I hate this part

the part where I don't know whether to laugh or to cry
but crying seems the more likely.
I hate this part being stuck in limbo and feeling
like I have to feel it.
Listening to happy music makes me feel unbearably guilty and listening to the songs
that remind me that I'm alone,
that nobody is holding my hand
and the person I want to be with is in love with a high school girl
is the only way I feel like I'm feeling what I deserve to feel.
And I tell myself, "I don't deserve anything less who doesn't choose me as second best"
and that if someone can't see me above the rest,
then he's not worth it.
But you know, reason doesn't stand a chance in the fight against emotion with me.
So it goes...
It was so much easier when I let myself be blind to what was going on.
When I refused to admit I had those feelings.
But you know, it's easier to ignore when you only have to ignore yourself.
And not the ten people around you telling you how you feel, and how he feels, and how you look and act together.
I want to kick and scream and yell.
Make it clear that I don't settle for anything less than being a princess.
And that I don't rest easy as second best.
But, you know,
as far as he'll tell anyone,
he doesn't even want me.

Did I mention I hate this feeling? How I feel like I'm being stupid and of course I  shouldn't settle for being second best and that if he doesn't see me as number one than he's not worth it and I should just move on,
and I know all this,
I believe all this,
yet no amount of reason stops me from
Feeling this.