In The Flesh

You were here. You were here in the flesh and you were here for me and we got food and we went to the hotel and we watched that movie you didn't want to watch
 - you watched it for me -
and after the movie ended we sat and we talked and talked and talked like we always do and then we weren't talking anymore and it was magnificent and we tried
 - we tried -
to have sex but it hurt so bad (they don't tell you how bad when they say it hurts but maybe I think it's just so different for everybody) and we stopped and it was awkward but I sat up and rested my head on your knee we talked and we talked
 - and we talked -
and it stopped being awkward and there was laughter and there were jokes and there were tender gentle kisses and we went and tried again and it hurt at first again but you were slower and kinder and we had sex
 - I had sex, we had sex, there was sex -
with Looney Toons playing in the background on this hotel's T.V. room and it was a strange and unfamiliar experience and even now I'm still not entirely comfortable with it but it takes me a while to adjust so I think that's okay.

Then we were lying in bed together and we were talking and talking and talking
 - as we do -
and there was laughter and you asked me if I felt different and at the time I was indifferent, it was okay, here we were lying in bed laughing and joking and talking as we do and it was okay. You were holding my had but you asked me to not hold it all night, you couldn't sleep like that
 - you're not so affectionate -
which kills me because I'm more affectionate than  anyone I know and then we slept together as in actually speaking but it kind of felt like you were miles away from me on this bed and I was so cold so cold so cold.

In the morning you woke up you woke me up but I refused to wake up as I'm apt to do because mornings are never my strongest moments and you turned on football and slowly I woke and there was more sex
 - Michigan V. Michigan State -
which will make you feel like a bro.


So that's what happened when I lost my virginity and maybe it wasn't the best experience to hold out for when you put it on paper but I don't regret a minute of it which is what really matters.

Chelsea yelled at me and Keber told me that it's possible and sometimes I worry that you're just using me for sex and it's a possibility but there's weird things you do that make me not believe it.

It's the million tiny things throughout the day versus the one big thing they think I should be seeing -
you may not have brought me flowers and chocolates but when I accuse you of being a duck murderer and make references to world war two and I am at my nerdiest, most exposed and truest moments when you tell me you want to be with me, again.
 - they refuse to see that -
or they blow it off as "guys will do anything to sleep with you,"

and I'm sorry but I'm NOT sorry that I refuse to believe that guys are all just pigs - because it's not true. At this age guys are young and idiotic and mis-focused but that doesn't make them bad people, even if they may not treat your loved ones like royalty. This is the real world and people are

real

and

honest


and


 flawed.

I'm not pretending that you or they or I am any different.