there are certain things I don't say to certain people because it pales in comparison to their life. does that make sense? that I censor myself and withhold feelings I need to talk about from the people I need to talk to them about because I feel like even if they don't say it, they're thinking "this problem is nothing compared to what I'm going through."
And if they are thinking that, you know what they're right. This problem IS minor compared to the life changing soul finding adventure they're struggling through. But you know what? As you're going through this you're gathering the experience and the strength to go through it. I haven't been through that - haven't gathered that strength or that experience. So is it so wrong for me to say
"Hey, I'm going through this... And I'd really appreciate that you just hold my hand through it and not tell me there are worse things in life."
Aren't friends supposed to guide you through your troubles at the pace that you're growing, and not push you through them because they're so far ahead and you just need to catch up? Because in pushing me ahead you've pushed me aside, cast me away. Or at least that's what it feels like. I don't want to lose you.
I feel like I've already lost you.
Your Life has taken your hand, run off with you and left me in the dust. Now My Life's a little bit darker, a little bit more sad, with the lingering feeling that you didn't want to stick around with me anymore.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Dream.
I've just woken up from this dream,
where I've been thrown into a world I don't know and I'm falling in love with it's people. I'm just a scientist's plaything tonight and nothing here is as it seems.
See it starts with the science - the experiment, the observation of social conduct, but this program's been running for weeks without me.
I'm late to join.
And I'm just getting to know everybody, and here they all seem to be amazing and I feel like they're my best friends.
Just as the comfort starts to sink in there's arms around me, a loving embrace and a spectacular kiss that rocks my world, and there enters Him.
And he looks at me and says I'm sorry, you're not who I thought you were. I thought you were my girlfriend.
But he invites me to talk - to get to know him, and He's exactly who I'd dream to be with, and everything I'd need.
Next thing I can remember we're in an imaginary place, a place I've only read about in newspapers and fairy tales, and we're off to save someone, or the world, or something extremely important to the entirety of living people
but very irrelevant to whatever this dream means. And a couple times I fall off a cliff or get shot
-suddenly I"m dead-
But I can respawn, apparently this is all a game.
And we save the day. And Him and I, we fall in love.
And after we've saved the day we're sitting down for dinner. All of my new friends - soulmates - are sitting at this table, and people who were involved in the experiment before me have assigned seats
there's three left. One assigned to Him, and two on either side.
Just as I'm about to sit down and enjoy what is sure to be the most heartwarming meal of my life, ending the most perfect day and a cliche happy-ever-after,
He arrives, with Her. The girlfriend who hasn't appeared or been mentioned since just after that life changing kiss.
She is me. I know she's me, but somehow she's not me. She has legs that go on for miles and looks that could arouse the most frigid of men.
And she's also a terrific bitch.
She shoots a look at me that's all smiles, but her eyes are glaring daggers, and I know she wants me dead.
He pulls me aside and he says
"I love you, I promise, I really do. But I have to stay with her."
Why.
"She's what's meant to be. What I'm supposed to be with."
That doesn't make any sense. I thought you loved me.
"I do. I'd go to the ends of the Earth to make you happy.
But I have to be with her."
where I've been thrown into a world I don't know and I'm falling in love with it's people. I'm just a scientist's plaything tonight and nothing here is as it seems.
See it starts with the science - the experiment, the observation of social conduct, but this program's been running for weeks without me.
I'm late to join.
And I'm just getting to know everybody, and here they all seem to be amazing and I feel like they're my best friends.
Just as the comfort starts to sink in there's arms around me, a loving embrace and a spectacular kiss that rocks my world, and there enters Him.
And he looks at me and says I'm sorry, you're not who I thought you were. I thought you were my girlfriend.
But he invites me to talk - to get to know him, and He's exactly who I'd dream to be with, and everything I'd need.
Next thing I can remember we're in an imaginary place, a place I've only read about in newspapers and fairy tales, and we're off to save someone, or the world, or something extremely important to the entirety of living people
but very irrelevant to whatever this dream means. And a couple times I fall off a cliff or get shot
-suddenly I"m dead-
But I can respawn, apparently this is all a game.
And we save the day. And Him and I, we fall in love.
And after we've saved the day we're sitting down for dinner. All of my new friends - soulmates - are sitting at this table, and people who were involved in the experiment before me have assigned seats
there's three left. One assigned to Him, and two on either side.
Just as I'm about to sit down and enjoy what is sure to be the most heartwarming meal of my life, ending the most perfect day and a cliche happy-ever-after,
He arrives, with Her. The girlfriend who hasn't appeared or been mentioned since just after that life changing kiss.
She is me. I know she's me, but somehow she's not me. She has legs that go on for miles and looks that could arouse the most frigid of men.
And she's also a terrific bitch.
She shoots a look at me that's all smiles, but her eyes are glaring daggers, and I know she wants me dead.
He pulls me aside and he says
"I love you, I promise, I really do. But I have to stay with her."
Why.
"She's what's meant to be. What I'm supposed to be with."
That doesn't make any sense. I thought you loved me.
"I do. I'd go to the ends of the Earth to make you happy.
But I have to be with her."
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Neil Gaiman - in a place where I can't forget anything.
Let us begin this letter, this prelude to an encounter, formally, as a declaration, in the old-fashioned way: I love you. You do not know me (although you have seen me, smiled at me). I know you (although not so well as I would like. I want to be there when your eyes flutter open in the morning, and you see me, and you smile. Surely this would be paradise enough?). So I do declare myself to you now, with pen set to paper. I declare it again: I love you.
"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
"[D]on't ever apologize to an author for buying something in paperback, or taking it out from a library (that's what they're there for. Use your library). Don't apologize to this author for buying books second hand, or getting them from bookcrossing or borrowing a friend's copy. What's important to me is that people read the books and enjoy them, and that, at some point in there, the book was bought by someone. And that people who like things, tell other people. The most important thing is that people read... "
"There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.
You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.
Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.
Whenever it rains you will think of her. "
"I have no plans to love you," said Coraline. "No matter what. You can't make me love you."
♥
"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
"[D]on't ever apologize to an author for buying something in paperback, or taking it out from a library (that's what they're there for. Use your library). Don't apologize to this author for buying books second hand, or getting them from bookcrossing or borrowing a friend's copy. What's important to me is that people read the books and enjoy them, and that, at some point in there, the book was bought by someone. And that people who like things, tell other people. The most important thing is that people read... "
"There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.
You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.
Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.
Whenever it rains you will think of her. "
"I have no plans to love you," said Coraline. "No matter what. You can't make me love you."
♥
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Summer. (:
It's so sunny and warm outside
and I'm SO ready for this new adventure.
A new job with great hours and
a new attitude on life this summer and
a thousand new possibilities!!
I can hardly wait.
I'm ready for the riding around in my jeep with the top down, hair blowing in the wind
the eighty degree weather
and the SUNSHINE and the laughter
and the fun.
everything, I'm ready for it now.
And it's so much this close.
and I'm SO ready for this new adventure.
A new job with great hours and
a new attitude on life this summer and
a thousand new possibilities!!
I can hardly wait.
I'm ready for the riding around in my jeep with the top down, hair blowing in the wind
the eighty degree weather
and the SUNSHINE and the laughter
and the fun.
everything, I'm ready for it now.
And it's so much this close.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I hate this part
the part where I don't know whether to laugh or to cry
but crying seems the more likely.
I hate this part being stuck in limbo and feeling
like I have to feel it.
Listening to happy music makes me feel unbearably guilty and listening to the songs
that remind me that I'm alone,
that nobody is holding my hand
and the person I want to be with is in love with a high school girl
is the only way I feel like I'm feeling what I deserve to feel.
And I tell myself, "I don't deserve anything less who doesn't choose me as second best"
and that if someone can't see me above the rest,
then he's not worth it.
But you know, reason doesn't stand a chance in the fight against emotion with me.
So it goes...
It was so much easier when I let myself be blind to what was going on.
When I refused to admit I had those feelings.
But you know, it's easier to ignore when you only have to ignore yourself.
And not the ten people around you telling you how you feel, and how he feels, and how you look and act together.
I want to kick and scream and yell.
Make it clear that I don't settle for anything less than being a princess.
And that I don't rest easy as second best.
But, you know,
as far as he'll tell anyone,
he doesn't even want me.
Did I mention I hate this feeling? How I feel like I'm being stupid and of course I shouldn't settle for being second best and that if he doesn't see me as number one than he's not worth it and I should just move on,
and I know all this,
I believe all this,
yet no amount of reason stops me from
Feeling this.
but crying seems the more likely.
I hate this part being stuck in limbo and feeling
like I have to feel it.
Listening to happy music makes me feel unbearably guilty and listening to the songs
that remind me that I'm alone,
that nobody is holding my hand
and the person I want to be with is in love with a high school girl
is the only way I feel like I'm feeling what I deserve to feel.
And I tell myself, "I don't deserve anything less who doesn't choose me as second best"
and that if someone can't see me above the rest,
then he's not worth it.
But you know, reason doesn't stand a chance in the fight against emotion with me.
So it goes...
It was so much easier when I let myself be blind to what was going on.
When I refused to admit I had those feelings.
But you know, it's easier to ignore when you only have to ignore yourself.
And not the ten people around you telling you how you feel, and how he feels, and how you look and act together.
I want to kick and scream and yell.
Make it clear that I don't settle for anything less than being a princess.
And that I don't rest easy as second best.
But, you know,
as far as he'll tell anyone,
he doesn't even want me.
Did I mention I hate this feeling? How I feel like I'm being stupid and of course I shouldn't settle for being second best and that if he doesn't see me as number one than he's not worth it and I should just move on,
and I know all this,
I believe all this,
yet no amount of reason stops me from
Feeling this.
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