When I'm dead when I'm forgotten, you'll forever be my father, and I'll be saving tears in jars for this one.

Anybody who's been close to me for any amount of time knows the issues I can have with my father, and how much they upset me. Chelsea the most because she's the only one who's been witness to me waking up in tears because of dreams I've had with my father in them where we fight mercilessly.
And anybody who's known me well enough knows that I'm kind of weird about being called beautiful - I very rarely believe it so hearing it very rarely makes me happy.
But today being told I was beautiful made me the happiest it's ever made me - because it was my daddy saying it to me. It made me probably happier than a girl hearing her father tell her she's beautiful should be, but considering it's the first time in my memory my dad has ever told me that, I still feel like I could cry. From happiness. It touched me more than any compliment I've ever been given.

"I'm sure anybody would agree with me in saying you look absolutely beautiful."

That's not something I'm likely to forget, ever.

In other news, I had a mid-college crisis today. It hit me that I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to do. I've been saying I want to teach history for a few months now, but the idea of working in a museum has also been on my mind, but more heavily I've been dreaming of opening up a book store. It's been weighing on my mind and I believe that God put the idea in my heart not necessarily for me to make it a reality, but to open my eyes and see that maybe just a history degree isn't going to cut it. So I've decided that when I go to change my major today, I'll be changing it to History officially, with a minor in Applied Business. But I'll be going past getting just a minor and I'll get an Associates in Applied Business with a concentration in Entrepreneurship. Having that degree will broaden a lot of horizons in my future should my dream of teaching- or being a museum curator- not work out. And they'll open that doorway should I decide I do want to open a bookstore. My dad did point out to me that bookstores are failing because of large corporations like Barnes and Noble, and Amazon, but I still think it'd be nice to have a quaint bookstore in a small town somewhere that's lacking a Borders or a Waldenbooks. Either way, I've got my class schedule set up to start this new path - and it makes me happy. I finally feel like I'm going towards a destination and not just wandering this college path until something comes to me.


Today has been life changing and unforgettable in the best of ways.(:

You and your life.

there are certain things I don't say to certain people because it pales in comparison to their life. does that make sense? that I censor myself and withhold feelings I need to talk about from the people I need to talk to them about because I feel like even if they don't say it, they're thinking "this problem is nothing compared to what I'm going through."
And if they are thinking that, you know what they're right. This problem IS minor compared to the life changing soul finding adventure they're struggling through. But you know what? As you're going through this you're gathering the experience and the strength to go through it. I haven't been through that - haven't gathered that strength or that experience. So is it so wrong for me to say
"Hey, I'm going through this... And I'd really appreciate that you just hold my hand through it and not tell me there are worse things in life."
Aren't friends supposed to guide you through your troubles at the pace that you're growing, and not push you through them because they're so far ahead and you just need to catch up? Because in pushing me ahead you've pushed me aside, cast me away. Or at least that's what it feels like. I don't want to lose you.
I feel like I've already lost you.
Your Life has taken your hand, run off with you and left me in the dust. Now My Life's a little bit darker, a little bit more sad, with the lingering feeling that you didn't want to stick around with me anymore.

Dream.

I've just woken up from this dream,
where I've been thrown into a world I don't know and I'm falling in love with it's people. I'm just a scientist's plaything tonight and nothing here is as it seems.
See it starts with the science - the experiment, the observation of social conduct, but this program's been running for weeks without me.
I'm late to join.
And I'm just getting to know everybody, and here they all seem to be amazing and I feel like they're my best friends.
Just as the comfort starts to sink in there's arms around me, a loving embrace and a spectacular kiss that rocks my world, and there enters Him.
And he looks at me and says I'm sorry, you're not who I thought you were. I thought you were my girlfriend.
But he invites me to talk - to get to know him, and He's exactly who I'd dream to be with, and everything I'd need.
Next thing I can remember we're in an imaginary place, a place I've only read about in newspapers and fairy tales, and we're off to save someone, or the world, or something extremely important to the entirety of living people
but very irrelevant to whatever this dream means. And a couple times I fall off a cliff or get shot
-suddenly I"m dead-
But I can respawn, apparently this is all a game.
And we save the day. And Him and I, we fall in love.
And after we've saved the day we're sitting down for dinner. All of my new friends - soulmates - are sitting at this table, and people who were involved in the experiment before me have assigned seats

there's three left. One assigned to Him, and two on either side.
Just as I'm about to sit down and enjoy what is sure to be the most heartwarming meal of my life, ending the most perfect day and a cliche happy-ever-after,
He arrives, with Her. The girlfriend who hasn't appeared or been mentioned since just after that life changing kiss.
She is me. I know she's me, but somehow she's not me. She has legs that go on for miles and looks that could arouse the most frigid of men.
And she's also a terrific bitch.
She shoots a look at me that's all smiles, but her eyes are glaring daggers, and I know she wants me dead.
He pulls me aside and he says
"I love you, I promise, I really do. But I have to stay with her."
Why.
"She's what's meant to be. What I'm supposed to be with."
That doesn't make any sense. I thought you loved me.
"I do. I'd go to the ends of the Earth to make you happy.
But I have to be with her."

Neil Gaiman - in a place where I can't forget anything.

Let us begin this letter, this prelude to an encounter, formally, as a declaration, in the old-fashioned way: I love you. You do not know me (although you have seen me, smiled at me). I know you (although not so well as I would like. I want to be there when your eyes flutter open in the morning, and you see me, and you smile. Surely this would be paradise enough?). So I do declare myself to you now, with pen set to paper. I declare it again: I love you.


"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind." 


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." 


"[D]on't ever apologize to an author for buying something in paperback, or taking it out from a library (that's what they're there for. Use your library). Don't apologize to this author for buying books second hand, or getting them from bookcrossing or borrowing a friend's copy. What's important to me is that people read the books and enjoy them, and that, at some point in there, the book was bought by someone. And that people who like things, tell other people. The most important thing is that people read... " 


"There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.
You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.
Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.
Whenever it rains you will think of her. " 


"I have no plans to love you," said Coraline. "No matter what. You can't make me love you." 


♥

Summer. (:

It's so sunny and warm outside
and I'm SO ready for this new adventure.
A new job with great hours and
a new attitude on life this summer and
a thousand new possibilities!!
I can hardly wait.
I'm ready for the riding around in my jeep with the top down, hair blowing in the wind
the eighty degree weather
and the SUNSHINE and the laughter
and the fun.
everything, I'm ready for it now.
And it's so much this close.

♥

♥

♥

I hate this part

the part where I don't know whether to laugh or to cry
but crying seems the more likely.
I hate this part being stuck in limbo and feeling
like I have to feel it.
Listening to happy music makes me feel unbearably guilty and listening to the songs
that remind me that I'm alone,
that nobody is holding my hand
and the person I want to be with is in love with a high school girl
is the only way I feel like I'm feeling what I deserve to feel.
And I tell myself, "I don't deserve anything less who doesn't choose me as second best"
and that if someone can't see me above the rest,
then he's not worth it.
But you know, reason doesn't stand a chance in the fight against emotion with me.
So it goes...
It was so much easier when I let myself be blind to what was going on.
When I refused to admit I had those feelings.
But you know, it's easier to ignore when you only have to ignore yourself.
And not the ten people around you telling you how you feel, and how he feels, and how you look and act together.
I want to kick and scream and yell.
Make it clear that I don't settle for anything less than being a princess.
And that I don't rest easy as second best.
But, you know,
as far as he'll tell anyone,
he doesn't even want me.

Did I mention I hate this feeling? How I feel like I'm being stupid and of course I  shouldn't settle for being second best and that if he doesn't see me as number one than he's not worth it and I should just move on,
and I know all this,
I believe all this,
yet no amount of reason stops me from
Feeling this.

Gorgeous? No...

Definitely not. I'm crazy and irresponsible and loud and frazzled and I clean up nice and I'm a bit off kilter and I like myself that way.
As much as I'd love to be the girl that every guy wants I'd hate it because I really just want people to find my lackadaisical yet energetically crazy personality amazing.
Which a lot of people do. A lot of people love it, and can't get enough of it.
They all happen to be female.
But it's okay, boys. I overwhelm myself a lot, too.

I'm sitting still, alone, in a chair...
And I can feel the earth moving. I can hear the rush of wind rushing past me and the earth shaking on a crooked axis,
And I can feel every flaw.
But the world is never quite in balance, never quite in sync. It's constantly off it's rocker and it's terrifying as hell!! but, it's ok.
As scary as it is, God is holding us up through everything. Every terrifying, stressful thing we're not sure we can handle, we can. With God by our side.
So be scared. But have faith.

Perfect

I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. I wear my class ring on my ring finger because I think it looks best there. I permed my hair because I'm too lazy to put more than five minutes of work into it every morning. I don't shave as often as I should in the winter time and I can rarely force myself to go to the gym by myself. I don't eat healthy food and I can be a little naive at times. I'm a late bloomer in most areas of my life but I bloom at a pace I'm comfortable with. I get loud when I'm nervous and quiet when I don't want to tell you I want attention. I drink dr pepper like it's the new water but lately I've been drinking tea instead. I tend to see too much good in people that I want to be with and as a result I'm often interested in douchebags. I find concern adorable and I tend to think about everything relative to being in a relationship or not. I think almost everything I own makes me look fat and when people use the word "gorgeous" about me I tend to cringe inside because I don't like being lied to out of pity like that and I think gorgeous is a word best left for people who have a kinder demeanor than I do. I'm a bitch especially when I've missed sleep and my sarcasm gets me in trouble. I would say that I never mean to be offensive but that would be an outright lie. I've been a shitty friend in the past and to be honest I'll probably be that way a couple more times in the future. I'm very far from perfect but honestly I think you can just go fuck yourself. I'm very far from perfect but I have a big heart and it would be nice... Painfully relieving... To give someone affection.

Naivette.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too naive to know the difference between someone honestly wanting to get to know me,
and someone playing a smooth game to get a piece of ass.
and I think that's what really terrifies me.
Because really, this would be a lot easier to do,
if I knew for certain he was interested in ME.
And wasn't aiming for sex.

Monologue.

that's a load of bullshit. I never stopped loving you. I cried and begged for you to lay down with me, I wrote my feelings out for you on your skin. I told you every chance I got that I'm in love with you. but you weren't listening. you didn't want to hear it. You "weren't over her" in your mind because subconsciously you were scared that falling in love would change everything. and now you want to tell me I never loved you?
no. that's the biggest pile of shit I've ever heard.
I have not stopped loving you. Every night I lay my head against the cool side of my pillow knowing what's coming. And in some sick, twisted way, I yearn for it all day. I beg to go to sleep and have those dreams where you and I are back together. where you admit you love me. I hold your hand and kiss your lips every fucking night in my dreams.
you're mad because I didn't say "I love you," when we were together. But you're wrong. I traced it on your skin. I showed you. I told you how amazing you were. I trusted you with my heart. Because love is more than just words, or an act. It's an emotion, and it's a verb. Love is not something you say. It's something you do, and damnit I loved you the best you'd let me. When you were sleeping and I'd trace your hairline, I'd leave my love there. I'd touch your lips and leave a little more there.
Damnit, I loved you.
And it was on the tip of my tongue the minute you left me.

Last night.

Last night as I held you and the images flickered across the screen, I told you that I'm halfway to in love with you. I told you that I miss you. I might have told you everything. Last night as you were in my arms, things just felt so natural, so right. Almost exactly the way they should feel. Except it was limited. Held back by the knowledge that I can't kiss you, can't hold your hand, can't be yours... I can't let you be mine. I'm more comfortable with you than with anyone I've ever been close to but lately I can only not hold back in my dreams. And I always get these comments when we're seen together about our chemistry. How is feeling it nor killing you? Because I know you're reacting to it. If you weren't, I wouldn't get the comments I do. You're falling just as hard as I am and you're too scared to admit it.

:/

I know I'm good enough for somebody. Even better, I know somebody out there is good enough for me. But I wish I didn't feel quite so inadequate all the time.
Like maybe if I were just a half step better, I'd be perfect and somebody worthy would love me. I feel like the string that's slightly out of tune.
I don't want to be alone. I don't like it. I don't want to hold out for the right someone to come along. I'm really effing sick of being so lonely that I miss being with Adam.
Nobody should EVER have to be that lonely.

Just some insight.

 Me? I'm like a firework. When I go bang, there's a lot of quite visible fascination, and everyone loves the show, but most people aren't interested in HOW i go bang. there's more to see than my firey, colorful side to my personality.


you're like... a labrynth. you're neat, organized, and there's a logical way to figure you out. but that takes a lot of concentration and understanding of how labrynths work. and most people would rather just walk around the maze and think they know you by lookinng at you from the outside.

I need to stop dreaming.

I had the rudest dream last night...
So rude.
Because me, Gary, and Chelsea were watching a movie in my (all of a sudden GIANT) dorm room, and Gary and I were... back together? i think? Idk what the fuck was going on. But there was cuddling. and holding hands. and kissing - you know, couple-y stuff.
And I didn't even notice, until he all of a sudden, out of nowhere, says, as I'm going to kiss him again,
"I don't want to kiss you this time."
What? I can even picture the incredulous look I had on my face.
"Well we're not dating anymore. I don't have to."
Oh.. I'd forgotten we weren't together anymore. Yeah. In the middle of my fucking dream, dream-me remembered that we'd broken up. But had somehow forgotten.
I can't even explain it.
But it was very fucking rude. My subconscious and I must HATE each other.

Fuck you, Beauty.

There's been a series of events, and a dream, and several people saying to me that I'm beautiful. I don't know what kind of sick monster lives inside of me that can't take a compliment, but I just want to scream (as I did in my dream)
"I'm not as pretty as you think I am!"
Because I swear, I'm not.




I guess I have to not compare myself to other girls. Because as Gary said, just because I'm not the same kind of beautiful as Megan Fox, doesn't mean I'm not beautiful. 
Right? 
But if I were truly beautiful,
Wouldn't I be able to feel like people meant it when they said it?
or
Wouldn't I be able to see it, too?

?

How am I still
so unbelievably lonely,
after being with so many people these past few days?

1 Corinthians 13:13

I've been in love with this particular scripture for a while now. It's what I base most of my faith on. But what I guess I've never told anybody is that instead of praying to God, I let my emotions do the talking. This means when I'm so overwhelmed with an emotion I feel like I'm going break in half or my head is going to pop off and emotion's just going to spurt out of me like a geyser, I take the amount of emotion I know I can handle, and give the rest to God. It's not something I even do consciously anymore. But lately it seems like it's getting harder again. Like my emotions are stretching me too thin, and I'm going to be the rubber band that snaps. So while I've wanted this tattoo for a while, I think the final pushing point to me getting it was an overload of feeling so much. And now I can just look at my arm and remember that no matter what, my Best Friend and my Creator is always, always by my side. I can never forget that.

My Biggest Flaw

Ahh, if there's one emotion that flares to easily and violently in me, it's jealousy. It's enough to make me want to inflict sincere pain on someone (usually the 100 lb super skinny blonde floozy with perfect skin, make-up, and that happy smile on her fucking face because she's being held by the "perfect boy") I've never even met. I kind of want to ruin her pretty in the most irreversible way.


And sometimes it's not even jealousy over looks or romance. Sometimes it's that girl I sometimes call my best friend being called "Kiddo" by my mother or "Meg" by my boys. She's not even here anymore, and I love her to death, but sometimes I want the validation that her place and my place aren't so easily interchangeable. And sometimes when I feel that we are interchangeable, I want to break her fucking arm.


And, very rarely, it's jealousy over someone else being friends with my friends. I don't share easily, and I never have. It either takes a lot of warming up or a lot of them making me laugh to accept someone new into my friend's circle. And a couple of my circles never mix for the fear of me falling out and losing both circles. 






I guess it makes sense that since I know exactly what causes it and exactly how I react, it'd be easy for me to fix. To calm down and not overreact. But we already know I'm a passionate person. And that passion doesn't limit itself to arising only when I'm happy. And I've been unsuccessful in stopping it, ever. 
*Sigh.*
Sometimes emotions are just too much.

So, maybe,

Maybe I was wrong.
Or maybe you're out of sight out of mind.
Or maybe I'm crazy.

.........
there aren't words for this.

Not Alone, but...

I need, a hug.
I miss having a teddy bear. Or him there.
To hold my hand. Hold my heart.
hold my sorrows. my troubles. my fears.
wipe away my tears.
I am incredibly, unbelievably
lonely.

My Darling.

My dear,
I can’t hear you.
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
So speak to me with your actions, not your words. Speak to me with your doings, not your mouth. Speak to me with your hands, not your voice.
For your actions drown out what you say to the point that that’s all I hear.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

My Darling,
It's true that your actions are drowning out the sound of your words. Your actions are whispering to my heart's desires and teasing them, trusting them with secrets you won't trust yourself with. When you go to bed, my name is dancing in your thoughts, lightly treading across your lips, you can taste me on your tongue. When you wake up in the morning, my passion is orchestrating your heart, warming you from head to your toes, you can feel my kisses on your ears, still.
Ask me how I know.
I know because I settle down at night and feel my presence being tugged at from not so far away, I can hear you whispering my name in my sleep, and I can taste you on my tongue as well. When I wake up in the morning, I can feel my passion orchestrating events in a room I'm not physically in, but a room I know well. I can feel the heat of your ears going warm, turning ruby red on my lips.
Your ruby red ears were your tell all. When you felt anything strongly, your ears would show it. I could find my answer to anything on the tips of your ears. So strange - I've captured your eyes, I've met your lips, I've held your hand and I invaded your mind, but nothing gave happy little secrets easier than your ears. I miss them the most.
With all my heart,
<3

Hello, Tomorrow.

I'm brave enough for you,
Brave enough to face the world,
Brave enough to fall in it.
Hello, Tomorrow, I'm Ashleigh,
Today, you and I shall dance.
Swing in circles around each other.
Tomorrow, you will end in smiles,
Because Today has promised me happiness,
Even when it's dark.
So, Hello, Tomorrow.
And the Next Day,
Farewell.

Healed...(:

I took all the strength I had in me today and used it for this conversation we had. and it ended up being the most open and honest I've been with anyone my entire life. and it was damn close to the same for you.

I'm really glad I took that step. I feel SO much better. (:

A Healing Process - Hmm... Just hmm...

Listening to them talk about other relationships just makes me sad. It makes me miss you. And seeing you today makes me realize that you just might not come back and that scares me.
Moving on is not something I want to do. I know I can, I know I'm strong enough, and I know I'll be okay, but it's not about me. It's not about how I'll feel or how strong I can be or anything. 
It's one hundred percent completely all about you. You are just not someone I'm willing to lose. Not right now. Okay? Is it okay for me to say that? To feel this way?
I keep telling myself, "Ashleigh, you're being retarded. There's plenty of other people out there." But I simply just DON'T want to be a big girl and move on. I am simply put, a big baby. 

Oh Winter's Stale Air.

There comes a point where Ashleigh disappears.
It's like my body realizes how much daylight is missing.
Darkness is one of those things that can always be conquered by light. Stuck in a dark room? Overpower the darkness with a flashlight. Too much light? The only way to get rid of it is to remove it. There's no amount of darkness that can overpower light.
Except in Fairbanks, Alaska.
Here in the winter months, it's like a never ending forcefield of cold and depression that battles with light for 4 hours a day and the light is so exhausted from kicking ass in June that the darkness always wins. And the darkness is ALWAYS around. And it's cold. And you're not eating as much as you should because you're too stressed and busy. And you have finals and your boyfriend breaks up with you and the tires on your car go flat twice and your car payments are going up forty dollars a month because you have to refinance the damn thing so that you can afford to pay for school next semester.
Here in the summer months, it's totally different. It's light all the time and pure darkness never really happens, it just tries to show up but is wayy to weak and you're not eating as much as you should because you're too busy loving life and being active and your boyfriend breaks up with you and you learn about the fun of drinking and your only class is photography and you meet a ton of new people and you find new passion for life and it's your birthday and you can drive around with no fucking roof or doors on your car and you're having the kind of fun everyone dreams of having in highschool and you're an adult so you don't even get in trouble for it and real school is just a distant memory or too far away to think about and you're carefree and you love life and you don't have to try.
But sadly it's only wintertime right now. Which just puts everything in a different perspective I guess. It's wintertime and I'm alone in this cubicle of a dorm room that I share with another (admittedly amazing) person and half of the people I had fun with this summer are gone and it's hard to schedule time with the other half and the new people I met are hanging out with my ex boyfriend and my roommate right now and I'm sorry but  it's just a little too close for comfort to ask to tag along and IT'S PITCH FUCKING BLACK OUTSIDE AND BLACK IS ONLY A GOOD COLOR WHEN USED MODERATELY AS EYELINER OR A REALLY SEXY DRESS. AND THE WINDOW SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS BUT IT'S SO FUCKING DARK OUTSIDE THAT IT'S JUST DEPRESSING.




THE DARKNESS IS PISSING ME OFF. IT IS MAKING ME WANT TO TAKE A BUNCH OF HAPPY LIGHTS AND PLUG THEM IN AN AREA OUTSIDE AND JUST LET IT WARM UP SO MUCH THAT I CAN PUT ON A TANK TOP AND SHORTS AND BE LIKE


"hey winter, if i could write you a song and make you fall in love i would already have you up under my arm. i used up all of my tricks, i hope that you like this. but you probably won't.
you think you're cooler than me."

A Healing Process - I'm Okay and I Still Believe.

Today I woke up in an outrageously good mood. Today I didn't let myself mope at ALL. Today I smiled the first real smile in a few days.
Also, today I talked to you for the first time. And it was amazing. It started as a promise to see you, continued through different things, and ended with a well wishing. And it was almost like you were on Facebook just to respond to me. (But trust me, I know that was just wishful thinking.)
And I heard about the message you sent Lavina minutes after we broke up.
"You should probably call Ashleigh. I have a feeling she'll be in need of a good friend."
Did you know that you're the biggest sweetheart I've ever met? You're the most caring and thoughtful person I've ever dated. You're fair and you've done nothing cruel to me, ever. Even in leaving you did it with the most amount of thoughtfulness I've been shown in such a long time. You've got the most beautiful soul.
So I'll be happy. I love being happy  - it is WHO I AM. Being happy gives me strength.
But I also recognize that you're something that shouldn't be given up on too easily.
I am healthy. I am whole. and I am going to more than pass this test. (:

A Healing Process - Or a delusion? and my tendency to blame myself.

Maybe we could just sit and talk. At the very least I'd get some answers. And after I'd gotten everything off of my chest, said everything I had to say, I would be offered some resolution.
I'd tell you about how I'd resolved to stop getting drunk
I'd tell you about how being with you forced me to self reflect.
I'd tell you that self reflection made me realize there's a lot of things I do that I'm not okay with.
I'd tell you that besides that, I'm still the same girl with the same insane passion for life.
I'd tell you what Chelsea and I talked about last night.
I'd make sure it was all out there and said and I'd get it out and let you think about it.
Then I'd listen to what you had to say. But the thing is, I know you don't communicate like that. But if you were willing to let me, I'd listen. And then I'd take a few more days to think for myself, and a few more days to let you think,
and then,
we could go one of two ways. I guess maybe three.
The first, and least likely, we could not talk for the rest of our lives. Or for a substantial amount of time. But there's no animosity between us.
The second, and the one that currently scares me, we could be friends. I'm capable of moving on, once I let myself. Once I let go of the hope that I wish for every day. Once I know for sure that your word was final and not just a rash decision.
The third, and the one I'm constantly thinking about, hoping for, dreaming of, we could be together. But I'm not going to hold on much longer to that one. In a little while I'm going to have to buckle down and say "hey, I've got a great friend," if nothing changes in the near future. Disappointing? Yes. But I can handle it.
I'm a tough cookie.

A Healing Process - A Win and Raspberry Sorbet.

I totally did it! I lived life today! I was fine! I got my hair cut (because when something changes, so does my hair...) And I didn't long for you...


.... Until Kayla bought me raspberry sorbet, and I couldn't enjoy it with you... *sigh.*




damn you.

We.

"Fuck EVERYTHING."

"Uhmm.. Why are we fucking everything? Are we ******?"

"We are hurt. We are angry and we had a flat tire this morning and oh did I mention our ex Adam called us today and we heard his voice for the first time since May?"

"Hm.... We also have a bladder infection. Today isn't our day."

"Today is not our day. Today is painful and according to our roommate it's the last day we're allowed to wallow in our pain and tomorrow we have to move on and we're scared."

It's wonderful when having a certain friend means you never have to bear a burden alone.

A Healing Process - Tomorrow and You.

Tomorrow I have to stop longing for you. I have to stop imagining you coming back and begging for me again. Tomorrow I have to let go of this constant wish that you'll walk through that door and hug me, tell me you want to be with me, tomorrow, I have to be happy.
Today is my last day to cry just because I want to. Tomorrow I have to do what I absolutely don't want to do and move on. 
Today, somebody asked me what I look for in an ideal partner

"Honest, mostly (so trustworthyness). Confident. Kind. Caring. A good sense of humor. A lighthearted demeanor. Patient. LOTS of patience. Protective. The ability to be silly but also serious when they should be. Understanding. Independent. He should have strong goals in life. Someone who can take care of themselves. Someone who can be a complete dork in a way that makes me laugh, but also isn't extremely socially awkward. Someone who won't push me to move faster than I want to, both emotionally and physically. Someone who likes to cuddle but also understands that it gets too hot at night sometimes. Active. They have to respect America and our soldiers because they have to get along with Sean, Garrett, and Keber, and gaining their approval isn't easy "

There was my answer. And yeah, I honestly didn't realize until the end of my list that you fall into every single category on that list. This is what I've lost, do you see it now?! Damn you for being perfect! 
But tomorrow I have to let go of this fantasy that you'll come back and move on. Even though that's the last thing I want to do, tomorrow I have to regain my passion for life and live it how I always do. 
Tomorrow, I have to be strong.
Tomorrow I shall wear a smile and I will skip a little bit and I will enjoy life and maybe I'll even flirt a little bit and I'll open myself to the fact that there may be just one more person in Fairbanks who falls into all of those same qualifications and yet is more perfect than you in just one more way. Because I know for a fact there's one of two options out there.
Either you'll come back to me someday,
or
I'll find somebody better. 

A Healing Process - Moping and Fucking the World

Chelsea says I'm only allowed to mope for one more day, and that day is today.
I woke up Saturday and it hurt, but I sucked it up and went to work. I came back from work, I cried. I came back from dinner, I cried. I came back from Denny's, I cried some more. Saturday all I did was cry.
Sunday I layed in bed watching movies and attempting to do homework and I only cried a little bit compared to Saturday. But I did cry. I just curled up into a ball and moped and Chelsea started going into tough love mode. "One more day! That's all I'm giving you. I moped for three days after Chuck and then I started being happy again and that's what made him want to come back so Damnit, on Tuesday, no more moping!"
So today, Monday, I was going to thoroughly enjoy my moping. I was going to take full advantage of it and mope to my heart's content. It was going to be a happy mope. I healing mope.
But I woke up and my heart hurt so bad I could practically feel it breaking. So I slept a little longer than I should have to regain my composure. I wasn't going to hurt today. Just mope. That's all. No crying. So I slept. When I finally decided I needed to go out into the world (I did have two tests and work, after all,) I found this:

One big "Fuck You, Ashleigh."

So, thanks World. Fuck you too. Fuck you and your not letting me heal. Tomorrow, I'm going to be the happiest motherfucker in the world. Just to fuck right back with you. Because today, I hate you. I hate your fucking guts, world. You're ruining things that are really fucking special to me and for that, I hate you.

Fish

I've been swimming in this sea for a significant amount of time, now. I know first hand how many fish it contains. I've had my fair share of history with said fish. I dated an anglerfish for over a year... The only fish I ever loved. I'd fallen for many more anglerfish. People who drew me in with their false appearances and ended up snapping me with their ugly jaws.
But this fish? This fish was the most beautiful, kindest, gentlest fish I'd ever met. This fish was the Moorish Idol of my life so far. And this fish decided to swim beside me, to take an interest in me, and to become close to me. This fish became my companion for such a fleeting time.
Until yesterday when this fish decided to just turn left - turn away - from me. To just swim away. This fish decided he just didn't want to swim by my side anymore - the waters were just too cold.
No, this fish, he wasn't with me long. But look at who he was! So good to me. So patient. So willing.
And I know there are more Moorish Idols. But this one? He was mine. And yes, I miss him. And no, right now, I don't want any other fish. I want my fish back.

And yes, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry until my Moorish Idol comes back to me. Until he realizes he misses swimming with my company and comes back asking to swim with me once more. So that makes me pathetic. So that makes me a wreck. So I'd said the same thing about Adam right when we first broke up.

But Adam and I, I understood. Long distance wasn't working anymore. We had constantly been fighting. We were no longer working. I understood that. I didn't like it. I fought it tooth and nail. But I knew that.

This, I don't understand. I don't know what happened. We'd been working up until the exact moment he told me it just wasn't going to work. And I don't know why he felt that way. So call me pathetic if you want. Think what you want. But right now, for me, the sea IS very lonely. Just a day ago, I DID lose the fish I'd been counting on for "this season of my life." And I think that entitles me to a little bit of mourning. Because when you lose something so special, it hurts. No matter if it had been a month and a half or a year and a half, it hurts. And to me, this hurts like hell. Like absolute hell. I feel like shit. I spent the entire day playing last night over and over in my head. Every word he said, every word I stuttered, every step I took away from him. Over and over like a broken fucking record in my head. And all day I put on a face, I let the world know I was fine.

But I got home from work and I laid in bed and I cried. Just cried. Just let myself be not so brave, not so strong, because I don't want to be strong.
After dinner, I laid on my floor and I cried some more. I called Jessy, wishing I could talk to Sean. Fuck it all, I even called Adam today. For the first time since we broke up. In June. He didn't answer but I was so upset I took that step. And I honestly just wanted Adam to assure me that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
And now, I'll cry some more. I'll close my computer and I'll refuse to be strong enough to just fake it until I make it. There's a specialness in Gary that I've never found in anyone before him and yes, it breaks my heart that he left. It breaks my heart every time the moment replays in my head and for a while I'm going to be upset. I'm going to cry. And that, that is okay

they say there's nothing wrong with me at all, but...

and you're gone.
you're gone and I'm terrified again and I want you to come back and just tell me you really were joking.
just take my hand again and tell me it'll be alright, I'll be alright, we'll be alright.
don't let me sit here and cry like this, don't let me be miserable anymore.
you were my soldier.
fighting for me, to work through my history and be okay.
us. together.
and you just left.
cut it clean, saying there was no feeling there.
which just feels like bullSHIT.
how?!
I don't know what happened.

Baby,

you are amazing.
you were everything I deserved.
I'll miss you, for a bit.
it'll hurt, for a bit.
but thank you anyways.

November - Azure Ray

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities?
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
Oh, 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
Ohh.. 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
Doo doo doo


-----
somehow this song is so much more than a song. it speaks my heart. it gives me strength. it breaks my heart. it makes me feel. it seems to be the blood running through my veins, like it's lived in my soul for the past six months and resonates as strongly with my emotions from six months ago as it does now. 
this song is my strength in my weaknesses.
this song is the fact that i was dying to love you and loving you killed me.
this song is how i can feel for who i feel now, and never forget the first time.
this song is everything i felt from beginning to end.

Quote.

"When I see you, the world stops. It's stops and all that exists for me, is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts and worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops and it's a beautiful place and there's only you. Just you. And my eyes staring at you. When you're gone, the world starts again and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best feeling I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, is why I stare at you."

i can't finish that sentence.

i'm still broken. i think.
i feel like damaged goods.
i spend a lot of time wondering what you see in me. what anybody sees in me more than a broken heart and a fierce, stubborn attempt at passing off as healthy. healed. i want you to be aware that i'm broken so i can be reassured that you're patient enough to stumble through it with me. with you by my side i'm not ... i don't know what i'm not. i'm finding it hard to finish that thought. that sentence. on the flipside of the same coin, i don't want you to know i'm broken because i don't want that to make you leave. somehow despite all my defenses you've become something i'm afraid of losing.
how long ago has it been since i told myself i didn't want anything more that i couldn't handle losing? i've lost enough these past five months. holy shit, it's been five months. it's been almost six months. how has it been so long since i lost ... what did i lose? i can't finish that sentence either. obviously i lost adam. but i'd been losing adam. i didn't lose love, i just had a whole bunch of love with nowhere to go and it began to overwhelm me.
such is the beauty of life, i'm losing my words. i've lost the long relationship i've had with the english language, left it for music. symphonies and harmonies and melodies being the only time i can face who i am.

i'm begging you to force it out of me. make me talk. make me let you listen. please, just tell me you're willing to listen. when i'm with you my fears fall away and i can convince myself everything's okay and when you're gone i can never retain that feeling. when you're not around i'm scared to believe that you actually care. if you're not there to show it i'm scared to allow myself to believe it. i'm not scared of trusting you, i'm scared of trusting me. there are a million things i know you'd never do. i know you'd never cheat. i know you'd not quickly lose patience. i know you're honest. but i'm afraid to allow myself to accept that.
and for that i am sorry.

The Lion's Child

In my next life I shall be a lion's child, with a lion's heart and a lion's claw, 
a lion's strength, living under the lion's law.
I shall roar a lion's roar, fight a lion's fight,
and I shall do all these things as I lie down tonight.
I shall have a lion's invincibility, a lion's courage,
But I shall never be trapped in a lion's cage.

Perfect Fifths

for you,
it's an enjoyable experience. it sounds pretty. it's a good song. it's not something you'd listen to often because it's not something you can sing along with. it's not something you can sing or dance to. for you, it's attending a friend's orchestra concert. it's putting up with someone else wanting to hear the sound of two violins, a viola, a cello and a bass play in perfect harmony. for you it's sound. it's noise. maybe for you it's what you'd call music. such a loose term.

for me,
it's heart. it's soul. it's body. it's an all encompassing experience. it's emotion. it's love, it's hate, it's pure happiness and pure sadness and every emotion you've ever felt slamming into you all at once. it's tears of joy, sadness and pain. for me, it's foreplay and it's sensual and it's a climax. it's blood, sweat and tears. it's the connection i have with my violin and the love i've always had for playing. for me it's no longer about whether or not i can play that measure but the fact that I'M MAKING MUSIC anyways. to me, i'm the instrument. to me, i'm the one being played, and she's the one with the talent. For me, it's all  of my heart. For me it's my heart racing, for me it's my heart no longer beating. To me it's memories, it's future, it's RIGHT NOW.

It's Love, for me.
It's hard work and an amazing payoff.
It's the closest I ever come to realizing how much I am.
It's Harmony.

My heart beat once.

I lay there in your arms with my head against your chest and listened to the sound of your heartbeat. My hand rest next to my face and could feel the steady rhythm I heard drumming. You leaned down to kiss my hair and my mind filled with wonder.
Who did your heart beat for today?
Today,
My heart beat once for bonding with Mattie and Kayla over rum and egg nog.
My heart beat once for Chelsea and how every day I grow to love her more.
My heart beat once for the Freedom Writers.
My heart beat once for Sable, as it does every minute of every day.
My heart beat once for Enzo, who's merely a character in a book.
My heart beat once for Will, and the excitement I always have to see him.
My heart beat once for Emily, and the amazing memories I'll always have.
My heart beat once for Lavina, as it often does, for reading her growth.
My heart beat once for Sean, sending him love I can't convey every day.
My heart beat once for my mom, dad, and sister, as it's done more powerfully every day I haven't been home.
And, as it's grown to do more and more often,
My heart beat once for you.

Please.

I want some sunshine back.
I want to stop having to work at being happy, and just let it happen. The darkness is practically killing me. I'm lethargic. I can't do anything more than sleep. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night, exhausted at having to work so hard to live happily when this summer living just came so easily. I almost had too much life to live. I want that feeling - that energy back.

Dear Sean.

I want to know what you did today.
I want to know what "week zero" consisted of. I want to know what weapon they're giving you. I want to know how bad the food sucks, how hard PT is, how much sleep you're getting, I want to know it all.
I want to know what you think about, I want to know how you've noticed yourself changing. I want to know everything so that I have something to go off of.
It's proved to be the most painful. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you again.
I can't wait to get my first letter from youu. I miss you fiercely.
And I love you.
P.S. Two are on their way.

howyou'remakingmefeel.(:

wake up.
open my eyes.
timid.
go through the day.
work. school. play.
nervous
see you. be with you.
happy.
kiss you goodnight.
say goodbye.
euphoric.
go to sleep.
wake up. open my eyes.
a little less timid.

Scared to Cry

there have been little moments. the tears i know are there escape and i do my best to hide my face.
i knew i needed to cry, that's why i watched dear john.
i needed to get all of the tears out. but i was scared.
scared to let go of the tears. scared to accept this defeat.
accept that you're gone.
and until the credits started rolling my mission had failed.
i hadn't cried it out.
and all of a sudden the movie ended and i wasn't able to hold it in anymore.
the tears started falling and i had no control,
but i was scared to let them see. i was surrounded by people
who would've been there for me.
who wanted to let me cry.
i even had safe arms holding me.
arms simply asking to comfort me as i grieved. arms that want to protect me from the world.
safe arms.
and yet i still chose to suck it up, to not let it out, to regain control.
these tears are hiding inside of me.
this grief is being suppressed because i'm too scared.
i'm too scared to cry through this goodbye.

I am.

all i know is i am very much. sometimes too much, but never to little.

i am passion. i'm a bundle of fire and a thorough lover. i may half-ass what i do, but i do NOT half-ass who i am.  sometimes i overwhelm myself with my muchness, but taming this beast would lead to the 

desecration

of who i am and i'm no longer willing to accept that. people love me for who i am. people handle me through my rough emotions and love me no less for it. people laugh with me through my happy moments and love me even more for it.

i've always known this about myself and in certain situations i tried to hide it and tame it. for a year i dated someone and tried to tame it because i was afraid of scaring love away.

but i'm starting to realize that he didn't want to love who i was, he wanted to love who he wanted me to be. i wanted so bad for him to love me that i tried to be a lesser version of who i am. i lost my muchness. well, i didn't lose it. i hid it from him so that he would love me.

what kind of fucked up love is that? i let him squish me into this mold of who he wanted to be and we only started fighting when i got uncomfortable, trapped inside a too small cage and dying for some breathing room. 

and when i could finally breathe it hurt so much i started to miss my cage. i yearned for it until my lungs adjusted to being able to function with the proper amount of oxygen and fresh air. and i got high off of it. which led me to do things i wouldn't have normally ever done. 

but my high is starting to fade and i'm starting to realize how much i am. how much passion, how much love, how much fire, how much hate, how much stress, how much carefree, how much laughter, how much life, how much ME I am.

i'm a wild beast formed from different standards than most of society but i cant claim i'd have it any other way. and this week i've realized that while i'd been pushed out from society a lot when i was younger, there are millions of people who embrace the unknown and learn to know and love it, instead of fearing it and keeping it at a distance. there are many people over my life who have never doubted who i am or questioned me, who have only loved me for who i am, just the way i am, no matter how much i've annoyed them or wronged them.

which is something i just realized as i wrote it. people i haven't recognized. people who aren't sean, garrett, keber, and jessy. people outside of my old familiar comfort zone.

sydney.

emily.

lavina.

timmy.

apparently david.

ariel.

ivyl.

shannon.

dawn.

chelsea.

thank you guys for your amazing capacity to love.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

If I were a bird, I'd walk on the edges of the highest buildings without fear. I'd run across power lines as fast as I could and not worry about the hard concrete behind me. If I were a bird, I'd try to walk up the side of as many buildings as I possibly could. If I were a bird, I'd try to stand on top of moving cars and see how fast it went before I couldn't hold on anymore.


If I were a bird, I'd take so many more risks without any of the fear, because in the worst case scenario, if I fell,


I could always fly to safety.

Bravery

In Harry Potter, three kids grow through seven years of friendship,
of trials and tests and almost death,
together. they grow to love each other as they grow into adulthood together.
Seven years.
Their story is like an exaggerated, amplified version of the life we've lived as friends.
You, me, him, and them. The five of us, put together one at a time.
Starting with you and me.
And two years later the five of us had all officially met, as kids.
And since then we've grown to love each other... as we grew into adulthood together.
We're the kind of friends that are always associated with each other.
We've tumbled through everything together, the hard times and the bad.
Had an unspoken pact to always be there for each other.
Understood each other in ways nobody else could.
"Because I've known you for six years. I know you better than you know yourself."
We've been through everything together.
Now, one of us is already gone.
One of us leaves in a week.
Only two of us are staying for sure.
That's the biggest difference between us and Harry Potter. The epilogue, nineteen years later and they're all fricken married together and next door neighbors and their kids are going to school together.
We're barely adults and we're all leaving each other.
I may be brave enough for a lot of things,
but it's hard to be brave enough for this.