Perfect

I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. I wear my class ring on my ring finger because I think it looks best there. I permed my hair because I'm too lazy to put more than five minutes of work into it every morning. I don't shave as often as I should in the winter time and I can rarely force myself to go to the gym by myself. I don't eat healthy food and I can be a little naive at times. I'm a late bloomer in most areas of my life but I bloom at a pace I'm comfortable with. I get loud when I'm nervous and quiet when I don't want to tell you I want attention. I drink dr pepper like it's the new water but lately I've been drinking tea instead. I tend to see too much good in people that I want to be with and as a result I'm often interested in douchebags. I find concern adorable and I tend to think about everything relative to being in a relationship or not. I think almost everything I own makes me look fat and when people use the word "gorgeous" about me I tend to cringe inside because I don't like being lied to out of pity like that and I think gorgeous is a word best left for people who have a kinder demeanor than I do. I'm a bitch especially when I've missed sleep and my sarcasm gets me in trouble. I would say that I never mean to be offensive but that would be an outright lie. I've been a shitty friend in the past and to be honest I'll probably be that way a couple more times in the future. I'm very far from perfect but honestly I think you can just go fuck yourself. I'm very far from perfect but I have a big heart and it would be nice... Painfully relieving... To give someone affection.

Naivette.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too naive to know the difference between someone honestly wanting to get to know me,
and someone playing a smooth game to get a piece of ass.
and I think that's what really terrifies me.
Because really, this would be a lot easier to do,
if I knew for certain he was interested in ME.
And wasn't aiming for sex.

Monologue.

that's a load of bullshit. I never stopped loving you. I cried and begged for you to lay down with me, I wrote my feelings out for you on your skin. I told you every chance I got that I'm in love with you. but you weren't listening. you didn't want to hear it. You "weren't over her" in your mind because subconsciously you were scared that falling in love would change everything. and now you want to tell me I never loved you?
no. that's the biggest pile of shit I've ever heard.
I have not stopped loving you. Every night I lay my head against the cool side of my pillow knowing what's coming. And in some sick, twisted way, I yearn for it all day. I beg to go to sleep and have those dreams where you and I are back together. where you admit you love me. I hold your hand and kiss your lips every fucking night in my dreams.
you're mad because I didn't say "I love you," when we were together. But you're wrong. I traced it on your skin. I showed you. I told you how amazing you were. I trusted you with my heart. Because love is more than just words, or an act. It's an emotion, and it's a verb. Love is not something you say. It's something you do, and damnit I loved you the best you'd let me. When you were sleeping and I'd trace your hairline, I'd leave my love there. I'd touch your lips and leave a little more there.
Damnit, I loved you.
And it was on the tip of my tongue the minute you left me.

Last night.

Last night as I held you and the images flickered across the screen, I told you that I'm halfway to in love with you. I told you that I miss you. I might have told you everything. Last night as you were in my arms, things just felt so natural, so right. Almost exactly the way they should feel. Except it was limited. Held back by the knowledge that I can't kiss you, can't hold your hand, can't be yours... I can't let you be mine. I'm more comfortable with you than with anyone I've ever been close to but lately I can only not hold back in my dreams. And I always get these comments when we're seen together about our chemistry. How is feeling it nor killing you? Because I know you're reacting to it. If you weren't, I wouldn't get the comments I do. You're falling just as hard as I am and you're too scared to admit it.

:/

I know I'm good enough for somebody. Even better, I know somebody out there is good enough for me. But I wish I didn't feel quite so inadequate all the time.
Like maybe if I were just a half step better, I'd be perfect and somebody worthy would love me. I feel like the string that's slightly out of tune.
I don't want to be alone. I don't like it. I don't want to hold out for the right someone to come along. I'm really effing sick of being so lonely that I miss being with Adam.
Nobody should EVER have to be that lonely.

Just some insight.

 Me? I'm like a firework. When I go bang, there's a lot of quite visible fascination, and everyone loves the show, but most people aren't interested in HOW i go bang. there's more to see than my firey, colorful side to my personality.


you're like... a labrynth. you're neat, organized, and there's a logical way to figure you out. but that takes a lot of concentration and understanding of how labrynths work. and most people would rather just walk around the maze and think they know you by lookinng at you from the outside.

I need to stop dreaming.

I had the rudest dream last night...
So rude.
Because me, Gary, and Chelsea were watching a movie in my (all of a sudden GIANT) dorm room, and Gary and I were... back together? i think? Idk what the fuck was going on. But there was cuddling. and holding hands. and kissing - you know, couple-y stuff.
And I didn't even notice, until he all of a sudden, out of nowhere, says, as I'm going to kiss him again,
"I don't want to kiss you this time."
What? I can even picture the incredulous look I had on my face.
"Well we're not dating anymore. I don't have to."
Oh.. I'd forgotten we weren't together anymore. Yeah. In the middle of my fucking dream, dream-me remembered that we'd broken up. But had somehow forgotten.
I can't even explain it.
But it was very fucking rude. My subconscious and I must HATE each other.

Fuck you, Beauty.

There's been a series of events, and a dream, and several people saying to me that I'm beautiful. I don't know what kind of sick monster lives inside of me that can't take a compliment, but I just want to scream (as I did in my dream)
"I'm not as pretty as you think I am!"
Because I swear, I'm not.




I guess I have to not compare myself to other girls. Because as Gary said, just because I'm not the same kind of beautiful as Megan Fox, doesn't mean I'm not beautiful. 
Right? 
But if I were truly beautiful,
Wouldn't I be able to feel like people meant it when they said it?
or
Wouldn't I be able to see it, too?

?

How am I still
so unbelievably lonely,
after being with so many people these past few days?