1 Corinthians 13:13

I've been in love with this particular scripture for a while now. It's what I base most of my faith on. But what I guess I've never told anybody is that instead of praying to God, I let my emotions do the talking. This means when I'm so overwhelmed with an emotion I feel like I'm going break in half or my head is going to pop off and emotion's just going to spurt out of me like a geyser, I take the amount of emotion I know I can handle, and give the rest to God. It's not something I even do consciously anymore. But lately it seems like it's getting harder again. Like my emotions are stretching me too thin, and I'm going to be the rubber band that snaps. So while I've wanted this tattoo for a while, I think the final pushing point to me getting it was an overload of feeling so much. And now I can just look at my arm and remember that no matter what, my Best Friend and my Creator is always, always by my side. I can never forget that.

My Biggest Flaw

Ahh, if there's one emotion that flares to easily and violently in me, it's jealousy. It's enough to make me want to inflict sincere pain on someone (usually the 100 lb super skinny blonde floozy with perfect skin, make-up, and that happy smile on her fucking face because she's being held by the "perfect boy") I've never even met. I kind of want to ruin her pretty in the most irreversible way.


And sometimes it's not even jealousy over looks or romance. Sometimes it's that girl I sometimes call my best friend being called "Kiddo" by my mother or "Meg" by my boys. She's not even here anymore, and I love her to death, but sometimes I want the validation that her place and my place aren't so easily interchangeable. And sometimes when I feel that we are interchangeable, I want to break her fucking arm.


And, very rarely, it's jealousy over someone else being friends with my friends. I don't share easily, and I never have. It either takes a lot of warming up or a lot of them making me laugh to accept someone new into my friend's circle. And a couple of my circles never mix for the fear of me falling out and losing both circles. 






I guess it makes sense that since I know exactly what causes it and exactly how I react, it'd be easy for me to fix. To calm down and not overreact. But we already know I'm a passionate person. And that passion doesn't limit itself to arising only when I'm happy. And I've been unsuccessful in stopping it, ever. 
*Sigh.*
Sometimes emotions are just too much.

So, maybe,

Maybe I was wrong.
Or maybe you're out of sight out of mind.
Or maybe I'm crazy.

.........
there aren't words for this.

Not Alone, but...

I need, a hug.
I miss having a teddy bear. Or him there.
To hold my hand. Hold my heart.
hold my sorrows. my troubles. my fears.
wipe away my tears.
I am incredibly, unbelievably
lonely.

My Darling.

My dear,
I can’t hear you.
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
So speak to me with your actions, not your words. Speak to me with your doings, not your mouth. Speak to me with your hands, not your voice.
For your actions drown out what you say to the point that that’s all I hear.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

My Darling,
It's true that your actions are drowning out the sound of your words. Your actions are whispering to my heart's desires and teasing them, trusting them with secrets you won't trust yourself with. When you go to bed, my name is dancing in your thoughts, lightly treading across your lips, you can taste me on your tongue. When you wake up in the morning, my passion is orchestrating your heart, warming you from head to your toes, you can feel my kisses on your ears, still.
Ask me how I know.
I know because I settle down at night and feel my presence being tugged at from not so far away, I can hear you whispering my name in my sleep, and I can taste you on my tongue as well. When I wake up in the morning, I can feel my passion orchestrating events in a room I'm not physically in, but a room I know well. I can feel the heat of your ears going warm, turning ruby red on my lips.
Your ruby red ears were your tell all. When you felt anything strongly, your ears would show it. I could find my answer to anything on the tips of your ears. So strange - I've captured your eyes, I've met your lips, I've held your hand and I invaded your mind, but nothing gave happy little secrets easier than your ears. I miss them the most.
With all my heart,
<3

Hello, Tomorrow.

I'm brave enough for you,
Brave enough to face the world,
Brave enough to fall in it.
Hello, Tomorrow, I'm Ashleigh,
Today, you and I shall dance.
Swing in circles around each other.
Tomorrow, you will end in smiles,
Because Today has promised me happiness,
Even when it's dark.
So, Hello, Tomorrow.
And the Next Day,
Farewell.

Healed...(:

I took all the strength I had in me today and used it for this conversation we had. and it ended up being the most open and honest I've been with anyone my entire life. and it was damn close to the same for you.

I'm really glad I took that step. I feel SO much better. (:

A Healing Process - Hmm... Just hmm...

Listening to them talk about other relationships just makes me sad. It makes me miss you. And seeing you today makes me realize that you just might not come back and that scares me.
Moving on is not something I want to do. I know I can, I know I'm strong enough, and I know I'll be okay, but it's not about me. It's not about how I'll feel or how strong I can be or anything. 
It's one hundred percent completely all about you. You are just not someone I'm willing to lose. Not right now. Okay? Is it okay for me to say that? To feel this way?
I keep telling myself, "Ashleigh, you're being retarded. There's plenty of other people out there." But I simply just DON'T want to be a big girl and move on. I am simply put, a big baby. 

Oh Winter's Stale Air.

There comes a point where Ashleigh disappears.
It's like my body realizes how much daylight is missing.
Darkness is one of those things that can always be conquered by light. Stuck in a dark room? Overpower the darkness with a flashlight. Too much light? The only way to get rid of it is to remove it. There's no amount of darkness that can overpower light.
Except in Fairbanks, Alaska.
Here in the winter months, it's like a never ending forcefield of cold and depression that battles with light for 4 hours a day and the light is so exhausted from kicking ass in June that the darkness always wins. And the darkness is ALWAYS around. And it's cold. And you're not eating as much as you should because you're too stressed and busy. And you have finals and your boyfriend breaks up with you and the tires on your car go flat twice and your car payments are going up forty dollars a month because you have to refinance the damn thing so that you can afford to pay for school next semester.
Here in the summer months, it's totally different. It's light all the time and pure darkness never really happens, it just tries to show up but is wayy to weak and you're not eating as much as you should because you're too busy loving life and being active and your boyfriend breaks up with you and you learn about the fun of drinking and your only class is photography and you meet a ton of new people and you find new passion for life and it's your birthday and you can drive around with no fucking roof or doors on your car and you're having the kind of fun everyone dreams of having in highschool and you're an adult so you don't even get in trouble for it and real school is just a distant memory or too far away to think about and you're carefree and you love life and you don't have to try.
But sadly it's only wintertime right now. Which just puts everything in a different perspective I guess. It's wintertime and I'm alone in this cubicle of a dorm room that I share with another (admittedly amazing) person and half of the people I had fun with this summer are gone and it's hard to schedule time with the other half and the new people I met are hanging out with my ex boyfriend and my roommate right now and I'm sorry but  it's just a little too close for comfort to ask to tag along and IT'S PITCH FUCKING BLACK OUTSIDE AND BLACK IS ONLY A GOOD COLOR WHEN USED MODERATELY AS EYELINER OR A REALLY SEXY DRESS. AND THE WINDOW SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS BUT IT'S SO FUCKING DARK OUTSIDE THAT IT'S JUST DEPRESSING.




THE DARKNESS IS PISSING ME OFF. IT IS MAKING ME WANT TO TAKE A BUNCH OF HAPPY LIGHTS AND PLUG THEM IN AN AREA OUTSIDE AND JUST LET IT WARM UP SO MUCH THAT I CAN PUT ON A TANK TOP AND SHORTS AND BE LIKE


"hey winter, if i could write you a song and make you fall in love i would already have you up under my arm. i used up all of my tricks, i hope that you like this. but you probably won't.
you think you're cooler than me."

A Healing Process - I'm Okay and I Still Believe.

Today I woke up in an outrageously good mood. Today I didn't let myself mope at ALL. Today I smiled the first real smile in a few days.
Also, today I talked to you for the first time. And it was amazing. It started as a promise to see you, continued through different things, and ended with a well wishing. And it was almost like you were on Facebook just to respond to me. (But trust me, I know that was just wishful thinking.)
And I heard about the message you sent Lavina minutes after we broke up.
"You should probably call Ashleigh. I have a feeling she'll be in need of a good friend."
Did you know that you're the biggest sweetheart I've ever met? You're the most caring and thoughtful person I've ever dated. You're fair and you've done nothing cruel to me, ever. Even in leaving you did it with the most amount of thoughtfulness I've been shown in such a long time. You've got the most beautiful soul.
So I'll be happy. I love being happy  - it is WHO I AM. Being happy gives me strength.
But I also recognize that you're something that shouldn't be given up on too easily.
I am healthy. I am whole. and I am going to more than pass this test. (:

A Healing Process - Or a delusion? and my tendency to blame myself.

Maybe we could just sit and talk. At the very least I'd get some answers. And after I'd gotten everything off of my chest, said everything I had to say, I would be offered some resolution.
I'd tell you about how I'd resolved to stop getting drunk
I'd tell you about how being with you forced me to self reflect.
I'd tell you that self reflection made me realize there's a lot of things I do that I'm not okay with.
I'd tell you that besides that, I'm still the same girl with the same insane passion for life.
I'd tell you what Chelsea and I talked about last night.
I'd make sure it was all out there and said and I'd get it out and let you think about it.
Then I'd listen to what you had to say. But the thing is, I know you don't communicate like that. But if you were willing to let me, I'd listen. And then I'd take a few more days to think for myself, and a few more days to let you think,
and then,
we could go one of two ways. I guess maybe three.
The first, and least likely, we could not talk for the rest of our lives. Or for a substantial amount of time. But there's no animosity between us.
The second, and the one that currently scares me, we could be friends. I'm capable of moving on, once I let myself. Once I let go of the hope that I wish for every day. Once I know for sure that your word was final and not just a rash decision.
The third, and the one I'm constantly thinking about, hoping for, dreaming of, we could be together. But I'm not going to hold on much longer to that one. In a little while I'm going to have to buckle down and say "hey, I've got a great friend," if nothing changes in the near future. Disappointing? Yes. But I can handle it.
I'm a tough cookie.

A Healing Process - A Win and Raspberry Sorbet.

I totally did it! I lived life today! I was fine! I got my hair cut (because when something changes, so does my hair...) And I didn't long for you...


.... Until Kayla bought me raspberry sorbet, and I couldn't enjoy it with you... *sigh.*




damn you.

We.

"Fuck EVERYTHING."

"Uhmm.. Why are we fucking everything? Are we ******?"

"We are hurt. We are angry and we had a flat tire this morning and oh did I mention our ex Adam called us today and we heard his voice for the first time since May?"

"Hm.... We also have a bladder infection. Today isn't our day."

"Today is not our day. Today is painful and according to our roommate it's the last day we're allowed to wallow in our pain and tomorrow we have to move on and we're scared."

It's wonderful when having a certain friend means you never have to bear a burden alone.

A Healing Process - Tomorrow and You.

Tomorrow I have to stop longing for you. I have to stop imagining you coming back and begging for me again. Tomorrow I have to let go of this constant wish that you'll walk through that door and hug me, tell me you want to be with me, tomorrow, I have to be happy.
Today is my last day to cry just because I want to. Tomorrow I have to do what I absolutely don't want to do and move on. 
Today, somebody asked me what I look for in an ideal partner

"Honest, mostly (so trustworthyness). Confident. Kind. Caring. A good sense of humor. A lighthearted demeanor. Patient. LOTS of patience. Protective. The ability to be silly but also serious when they should be. Understanding. Independent. He should have strong goals in life. Someone who can take care of themselves. Someone who can be a complete dork in a way that makes me laugh, but also isn't extremely socially awkward. Someone who won't push me to move faster than I want to, both emotionally and physically. Someone who likes to cuddle but also understands that it gets too hot at night sometimes. Active. They have to respect America and our soldiers because they have to get along with Sean, Garrett, and Keber, and gaining their approval isn't easy "

There was my answer. And yeah, I honestly didn't realize until the end of my list that you fall into every single category on that list. This is what I've lost, do you see it now?! Damn you for being perfect! 
But tomorrow I have to let go of this fantasy that you'll come back and move on. Even though that's the last thing I want to do, tomorrow I have to regain my passion for life and live it how I always do. 
Tomorrow, I have to be strong.
Tomorrow I shall wear a smile and I will skip a little bit and I will enjoy life and maybe I'll even flirt a little bit and I'll open myself to the fact that there may be just one more person in Fairbanks who falls into all of those same qualifications and yet is more perfect than you in just one more way. Because I know for a fact there's one of two options out there.
Either you'll come back to me someday,
or
I'll find somebody better. 

A Healing Process - Moping and Fucking the World

Chelsea says I'm only allowed to mope for one more day, and that day is today.
I woke up Saturday and it hurt, but I sucked it up and went to work. I came back from work, I cried. I came back from dinner, I cried. I came back from Denny's, I cried some more. Saturday all I did was cry.
Sunday I layed in bed watching movies and attempting to do homework and I only cried a little bit compared to Saturday. But I did cry. I just curled up into a ball and moped and Chelsea started going into tough love mode. "One more day! That's all I'm giving you. I moped for three days after Chuck and then I started being happy again and that's what made him want to come back so Damnit, on Tuesday, no more moping!"
So today, Monday, I was going to thoroughly enjoy my moping. I was going to take full advantage of it and mope to my heart's content. It was going to be a happy mope. I healing mope.
But I woke up and my heart hurt so bad I could practically feel it breaking. So I slept a little longer than I should have to regain my composure. I wasn't going to hurt today. Just mope. That's all. No crying. So I slept. When I finally decided I needed to go out into the world (I did have two tests and work, after all,) I found this:

One big "Fuck You, Ashleigh."

So, thanks World. Fuck you too. Fuck you and your not letting me heal. Tomorrow, I'm going to be the happiest motherfucker in the world. Just to fuck right back with you. Because today, I hate you. I hate your fucking guts, world. You're ruining things that are really fucking special to me and for that, I hate you.

Fish

I've been swimming in this sea for a significant amount of time, now. I know first hand how many fish it contains. I've had my fair share of history with said fish. I dated an anglerfish for over a year... The only fish I ever loved. I'd fallen for many more anglerfish. People who drew me in with their false appearances and ended up snapping me with their ugly jaws.
But this fish? This fish was the most beautiful, kindest, gentlest fish I'd ever met. This fish was the Moorish Idol of my life so far. And this fish decided to swim beside me, to take an interest in me, and to become close to me. This fish became my companion for such a fleeting time.
Until yesterday when this fish decided to just turn left - turn away - from me. To just swim away. This fish decided he just didn't want to swim by my side anymore - the waters were just too cold.
No, this fish, he wasn't with me long. But look at who he was! So good to me. So patient. So willing.
And I know there are more Moorish Idols. But this one? He was mine. And yes, I miss him. And no, right now, I don't want any other fish. I want my fish back.

And yes, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry until my Moorish Idol comes back to me. Until he realizes he misses swimming with my company and comes back asking to swim with me once more. So that makes me pathetic. So that makes me a wreck. So I'd said the same thing about Adam right when we first broke up.

But Adam and I, I understood. Long distance wasn't working anymore. We had constantly been fighting. We were no longer working. I understood that. I didn't like it. I fought it tooth and nail. But I knew that.

This, I don't understand. I don't know what happened. We'd been working up until the exact moment he told me it just wasn't going to work. And I don't know why he felt that way. So call me pathetic if you want. Think what you want. But right now, for me, the sea IS very lonely. Just a day ago, I DID lose the fish I'd been counting on for "this season of my life." And I think that entitles me to a little bit of mourning. Because when you lose something so special, it hurts. No matter if it had been a month and a half or a year and a half, it hurts. And to me, this hurts like hell. Like absolute hell. I feel like shit. I spent the entire day playing last night over and over in my head. Every word he said, every word I stuttered, every step I took away from him. Over and over like a broken fucking record in my head. And all day I put on a face, I let the world know I was fine.

But I got home from work and I laid in bed and I cried. Just cried. Just let myself be not so brave, not so strong, because I don't want to be strong.
After dinner, I laid on my floor and I cried some more. I called Jessy, wishing I could talk to Sean. Fuck it all, I even called Adam today. For the first time since we broke up. In June. He didn't answer but I was so upset I took that step. And I honestly just wanted Adam to assure me that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
And now, I'll cry some more. I'll close my computer and I'll refuse to be strong enough to just fake it until I make it. There's a specialness in Gary that I've never found in anyone before him and yes, it breaks my heart that he left. It breaks my heart every time the moment replays in my head and for a while I'm going to be upset. I'm going to cry. And that, that is okay

they say there's nothing wrong with me at all, but...

and you're gone.
you're gone and I'm terrified again and I want you to come back and just tell me you really were joking.
just take my hand again and tell me it'll be alright, I'll be alright, we'll be alright.
don't let me sit here and cry like this, don't let me be miserable anymore.
you were my soldier.
fighting for me, to work through my history and be okay.
us. together.
and you just left.
cut it clean, saying there was no feeling there.
which just feels like bullSHIT.
how?!
I don't know what happened.

Baby,

you are amazing.
you were everything I deserved.
I'll miss you, for a bit.
it'll hurt, for a bit.
but thank you anyways.