Dear Sean.

I want to know what you did today.
I want to know what "week zero" consisted of. I want to know what weapon they're giving you. I want to know how bad the food sucks, how hard PT is, how much sleep you're getting, I want to know it all.
I want to know what you think about, I want to know how you've noticed yourself changing. I want to know everything so that I have something to go off of.
It's proved to be the most painful. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you again.
I can't wait to get my first letter from youu. I miss you fiercely.
And I love you.
P.S. Two are on their way.

howyou'remakingmefeel.(:

wake up.
open my eyes.
timid.
go through the day.
work. school. play.
nervous
see you. be with you.
happy.
kiss you goodnight.
say goodbye.
euphoric.
go to sleep.
wake up. open my eyes.
a little less timid.

Scared to Cry

there have been little moments. the tears i know are there escape and i do my best to hide my face.
i knew i needed to cry, that's why i watched dear john.
i needed to get all of the tears out. but i was scared.
scared to let go of the tears. scared to accept this defeat.
accept that you're gone.
and until the credits started rolling my mission had failed.
i hadn't cried it out.
and all of a sudden the movie ended and i wasn't able to hold it in anymore.
the tears started falling and i had no control,
but i was scared to let them see. i was surrounded by people
who would've been there for me.
who wanted to let me cry.
i even had safe arms holding me.
arms simply asking to comfort me as i grieved. arms that want to protect me from the world.
safe arms.
and yet i still chose to suck it up, to not let it out, to regain control.
these tears are hiding inside of me.
this grief is being suppressed because i'm too scared.
i'm too scared to cry through this goodbye.

I am.

all i know is i am very much. sometimes too much, but never to little.

i am passion. i'm a bundle of fire and a thorough lover. i may half-ass what i do, but i do NOT half-ass who i am.  sometimes i overwhelm myself with my muchness, but taming this beast would lead to the 

desecration

of who i am and i'm no longer willing to accept that. people love me for who i am. people handle me through my rough emotions and love me no less for it. people laugh with me through my happy moments and love me even more for it.

i've always known this about myself and in certain situations i tried to hide it and tame it. for a year i dated someone and tried to tame it because i was afraid of scaring love away.

but i'm starting to realize that he didn't want to love who i was, he wanted to love who he wanted me to be. i wanted so bad for him to love me that i tried to be a lesser version of who i am. i lost my muchness. well, i didn't lose it. i hid it from him so that he would love me.

what kind of fucked up love is that? i let him squish me into this mold of who he wanted to be and we only started fighting when i got uncomfortable, trapped inside a too small cage and dying for some breathing room. 

and when i could finally breathe it hurt so much i started to miss my cage. i yearned for it until my lungs adjusted to being able to function with the proper amount of oxygen and fresh air. and i got high off of it. which led me to do things i wouldn't have normally ever done. 

but my high is starting to fade and i'm starting to realize how much i am. how much passion, how much love, how much fire, how much hate, how much stress, how much carefree, how much laughter, how much life, how much ME I am.

i'm a wild beast formed from different standards than most of society but i cant claim i'd have it any other way. and this week i've realized that while i'd been pushed out from society a lot when i was younger, there are millions of people who embrace the unknown and learn to know and love it, instead of fearing it and keeping it at a distance. there are many people over my life who have never doubted who i am or questioned me, who have only loved me for who i am, just the way i am, no matter how much i've annoyed them or wronged them.

which is something i just realized as i wrote it. people i haven't recognized. people who aren't sean, garrett, keber, and jessy. people outside of my old familiar comfort zone.

sydney.

emily.

lavina.

timmy.

apparently david.

ariel.

ivyl.

shannon.

dawn.

chelsea.

thank you guys for your amazing capacity to love.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

If I were a bird, I'd walk on the edges of the highest buildings without fear. I'd run across power lines as fast as I could and not worry about the hard concrete behind me. If I were a bird, I'd try to walk up the side of as many buildings as I possibly could. If I were a bird, I'd try to stand on top of moving cars and see how fast it went before I couldn't hold on anymore.


If I were a bird, I'd take so many more risks without any of the fear, because in the worst case scenario, if I fell,


I could always fly to safety.

Bravery

In Harry Potter, three kids grow through seven years of friendship,
of trials and tests and almost death,
together. they grow to love each other as they grow into adulthood together.
Seven years.
Their story is like an exaggerated, amplified version of the life we've lived as friends.
You, me, him, and them. The five of us, put together one at a time.
Starting with you and me.
And two years later the five of us had all officially met, as kids.
And since then we've grown to love each other... as we grew into adulthood together.
We're the kind of friends that are always associated with each other.
We've tumbled through everything together, the hard times and the bad.
Had an unspoken pact to always be there for each other.
Understood each other in ways nobody else could.
"Because I've known you for six years. I know you better than you know yourself."
We've been through everything together.
Now, one of us is already gone.
One of us leaves in a week.
Only two of us are staying for sure.
That's the biggest difference between us and Harry Potter. The epilogue, nineteen years later and they're all fricken married together and next door neighbors and their kids are going to school together.
We're barely adults and we're all leaving each other.
I may be brave enough for a lot of things,
but it's hard to be brave enough for this.

Is this allowed?

Not my fault you like me.
     Actually, it's all your fault.
Nope. All yours. 


ilikeyoutoo.alot.isthisallowed?

Facade

imagine the destruction i could cause with a high speed camera. so aesthetically pleasing.

giving your heart would cause much less destruction than having it stolen, one would assume.

i'm finding beauty in destruction, in complete obliteration of everything held dear.

i don't think i could see your facade any clearer if it were made of glass.

all i want to do is punch a bullet through it with the force of a thousand guns.

so i do.

and i see you for who you are.

i see, myself.

My Friend

Somewhere in you, is my friend.
Somewhere in me, is yours.
Somewhere, covered up by anger, fear, and change, are two people who will have always held each other's hearts and made enough of an impact to never be forgotten.
Times will change and scars will fade and memories will be forgotten but the past can't be changed and even if a thousand tomorrows come and we still can't get along, somewhere in us we'll have always had the us we used to be.
So long, my friend. This is goodbye. May we meet again in another life. Like strangers passing by.

False Love and Affection, Pt 3 (You just want the attention.)

My ability to and passion for love.
Of course I'd be scared. Every girl who has her heart broken
would be scared to fall in love again.
But I'm standing strong, and I'm ready
to let that fire burn again.
I have a feeling I haven't felt
in a year and a half, or so...
You make me smile. (:

False Love and Affection, Pt 2 (You don't want me)

Whatever it is, it's a PART of me. I know it is. I feel like I've known it before.
It's belonged to me before.
Right now I can focus on it. Right now I feel this close to knowing what it is.
But whatever it is is covered up by this undying fear
of being loved, of learning to love again,
of learning to have feelings for someone again.
It's so much easier to just be a "dirty whore." I guess.
But that's not who I am! That's not what I want!
And now that I'm this close to being put in a situation
where I have to work past that fear
I can feel the fear trying to win, and hiding the part of me that knows how to
live life and love freely.
The part of me you WRECKED. the part of me that was LOST.
the part of me you DESTROYED.
I have it. It's mine and I can FIX IT.
And I know that makes me happy but I'm sorry,
because I've finally broken that piece of information,
finally identified a part of what it was,
and knowing that I was truly that broken...
It only makes me cry a little bit.
What this is...
It's what I thought I had lost when I lost you...
A part of me that you can't keep anymore.
A part of me that has always belonged to me.
And I know what it is now.
I'm going to learn to know it.

False Love and Affection

If I could grasp this, get my hands on it, get a feel for it and get to know it,
then maybe I could grow to love it.
But this is so elusive, so tricky and so willing to stay hidden and i don't know
exactly what I'm missing.
I can identify little things, little perks, little quirks that
help me understand bits and pieces that
only confuse me more. I understand that I have to write in broken lines
to be able to follow what I'm reading.
I've lost the ability to read paragraphs of writing.
I understand that I'm learning to keep a grasp on sobriety
in the most drunken of situations, but I am who I am
and you still kissed me again. and this time it was different. it didn't move the world. it didn't set off fireworks and make me swoon. being your friend is so weird.
but I did like the dancing. I do love to just do that
bump and grind and have some physical connection without going too far.
I've forgotten what I was talking about, what I was looking for.
See how it evades me? It's a part of me that doesn't
want to be found... But without knowing it...
I'm lost.