To All I Do,
You and I, we were just sex, but I miss it. I miss the raw, need your body now sex. I miss the giggly, fun, couldn't stop laughing sex. I miss the why are we still doing this? Switch it up sex. I miss sitting on his couch and you practically pouncing on me when everyone had left the room for a minute. I miss arguing over who was going to be nice to who, who was going to wear the jersey, I miss arguing over what was in the Netflix cue. I miss being out and saying "let's go home."
So I don't talk about it, I let it go, let people think that it really was just sex. But our sex and our us was the most fun and stress-free anything I'd had in so long, that I'd grown to really care for it. I don't talk about our hockey season because our hockey season is over and as peaceful and friendly as the ending was, it feels like a breakup and a small part of me wants it back.
Until we smoke cigars,
-A
Monday, February 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Too much
I'm too full, have too much love, and I want to be able to love somebody. Because if I maintain this much love in my system, contained and uncontrolled, it will irritate me and make me angry.
It's the worst when love makes you angry.
Somebody's hand to hold, somebody's eyes to stare into, somebody's voice to listen to, somebody to say good morning to.
It's the worst when love makes you angry.
Somebody's hand to hold, somebody's eyes to stare into, somebody's voice to listen to, somebody to say good morning to.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
<3
I don't "<3 you."
more accurately, I "greater than or equal to three you." how I feel for you is greater than I can handle sometimes and is entirely equal to three words
I love you.
more accurately, I "greater than or equal to three you." how I feel for you is greater than I can handle sometimes and is entirely equal to three words
I love you.
Friday, January 6, 2012
You, Them, Me.
There is you, and there are A, B, C, and D. There are you and there are them and there is me.
There is you. You who are a stranger, a lover, a friend, or a being of undefinable existence. You who I yell at and plead for and cry for and yell at. You who are sometimes A, in the past B, once C, but never D. You who are a reader or a silent listener or a stranger or the only one who knows. You, the one I talk to, talk with, talk about or tell at.
There are A, B, C and D.
There is A who has broken and fixed and found and trashed and ruined and made happy my heart. A whom I hate, A whom I love, A whom I can love no longer.
And there is B, B who has been my solid rock, my foundation. B who has picked up the pieces and yelled at me for being so stupid while trying to mold the pieces back into the shape of a heart.
And there is C. C who I want to keep to myself, whom I don't want to share, C who I never want for myself because I can't love you that way. C who I wanted at one time in the loneliest of days.
Then there is D, who's never been you, who hasn't deserved to be you, but D who belongs because D is now and now relates to A, B and C.
Then there is Me. Me is a girl who is broken and lost and falling and sinking and finally asked for help. Help with this funk that Me has been sinking into, this full blown depression, help with Me's relationship with her father and with herself. Help to take care of herself to improve her relationships with others. Me, who doesn't know who to turn to tell.
There is you. You who are a stranger, a lover, a friend, or a being of undefinable existence. You who I yell at and plead for and cry for and yell at. You who are sometimes A, in the past B, once C, but never D. You who are a reader or a silent listener or a stranger or the only one who knows. You, the one I talk to, talk with, talk about or tell at.
There are A, B, C and D.
There is A who has broken and fixed and found and trashed and ruined and made happy my heart. A whom I hate, A whom I love, A whom I can love no longer.
And there is B, B who has been my solid rock, my foundation. B who has picked up the pieces and yelled at me for being so stupid while trying to mold the pieces back into the shape of a heart.
And there is C. C who I want to keep to myself, whom I don't want to share, C who I never want for myself because I can't love you that way. C who I wanted at one time in the loneliest of days.
Then there is D, who's never been you, who hasn't deserved to be you, but D who belongs because D is now and now relates to A, B and C.
Then there is Me. Me is a girl who is broken and lost and falling and sinking and finally asked for help. Help with this funk that Me has been sinking into, this full blown depression, help with Me's relationship with her father and with herself. Help to take care of herself to improve her relationships with others. Me, who doesn't know who to turn to tell.
Breaking Up With You Is Proving Difficult.
How much more can I tell you that I don't want your apologies because they're meaningless. Your words are worthless/ruthless/vicious. 
Monday, January 2, 2012
Goodbye, my Love.
I'm terribly bad at breaking up with people. It's hard for me, and I imagine for everyone else, to say goodbye to the people I love. When I knew Adam and my relationship was over, I still decided to hang on, for love. Numerous poisonous friendships in my life went on for too long because I was willing to forgive too much. And today, when I was supposed to "break up" with a guy Ive never dated, the most I did was remain silent as he walked out the door.
I guess, as an excuse, I could say he sprung it on me a day early. In the final act of assery I allowed him, he decided to cut our visit short 24 hours sooner than need be, not knowing it was the last time we would be visiting in this context. If we happen upon each other's company again, I will not sleep with him.
Yet, as poisonous, disastrous, and harmful as our quasi relationship was, as crazy, irrational, and hateful he made me, I couldn't look him in the eye and say, "it's over." how could I expect him to react to "I still really want to be friends," when we had never been defined as anything more? What could I say? "I'm never sleeping with you again, but stay in touch"? How could I expect someone so important to me to ever want to hear my name again after that.
But I'm being resolute about this. Maybe it's fitting, after the clock struck midnight, and the year was officially 2012, my resolution would be forced upon me on the 1st and not the 2nd. And this is it. No more sex with Javan. No more letting him have that hold on me. I have far better and more stable, more respectable options, who are here in town.
It'll make it easier getting through the next few weeks remembering that he really was extremely harmful to my mental health. And, my option in town seems so far to be very beneficial to my mental health....(:
I guess, as an excuse, I could say he sprung it on me a day early. In the final act of assery I allowed him, he decided to cut our visit short 24 hours sooner than need be, not knowing it was the last time we would be visiting in this context. If we happen upon each other's company again, I will not sleep with him.
Yet, as poisonous, disastrous, and harmful as our quasi relationship was, as crazy, irrational, and hateful he made me, I couldn't look him in the eye and say, "it's over." how could I expect him to react to "I still really want to be friends," when we had never been defined as anything more? What could I say? "I'm never sleeping with you again, but stay in touch"? How could I expect someone so important to me to ever want to hear my name again after that.
But I'm being resolute about this. Maybe it's fitting, after the clock struck midnight, and the year was officially 2012, my resolution would be forced upon me on the 1st and not the 2nd. And this is it. No more sex with Javan. No more letting him have that hold on me. I have far better and more stable, more respectable options, who are here in town.
It'll make it easier getting through the next few weeks remembering that he really was extremely harmful to my mental health. And, my option in town seems so far to be very beneficial to my mental health....(:
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