Play The Game - an evil thought.

What if I made you love me, just because it was easy? 
What if I took the temptation just for the attention, 
but I didn't really want you? 
What if I made you swoon,
flirted with you and seduced you just for the hell of it?
What if I kissed you and caressed you,
ensured that you missed me, 
played you just like they played me?
Would it make me such a bad person?
Even further, what if I found it thrilling, 
having someone adore me
that I could care less about?
What if I used you just to have you around
when I wanted you?
What if I made you fall in love with me,
just so I could play the game?

Despicable Me.

There's something in you that redefines friend. This week for me has been hell. I've been put down by everybody and dealt with my psycho insane family and borderline verbal abuse. I've been the most stressed I've been in a really long time. And I needed tonight. Something about just being in your room, talking and laughing with you, makes me not so stressed. There's something about knowing that if I need to get something off my chest, you'll listen. And offer great advice. There's something to be said about how relieving it is to drive around dancing to Akon and getting silly looks. There's something to remember about being attention getters.
Even just wearing your clothes and smelling your individual scent makes my body relax because with you, I'm safe. I don't have to worry about anything because you're never going to do what he is doing.
Thank you for offering that serenity.

Life

 You were a spark inside of me that I don't even remember. A part of my life that I'll never get back. But from a spark inside me you grew into a flame and you kindled inside me for months. And then a raging gust of wind made you into a burning fire that wracked my body for seventeen unbearable hours until you were out of me. Now I'm holding you in my arms and you're a spark again. A spark of life, a spark of love. You are perfect. Ten little toes and ten little fingers, two tiny feet and and two tiny hands, one little body and one oversized head that you've yet to grow into. You are the literal definition of a bundle of joy and I make this promise to always love you.

I'm cooing at you and you're smiling away and I'm smiling back and I love you ten times more than I did yesterday, a hundred times more than the day before and a thousand times more than two days ago. My love for you has always grown exponentially since the day you were born. As we're smiling away you laugh at me and I squeal. Your first laugh! You're laughing! Oh, your giggle is an absolute melody that would put Vivaldi to shame. I could almost cry I'm so happy.


You're stumbling and you're a bit bruised but I'm elated because you've finally taken your first steps. You're marching to the rhythm of your own drum. Padum, padum, padum, pa-thunk. You fall. You turn and look at me, wondering whether to laugh or cry. I'm currently doing both but you notice my wide smile and giggle that same giggle that put all music to shame. I make a mental note to buy you tennis shoes.

We're sitting at the table eating breakfast and I'm in a rush because I've got to get you to daycare and I've got appointments with ten different clients, three of which I'm going to have to put on suicide watch today. I finish my cereal and throw a few papers in my folder, finishing up last minute things while you finish your breakfast and I hear you mumble something that makes me come to a startling halt. "What was that, sweetie?" Did you just say what I thought I heard? You repeat yourself and I smile. "Mommy," you repeat for the third time. "Mommy, mommy, mamamamamamamamommy." I sweep you up and hug you, and gaze into your big, beautiful blue eyes as you say once again, "Mommy."

"Mommy, book." "Mommy, up." "Airplane!" "Mommy, look, horsey!" "Mommy! Baff time!" "Mommy, seepy." "Mommy, truck." "Mommy, red." "Mommy, I'm hungry." "Mommy, I want this."
"Mommy, I love you."

Can we just stop here? You're growing up too fast and I miss the days where you wore tiny clothes and couldn't form full sentences and I could hold you for hours without you getting too heavy. Soon, you're going to learn to hate me. Soon, you're going to ask who your daddy is and I don't want you to know. I don't even know and even if I did, I don't want to share my daughter with anybody. Stop here while you're still too young for the world to hurt you. Please, don't turn three. Whatever you do, stay with me as you are, always.

"Moooom!!! I'm gonna be fine, mommy! Just leave! Come on, there's a thousand other kids here! Mommy, go!!! You're embarrassing me! Please, mommy, just leave! Stop crying, Mommy. Stop it. Mommy, go! Mommy, I want to go to Kindergarten and be smart like you, but you need to leave so I can learn!" You're too smart for me.

"Mom! I need you to sign this!" Well, what is it? "I got in trouble at school today. Johnny Bishop was talking smack to me so I smacked him!" I never raised you to be like that. "But you raised me to stand up for myself." Well, you're in 8th grade. Let's keep the violence to a minimum. Deal? "Whatever, Mom."


Clean your goddamned room! Don't be such a pig! Do your chores! Don't make me have to force you to pay rent! You can't go out with Dean tonight if you're gonna talk to me like that! I don't care if it's his one night with the car! Your cell phone bill is too high, I expect you to pay the difference! "Mom! Stop nagging me! God, I hate you so much sometimes!" My mind flashes back to the first time you told me you loved me, and I start to cry.



You're graduating from Stanford today, law degree in hand. Not only that, but you're the valedictorian. As you stand to speak, I see your hands shake. I'm smiling and I'm crying, just like I've always done for you. You talk about your achievements in life, you talk about your classmates' achievements as well. You narrate the journey you're all about to take into the careers you've all chosen and you start smiling with pride. That's my girl. You near the end of your speech and your voice quivers. "Last, I'd like to thank the one person who's always loved me. She's loved me since day one and every day since then her love has grown exponentially. Even when I told her I hated her, she's had my back. She raised me on her own and I owe her everything. I love you, Mom." I love you, too.

I watch you live your life. Your career takes off like wildfire. You meet a great man and you get married before I'm ready for it. I see the same spark that you were in me begin to grow in you. I hold your hand as you sweat through seventeen hours of labor (payback!) and you and your husband welcome my grandchild into this world. I watch through two more pregnancies, two more deliveries, and love three grandchildren.

Without me knowing it, something has sparked inside me. Like you, it catches a gust of wind and rages like wildfire inside my body. But, instead of growing life, it's death. Death ravages my body until I just can't take it anymore. We've been in this hospital and you've been by my side every day for the past year as I try to fight this wildfire that won't let me go. It's burned every last bit of my insides, and I know I've got to go. I look into your big blue eyes, and they take me back. 

I'm seeing your ten tiny perfect little fingers and your ten tiny perfect little toes. I can see your first steps, I can hear your innocent laughter, and I can feel the first "I love you," once more. I smile wide and I start to cry. I want to tell you but these tears have me too choked up. You put in my CD, a composition of Vivaldi and Tchaikovsky pieces. I close my eyes to rest for just a little bit. "I love you, Mom." I love you, too. I open my eyes, connect them one last time with yours. In them I see everything.

Ten fingers, ten toes, footsteps, laughter, love, learning, me, and you. I see it all. I see you graduating high school. I see you in your wedding dress. I see you in third grade. I see you as you leave for your first date. I see you when you're pregnant when your first child. Then suddenly, 

I see nothing but white light. 

You and me, and me and you.

We stumbled through a small part of middle school together. You'd just shown up in Alaska and I was the awkward kid nobody wanted to be friends with. We were friends immediately in my mind, although in yours I imagine that I was just an annoying kid you tolerated. Plus, I let you copy my homework in social studies. For a couple months, that was us. The two kids in social studies who couldn't stay quiet and were polar opposites. But we had similar interests. And you didn't know it then, and I only knew it subconsciously, but we were going to be long time friends.
You left for middle school somewhere else. We didn't talk for months until high school, when I saw you and you recognized me instantly - and welcomed me back like an old friend. You even invited me to your house for lunch that day with everybody else. You didn't exclude me. You made me feel like somewhere, I belonged. Even when nobody liked me, you stuck around, sometimes whether you wanted to or not. I wonder if you felt like you had to protect me from the dangers of the world. People were so vicious. There was a time we fell apart as friends because of Tessa. She didn't want you talking to me. Between me and her, what happened, happened. But afterwards I came searching for you, I forgave you for ignoring me, and once again, we welcomed each other back like old friends. We were younger than we are now but we were mature enough to do it then. And we battled through high school together. You always forgave me when I became too obnoxious because of my retarded crush on you, and I always forgave you when you got frustrated with me.
It's what we've always done. Forgiven each other and welcomed each other back like old friends. You've helped me through so much of life and I'd like to think that I was important in your life, too. And the past year we've been the closest we've ever been and now we're falling apart. Six years after that first day we met, we're falling apart because of miscommunication.
Is it really so hard to believe that I was legitimetally teasing you?! Do you not care enough about me to give me the benefit of the doubt? Do you really have THAT much of a problem with me, or are you being a drama queen like usual?!?! Seriously, I've always hoped better of you... And it hurts, more than anything, that you're doing this to me. It hurts more than Adam leaving me. It hurts more than Sable dying. It hurts that my best friend is shutting me out like this. Please, stop it. Forgive me and welcome me back like the old friend I am and always will be. I'll forgive you, too. Because you've got stuff to apologize for, as well.

Hello, friend.

You've infiltrated your way in, slowly but surely. You've captured my mind and I spend hours on end replaying moments and picturing that smile. I don't want you here, any more. I never wanted to like you this much. You were just really fun to kiss. Really easy on the eyes. And really fun to flirt with. I didn't expect to put myself through this much for you.
But then I saw past just those eyes and that killer smile.
I saw you as a person. I saw your free spirit and independence. I heard about how you've worked hard for everything you've gotten. I experienced your outright honesty. I've lived through your hospitality several times. I've butted heads with you many times because of how stubborn we both are about everything.
See... But when I saw all this, you stopped kissing me.
I was confused. But you were still cuddling with me - although I must admit I pushed that a bit. And you were texting ME. I tried to not initiate conversation, to not seem desperate. But you'd be so distant and then you'd do things like walk past me and scratch my back on the way. You'd smile at me with that killer smile, that spark in your killer eyes. Face it, you're a killer and you know it. And then, there was the no phone disaster of 2010. (Four whole days of no phone - it only killed me).
And you weren't inviting me out any more.
I was so confused when I finally saw you. Like, it'd only been all of a week and it had seemed like forever. But Keber told me to play hard to get so hard to get I played. And you CALLED me. That blew my mind - you made the effort to call me just to talk for a few minutes. Making effort - that's showing interest, right? Or am I reading too much into that? 
And there were the smiles when you text me. I was gonna be in north pole anyways, so yeah, I might as well give you your silly hat (that looks soo good on you). Somehow telling me that if I want to drop it off, I could, with a smile, it just seemed... Seemed like you wanted to see me. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.  And I was just going to give it to you and leave. But you wanted me to hang out, so of course I said yes. I'm too hooked on you to not say yes.
And you're thinking of me at one in the morning quite often. Because that's when I get those texts from you when I haven't seen you for a day or two: "what up." Not saying much but you're thinking of me. I'm wayy too hooked on you. You're like a drug I never meant to do more than once. And I'm having withdrawals and it's driving me absolutely insane.
I want to go back to being the backseat of His car before Her party. I want to re-live Her party. I want to walk back home with you, hand in hand, again. I want to go back to two parties before that, when we first kissed. When you were determined to not taste like alcohol for me. When I didn't have to worry about me liking you too much. Or if I were just overthinking all of this.

A Rainboy of a Blog.

I don't need you to protect me from you. I'm a big girl and can handle myself.
I appreciate the sentiment, though.


I love who I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not ready for change.
Doesn't mean I'll change everything, either.


I AM worth waiting for.
Would you stick around to find out?


If the answer is no, then fine. You're not gonna break my heart.
But at least tell me to my face.



I miss you. This is my preparation for telling you. Telling you that I want to "take you into my arms and tell you I never expected you to be perfect. I miss you being my friend but I can only love you for who you are if you let me." I can't handle it when people are so ashamed of who they are as THEMSELVES that they try to cover it up and make themselves appear as someone they're not. Always be straight up with me, because I'm always gonna see through your cover ups. 


I missed you so much.
Thank you for not calling me out my cowardice. For accepting my faults and having fun just like old times. And thank you for making me brave the mexican food, even if I only got a fajita quesadiLLa.


In twenty one hours and thirty two minutes, I'm going to be nineteen. I have no idea why I get so excited about my birthday each year, it just always happens to be the absolute BEST DAY EVER unfailingly each year. I'm hoping this year doesn't disappoint. 

Only human.

Wow, I'm rude.

And a liar.

And too quick on my toes.

So I'd understand if you wanted to just not be around me. I haven't been the nicest person. But I'm going to try to be a better person. I'm going to try to be less selfish. I'm going to try to see at least one more good thing in everyone than bad things. I'm going to try to be happy but not at the expense of others. I'm going to brush off what I've done and try to turn a new leaf. I'm only human, and I'm still young, so I'm allowed to make mistakes. Doesn't make it okay, it just means that I have time to be a better person if I actively try. I'll try my best.

Cowardice.

what if I were a coward? what if I knew exactly what I'd done to wrong you, and that's why I haven't faced you? what if I were too afraid to try and fix this because it means I'd have to face what a shitty person I've been?  what if I knew you'd been an amazing person and don't deserve to be treated like how I treated you? what if I knew that I hurt you? what if the guilt was tearing me apart?

you should know the truth....
I'm a coward.

Adios, Amiga.

If every time I open my mouth
state my opinion
you're going to act the bitch to me,
then fine.
at least have the fucking courage
do it to my fucking face.
I mean, I don't give a fuck
when's the last time
we talked anyways?
You weren't there for me when
I hurt.
You weren't there for me
ever.
So, fuck you. Because,
Bitch, I don't need you.
Never have, never will.
You always were a shitty friend
and now I can
feel
your words behind my back.
I can
hear
your whispers, rude comments,
I CAN SEE YOUR CONDESCENDING TONE.
And I don't need that anyways.
You've always been
and always will be
a bitch.
I'm too happy in life for that right now,
anyways.
So. Adios amiga, cause here's your own personalized
FUCK YOU.

Love and Sex and Magic.

Things that make me feel sexy.
Skinny dipping.
Sun bathing topless.
My shoulders.
Short shorts.
Knee-length socks.
Tights.
My face when it's tan enough to hide how red it is.
Working under the hood of my car.
Someone running their fingers down my rib cage.
Slow kisses.
Baby Blue Eyes (staring at me).
Wearing a sweater and no bra.
Playing softball in the sunshine.
Those jeans.
Corsets.
People complimenting my boobs.
Pedicures.
Riding my jeep with no doors & roof.
Dancing.
Boys winking at me. (there's one exception to that.)
Kicking Ass in a Call of Duty match.


This thing that you did, that I can't explain... It just felt amazing. Boy, your hands work wonders. 




Ilovefeelingsexy.

I'm sorry

I've been so caught up in everything.
Living life one day at a time.
Kissing cute boys. Not being home, ever.
I'd forgotten about my promise, to help you take life
one week at a time.
And that is my fault and I'm sorry.

And I'm really glad you'll forgive me.
Even when I'm not the person I should've been.

Skinny Dipping

Do you know what I did today?

Me.


I went skinny dipping with Jessy, and Sean stole our clothes. Okay, so story. Jessy, Sean and I were supposed to meet up with Garrett and Keber at a gravel pit to go swimming, but by the time the three of us got there, Garrett and Keber had taken off. So the three of us jumped into the pit ourselves for a bit. Sean got sick of it and went back to the car and Jessy and I went on a walk and found another pond and on a whim decided to get naked and swim. Absolutely amazing experience, by the way. Aaaand Sean drove over to see where we went and saw our clothes, grabbed them, and left.


There's nothing like being naked in the sunshine to make you feel absolutely sexy. There's nothing like fitting into THOSE jeans to make you feel amazing about yourself. 




It's so freeing to be able to live life. I'd never skinnydipped before, did you know that? I'm doing all these things around the age of nineteen that a lot of people my age did when they were sixteen. Or fourteen. I'm loving this summer more and more, especially without you. Without you telling me to not get my lip pierced. Without you telling me how to groom my body. Without you telling me to not get another tattoo.


I am living to MY STANDARDS. Doing what I WANT TO DO. 


This is so LIBERATING. I just want to scream to the world how amazing it feels to not be under your leash any more.


I feel absolutely amazing, thank you very much. You are no longer bringing me down.  :)


Because this.... is MY Stage Door.

How is it...

How is it possible that I'm the one you run to when you're in pain...
When we're not together any more?
I'm happy to be your friend, I really am. But you didn't even talk to me about this stuff when we were together, and now all of a sudden you're looking to me for comfort?
Alright......
Couldn't shelf hips comfort you?
Oh wait... She's not me... Huh, sucks doesn't it?
It's just annoying. Like, I'm more than willing to be there for you, but I'm not who you want any more and I don't want you any more, and you're proving that I'm still the one you need. Okay. Whatever. This is silly.
Talk to me. Please do. But I'm just confused as to why it took you three weeks after we broke up to do what you couldn't do after dating for OVER A YEAR.


Epic. Fail.