November - Azure Ray

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities?
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
Oh, 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
Ohh.. 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
Doo doo doo


-----
somehow this song is so much more than a song. it speaks my heart. it gives me strength. it breaks my heart. it makes me feel. it seems to be the blood running through my veins, like it's lived in my soul for the past six months and resonates as strongly with my emotions from six months ago as it does now. 
this song is my strength in my weaknesses.
this song is the fact that i was dying to love you and loving you killed me.
this song is how i can feel for who i feel now, and never forget the first time.
this song is everything i felt from beginning to end.

Quote.

"When I see you, the world stops. It's stops and all that exists for me, is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts and worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops and it's a beautiful place and there's only you. Just you. And my eyes staring at you. When you're gone, the world starts again and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best feeling I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, is why I stare at you."

i can't finish that sentence.

i'm still broken. i think.
i feel like damaged goods.
i spend a lot of time wondering what you see in me. what anybody sees in me more than a broken heart and a fierce, stubborn attempt at passing off as healthy. healed. i want you to be aware that i'm broken so i can be reassured that you're patient enough to stumble through it with me. with you by my side i'm not ... i don't know what i'm not. i'm finding it hard to finish that thought. that sentence. on the flipside of the same coin, i don't want you to know i'm broken because i don't want that to make you leave. somehow despite all my defenses you've become something i'm afraid of losing.
how long ago has it been since i told myself i didn't want anything more that i couldn't handle losing? i've lost enough these past five months. holy shit, it's been five months. it's been almost six months. how has it been so long since i lost ... what did i lose? i can't finish that sentence either. obviously i lost adam. but i'd been losing adam. i didn't lose love, i just had a whole bunch of love with nowhere to go and it began to overwhelm me.
such is the beauty of life, i'm losing my words. i've lost the long relationship i've had with the english language, left it for music. symphonies and harmonies and melodies being the only time i can face who i am.

i'm begging you to force it out of me. make me talk. make me let you listen. please, just tell me you're willing to listen. when i'm with you my fears fall away and i can convince myself everything's okay and when you're gone i can never retain that feeling. when you're not around i'm scared to believe that you actually care. if you're not there to show it i'm scared to allow myself to believe it. i'm not scared of trusting you, i'm scared of trusting me. there are a million things i know you'd never do. i know you'd never cheat. i know you'd not quickly lose patience. i know you're honest. but i'm afraid to allow myself to accept that.
and for that i am sorry.

The Lion's Child

In my next life I shall be a lion's child, with a lion's heart and a lion's claw, 
a lion's strength, living under the lion's law.
I shall roar a lion's roar, fight a lion's fight,
and I shall do all these things as I lie down tonight.
I shall have a lion's invincibility, a lion's courage,
But I shall never be trapped in a lion's cage.

Perfect Fifths

for you,
it's an enjoyable experience. it sounds pretty. it's a good song. it's not something you'd listen to often because it's not something you can sing along with. it's not something you can sing or dance to. for you, it's attending a friend's orchestra concert. it's putting up with someone else wanting to hear the sound of two violins, a viola, a cello and a bass play in perfect harmony. for you it's sound. it's noise. maybe for you it's what you'd call music. such a loose term.

for me,
it's heart. it's soul. it's body. it's an all encompassing experience. it's emotion. it's love, it's hate, it's pure happiness and pure sadness and every emotion you've ever felt slamming into you all at once. it's tears of joy, sadness and pain. for me, it's foreplay and it's sensual and it's a climax. it's blood, sweat and tears. it's the connection i have with my violin and the love i've always had for playing. for me it's no longer about whether or not i can play that measure but the fact that I'M MAKING MUSIC anyways. to me, i'm the instrument. to me, i'm the one being played, and she's the one with the talent. For me, it's all  of my heart. For me it's my heart racing, for me it's my heart no longer beating. To me it's memories, it's future, it's RIGHT NOW.

It's Love, for me.
It's hard work and an amazing payoff.
It's the closest I ever come to realizing how much I am.
It's Harmony.

My heart beat once.

I lay there in your arms with my head against your chest and listened to the sound of your heartbeat. My hand rest next to my face and could feel the steady rhythm I heard drumming. You leaned down to kiss my hair and my mind filled with wonder.
Who did your heart beat for today?
Today,
My heart beat once for bonding with Mattie and Kayla over rum and egg nog.
My heart beat once for Chelsea and how every day I grow to love her more.
My heart beat once for the Freedom Writers.
My heart beat once for Sable, as it does every minute of every day.
My heart beat once for Enzo, who's merely a character in a book.
My heart beat once for Will, and the excitement I always have to see him.
My heart beat once for Emily, and the amazing memories I'll always have.
My heart beat once for Lavina, as it often does, for reading her growth.
My heart beat once for Sean, sending him love I can't convey every day.
My heart beat once for my mom, dad, and sister, as it's done more powerfully every day I haven't been home.
And, as it's grown to do more and more often,
My heart beat once for you.

Please.

I want some sunshine back.
I want to stop having to work at being happy, and just let it happen. The darkness is practically killing me. I'm lethargic. I can't do anything more than sleep. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night, exhausted at having to work so hard to live happily when this summer living just came so easily. I almost had too much life to live. I want that feeling - that energy back.