Self Discovery

I get restless because of my veracious capacity for passion.
I can't have peace.
I feel empty in peace.
I have to have something to immerse myself in that I can fully be passionate for. I have to LOVE, or I have to HATE, I can't be doing neither.

I'm wayy too passionate to have

nothing

to be passionate about.

eugh.

it could've been that moment.
it could've been that day.
     I could've finished that stage of my life.
     If I could've kept my mouth shut,
and just let things happen.
and just let myself go.
    

Rage.

my fucking rage,
it builds up and it burns up and
it mixes with
my fucking insanity.
now all i can see is that red vision
that blood vision
that im-gonna-fucking-kill-someone vision.
then the legalities of it all
get it the way
and my fucking rage
has no course to be satisfied
so it builds.
it sits and it builds and it fumes
and i learn to ignore it
and it gets mad that i'm not listening
to it's quiet whispers to just
slit yours her their throats
so my rage, it grumbles some more
until you talk to me again
and all I wanna fucking do is
skin you from limb to limb
because baby, it'd feel
soooo good. so satisfying.
so please, read this.
and know that I'm nowhere close to forgiving you.
over you? yes. completely.
ready to be friends?
no. where. fucking. close.
so stay the fuck away from me.
before i fucking snap
and  fucking kill you.

take your excuses and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE.

"and the way you acted after we broke up was lame. it felt like you hadn't loved me at all. that felt GREAT. promise."
"well.. guys are assholes."


is the most fucking lameass excuse i've ever heard for anything in my fucking life. a fucking tiny penis is no justification for any way you act towards other people. at the very least you should respect me because no matter how much you'll deny it for the rest of your life,

you did fucking love me. i have the fucking proof still.

someday you're gonna grow up and realize that you're such a fucking douche and it's going to HAUNT you for the rest of your fucking life and in a sick, demented way that makes me sooo fucking happy.

try one more time to fucking play me like that. i dare you. i've had enough of trying to be civil. you know what you say is inflammatory. you know i have a temper and you know i fucking hate you, so stop trying to be my "friend" so you can make me angry whenever the fuck you want. you don't have the control after this. you don't have SHIT after this except a slutty girlfriend and your miserable life down in tennessee. i know you gave up MTSU for her. i'm not stupid. i can keep up.

enjoy your life, douche-knuckle.

Eye of the Beholder.

Today I saw my name as others must always claim to see it. They were the same letters I've been writing since before kindergarten. A.S.H.L.E.I.G.H. A string of letters that I'm used to seeing. Kind of bland, like it never had the novelty it holds for others. Today I saw that novelty. Today I saw that beauty. It made me laugh. It shocked me. It made me wonder what else I've grown so used to that it's lost it's beauty in my eyes.

Worse yet, it made me wonder what may be out there that I was so used to seeing that I'd never seen it's beauty at all.

the definition of confusion

you don't give me butterflies.
you don't make me dizzy with fresh excitement.
       when you kiss me, i don't feel like a 14 year old being kissed for the first time.
       when you touch me, I'm not hyperaware of everything.
with you, kissing feels like an extension of our friendship.
with you, getting physical has nothing to do with emotions.
       but i trust you more than i trust anybody who has given me that rush.
       but whatever we do, i always want more.

A Progression of Shit You Said That Proves You Fell In Love With Me.

March 31, 2009 at 4:20am The day he first told me he liked me

I probably won't have my phone today because of the low battery. You can call when you get out of school if you want, guten tag :)

April 3, 2009 at 7:43pm 

1. You have the urge to run over people in wheelchairs.
2. Scream-Avenged Sevenfold3. You :) (I didn't steal this answer thank you very much!)
4. Comfyble, essplode, butt darts.
5. Lavina's comment train that I started.
6. Parrot.
7. Why do you want to break into a hotel so bad? Haha.8. You're the most wonderful person I've ever met :)
9. You down yourself too much, cheer up, you're a great person :)
20. We did each other, we're even lol.

May 14, 2009 at 10:08pm The day after he first said he loved me.

I really wish you were here so we could be cuddlemonsters :)

It's like 1:00 and I'm not sleepy, but I've got to get up at 8 for an honours assembley.
You were right, these message things are fun :D
Anyways, I'm going to try and go to sleep, goodnight sweetheart, I love you and I always will, you are the only one for me and I wouldn't have it any other way :)

June 10, 2009 at 2:41am

Hi there :)
When I woke up, I realized how lonely it is to have no one to cuddle with, and if you were here, I would have snuggled close to you, whispered "I love you" and kissed you :)
I can't wait to see you, we've been waiting a long time it seems, and that day is getting closer :)Have I ever mentioned how much I love you? :) You're the most amazing girl I have ever met, and you're beautiful :) I'm so lucky I get to spend the rest of my life with you :)
Like I said earlier, I love telling people how much I'm in love with you because you're the best thing that has ever happened to me :) (this is how he made me feel like the most important girl on earth.)
I'm getting kinda sleepy now, I wish that I had you to snuggle with, but we will soon, I promise :) I love you sweetheart, you're so awesome and beautiful :) goodnight :)

June 11, 2009 at 1:28am

It's about 4:20, and I decided to send you a message now! :) I could really use my cuddlemonster, it's kinda cold up here, plus, I really really want to snuggle with you :)
I can't wait until after Christmas :) I was thinking on the way to my house we could stop and take a 10 minute break to trade secrets :) Ima take you to the zoo! You'll have soooo much fun :) Did I mention that I'm in love you? :)
I am soooo happy right now cause I get to spend the rest of my life with this awesome, wonderful girl, you :)
think I'll try and go to bed now, I love you sweetheart, you're beautiful, and best of all, you're mine :)  (This is why I felt like I was someone worth loving.) Goodnight :)

January 9 at 10:55pm 

I love you I love you I love you. I really miss you and I can't stop crying. (This is why I was convinced we'd make it through the good and the bad.) I feel like I want to throw up. I wish there was a way for us to be together soon and I don't want to leave. I want to find a way to be able to be with you all the time, I can't stand being away from you. I love you sweetheart. (This is why I wanted to make it last forever.)

June 5 at 9:14am The day he broke up with me

I know, and it's too much to deal with right now. I love you too, and there's nothing wrong with you at all, this just isn't working :( (This is when he simultaneously broke my heart and shattered my world.)

Unfinished.

I want to break rules. I want to break faces. I want open new doors. I want to go to new places. I want to envelop myself in a peace I've never felt before. I want to embrace this chaos and drown myself in it some more.  This complexity has snaked its way through every part of my mind and left me wondering if I'm of the insane kind. I'll be living my life day after day and constantly in the background music will play. It gradually builds till it's so fucking loud I'm surprised that the walls around me haven't fallen down. But no matter how loud I never notice it's there until suddenly there's only silence in the air. It drives me crazy that I'm only conscious of music when I realize it's no longer there. Something inside me is screaming that my secret hides in this symphony, that if only I'll listen I'll realize what makes me be.

Aurora Borealis

We were lying in the grass, listening to music, talking about life and God, staring at the starry night. The big dipper was hanging in the sky to our right and the tall trees cast a black silhouette against the night sky. It was a moment I knew I needed to capture, but my cell phone camera couldn't grasp it. We lay together slowly freezing to death, and just as our lives were about to slip away together, we made the decision to leave. As we warmed back up walking back to our beds, we once again started talking about life and this time, love. I tried to relay my secrets on my newfound key to happiness but I haven't quite mastered words agile enough to describe the technique. I stopped and went prone on the yellow lines in the middle of the road.
have you ever seen the notebook?
no.
you're missing out on life.
oh yeah?
I'll make you watch that movie. it's a promise.
I got back up and our conversation resumed. You asked me why I decided to live in the dorms this year.
I needed to get out. Plus, if I hadn't of moved into them, I might not have this moment. This moment could potentially be the best thing that could ever happen to me. or to you, for that matter.
This, or history class. 
You're right. This is going to be the best thing that's ever happened to us. I am going to be the best thing that ever happened to you, I promise.
You better not be lying. If you are, I'll find you and tell you off for lying. 
...hopefully you won't have to look far. 

Growing Up, Moving Slowly, Falling Apart.

I never thought I'd want to be through with any of you...
Well, we were gonna last forever.
We've been through soo much together.
That we have...
What happened to us being the strongest people in each others lives?
We've been friends for years... And we've changed so much through those years... Change may have killed us.
I thought we were stronger than change?
We both thought that, kiddo. We both thought we were stronger than anything.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

The truth is, I'm terrified.

Terrified that I have to learn to trust somebody enough to give that to them. I thought I'd trusted him enough, and I didn't. So while I'm glad I still have what I would've given, it scares me to think about learning to trust someone I don't already trust.

It would've been so easy this way...

truth or dare.

because I'm not that much of a bitch.... i won't tell you that your worst fears are coming true.

because I'm a shitty friend... I'm at least going to justify it by waiting until you're gone.

because I'm who I am.... I'm going to enjoy this game we've got going for as long as I can.

(: