because I'm not ready to just let him go. Because I love him.

And if he doesn't have a legitimate reason, I'll re-evaluate.

Because if I were to talk about the good, it'd take a while. There IS good, there's a lot of good. So, No. I'm not going to give up just yet. I just can't.

The best compliment I've ever received :)

Timothy Snow-Gates: I like how you speak your mind, like when my lover of the day was Kevin Alt and you stuck up for me. You have a kind soul, and an open heart.

Red Sun.

On my way home, I saw the Red Sun. Our sun. Earth's sun shining down on us through a filter of smoke hovering over our homely town of Fairbanks, Alaska. I noticed it as I drove down Steese and decided I needed to take a visit to the cemetery. I didn't get out of my car, but there was no need. I knew what I was doing, who I was doing it with and what they'd be wearing. At that moment I was an artist, under the Red Sun. And tonight it was what I needed. Not what I wanted, because what I wanted I can't get yet, but it's what I needed to settle me enough to stop myself from freaking out and trying to find my damn emotions. I've been pulled up and down the Richter Scale on emotions this past week. Within a twelve hour period I went from saying goodbye to my best friend indefinitely to knowing that I'd see him in another twelve hours. In that order. But I'm not here to talk about those emotions, I already wrote my goodbye out on this blog. You know what I noticed on my trip to the Cemetery under the Red Sun? I noticed a bunch of broken homes. Now, I have no idea of any of these families situations, but I know they were homes because they were lived in. Broken fences, make-shift pathways and accumulations of living in a small house over a few years. I saw an elephant and I recalled elephants being a good luck charm in front of your home. In this broken area, in our decrepit cemetery I found peace for a little bit.
I've been finding myself longing to be in protective arms, and wondering how much longer I can stand this. So much of who I am asks for physical comfort. Something I can't get without Adam here. It could be a year from now before I get that again from him. I love him to death but being apart is what's killing me. At the same time I'm incapable of just saying "Fuck it" because I've never loved before and I just can't imagine letting him go.
Do you by chance want to hear a really inspirational song? One that only encourages me to move forward even when I'm lacking in motivation? "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run. I heard this song my freshman year in high school and it's still one of my all time favorites. I even took the time to learn it on the piano 100%, it took the course of a year. But I had the dedication to do it. I think Lavina would really love that song. Also, "And We All Return To Our Roots" by The Forecast. Heard that about the same time, but I haven't ever been able to hold on to that song... I've always meant to buy it on iTunes but never actually done so. I'm not sure why but that seems to be my relationship with that particular song now. I just find it when I need it in my life. There used to be this really good show on FUSE called Steven's Untitled Rock Show, and I found both of those songs on that show. I miss that show to pieces. It seems like everybody my age has this huge connection with music and I don't want to be grouped with the masses by talking about songs that I've lived through and labelled as just another teenager living life. But I'm a musician, it's what I do. In Australia, Jesse Mancini and I danced to the song "Blood Red Summer" by Coheed and Cambria five times straight, instead of going to the talent show. He was someone I had a huge connection with, and we could only live out three weeks of our lives together. Sometimes I wonder if he remembers me, if he ever thinks about me. We could've fallen in love. I'll never stop believing that. But I understand that the time has passed, and I've fallen in love with someone else. Which is ok. It's more than ok, it's great. When I was 15, my sophomore year, Michael Berglin (HUGE DOUCHE) took me to prom. We were never going to work out because he was a bit retarded and I was just too young, but on the ride home afterwards, "By the Way" by RHCP was on the radio, and Logan was in the back drumming along. Michael and I were singing. It was nice to have our fucked up little "date" end on such a good note. That was my first date, actually. I've only actually been on two dates prior to Adam. And even then, Adam and I were already together when we went on our "first date." Sydney and I used to listen to Eminem all the time in sixth grade. He was practically our hero. Once again in Australia, I found his version of "Like Toy Soldiers" in our host family's cd collection. I absolutely love it. It's actually playing right now, it's perfect for this mood. Rachel and I must've listened to it a hundred times in 3 days. She was so nice those 3 days and such a bitch the rest of the trip... But I still have this picture she drew for me.
I wish I knew what I was doing. I mean, I know I'm going to school. I'm making money. But I want to live. I want to go on a road trip. I want to fly to Germany and visit Auschwitz. I want to see Stonehenge and I want to tour the Coliseum. I want to get out and travel, and frankly, that's ALL I want to do. Fuck school. Fuck making money, paying bills, worrying about people. I just want to get out and see as much of the world as I possibly can. I want to get a Challenger and drive the worth out of it. But it's not about what I want to do.
It's about what I need to do.