Please don't mind what I'm trying to say...

There was one point that I had the perfect friend, in everyone.
Emily was there to keep me entertained at work. To laugh with me and make random plans with me. Sean was there to be my backbone. Jessy was there to help me get through the hard times. Lavina was there to laugh with, and eat subway with, and gossip about our boyfriends with. It was the perfect summer. I had freedom, I had love, I had my friends.
I had Adam.
He's become such a big part of me. He's my best friend. He's my worst enemy. He's my biggest supporter and my worst critic. I'm not explaining this right... He is actively my best friend. Actively my biggest supporter.
He's the one I can't let down because he's got the most stake in me. With Adam I have a best friend and a lover. With Adam I have someone who completes me, by being there. We spend hours upon hours on the phone. Most of the time, we're doing our seperate things. We're not even talking. But we're there for each other, in case any one of us has something we want to say.
I don't think of myself without him. Every decision I make is made with him in mind. My actions revolve around his reactions.
I have everything I could possibly need in Adam.

But I missed my friends. I disconnected with them, because I was giving my all to Adam. Not a bad thing, you say? But what about the other people I cared about. When did it become so easy to stop caring? To not want to see anybody else because I was going to talk to Adam tonight anyways? I missed them something terribly. So I reconnected. With all of the aforementioned people....


....Except Lavina. This is to you, Lavina.
I still miss you. The complete and honest reason as to why I haven't tried to reconnect with you is because 1) i don't know how. 2) I don't know what you think of me anymore. 3) We've both changed. I'm afraid of us hanging out again being awkward.

I want to go see a scary movie with you and laugh at how stupid poeple are being. I'd invite you over, except my home has absolutely nowhere for any of my friends to watch a movie, uninterrupted.
I want to go eat some Subway and talk... But it's been so long since we've talked... I don't remember where we left off last.

Please don't take this the wrong way... But sometimes it felt like it wasn't easy to maintain our friendship... So I stopped trying. But I want to try again. It was easier when we went to school together. When I could walk into Lathrop in the mornings and fall back asleep on your shoulder. Or your leg. When we could trade looks in our group of friends, and I could see my thoughts on your face.

But where do I start from here? How do I get my friend back?

Message.

The Caller you have reached is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep.
-beep-
Hey. It's just me.
I missed you today. We didn't get to talk for that long.
It was a busy day.
I was hoping to catch you before you fell asleep.
sigh....
I shouldn't complain, though. A couple weeks and this relationship won't consist of purely texts and phone calls.
I can suck it up till then.
But I still miss you.
....
My family went psychotic at dinner, as usual. I guess I'll have to talk to you about it tomorrow. But sometimes it hurts, how much they tear each other (and me) apart.
....
I supposed this is a long enough message. Depressing, too ...
Call me in the morning when you get this...
I lo-
-Beep -
.......
The Caller you have reached is unavailable. Please leave a message, after the beep.
-Beep-
I love you.

Sable.

I can still remember the day we brought her home.

I can still hear her sliding across the kitchen floor, eager to go outside.

I can still feel the warmth radiating off of her as she's lying next to me.

I can still see every expression she ever made on her face.

I can still hear her growling at me the first time I ever scared her.

I can still feel the welts she gave me as we play-fought.

I can still hear her screaming in pain the night she died.

I can still feel the helplessness as I didn't know what to do.

I can still hear my screams over hers.

I can still see my dad running down the stairs.

I can still see the last time I saw her.

I wonder when Christmas season won't make me think of her dying. I wonder when I won't remember what she felt like next to me. I wonder if I'll ever forget the emptyness I felt, being home alone truly for the first time, ever. I wonder if I'll ever forget her screams. I wonder if I'll ever forget the worst night of my life.

She's the reason I need to believe in God. I need to believe in Heaven. I need to know that the night she died, she left us for something better. She had the best life here on earth, she was loved more than any dog I ever knew. I need to know that it wasn't all in vain.

I guess I forgot to give it a Name.

The thing is... I don't get little moments.

Correction. We don't get our little moments.

No subtle intertwining of our fingers.

No sneaking glances at each other from across the room.

No moments to discreetly kiss.

Because we are so far apart.

I consider you lucky,

if you can kiss the one you love goodnight

tonight.

I consider you blessed,

if you can see him (or her) tomorrow

or if you saw them just yesterday.

Nothing ever prepared me for this.

I'm scared that I won't be able to do this right.

How do I say "Hello, nice to meet you. I'm your girlfriend."

I'm scared that the first time I say

"I Love You."

To his face, it'll come out wrong.

I'm scared that I won't be able to kiss him

Like we've been dating for so long.

I'm scared that our new

In Person relationship

Won't be as successful as the one we have now.

I'm scared.

Of Losing You.

And I, have to speculate, that God himself...

There was a time I talked myself out of the Universe, and consequently, God. My starting argument was as clear as day - nothing could go on forever. The Universe had to end somewhere. My mind couldn't wrap itself around the concept that the Universe was in fact universal. "It's got to be inside something, like some sort of box. But what makes that box and what is outside that box?" I speculated. The concept of forever was foreign to me, and I was doomed. The Universe can't go on forever, therefore God cannot exist everywhere. That was my thesis, as convoluted as it sounds. After all, the two things are hardly related. I was around sixteen at the time, and I was merely proving my immaturity. I was sixteen and on top of the world, Invincible, All Knowing, and clearly the Center of the (nonexistant) Universe. "So really," I gabbered on the phone to my ever understanding friend, Eli, "what our existance is, is basically nothingness. There is no Universe, it's impossible. Christianity is a Lie. This is just like Sophie's World. Life is a stage, and we merely it's players." In my deep, philosophical mind, I became the epitome of disillusioned.

And then, two years later, something changed.

I fell in love. A few months after my startling revelation that the Universe was a lie, I began to calm down. A year later, I was definitely more mature, and more willing to explore coming to friendly terms with Christianity again. But falling in love gave me a whole new way to look at things. Suddenly, the world was bigger than just myself. I had someone's heart in my hands and it was more precious than my own. This was indeed Life Changing. My summer romance involved some of the deepest conversations of my life. I expressed my fears about Christianity, about trust, and about many other things. My summer romance blossomed through fall and is still in full bloom this winter, and some of those fears have dissolved. While I haven't quite been able to claim myself as a Christian, I believe there is a God, the Universe is, without a doubt, Universal, and I am no where close to it's core.

I'm only eighteen, I'm only just starting College, and I'm only beginning to have some of the greatest experiences of my life. I understand that I am not all of a sudden fully grown and all knowing and just wise to the extreme. Just don't expect to catch me admitting that to my parents. I'm still stubborn and free spirited. I've got a lot of growing up to do still. It's nice, though, to be able to sit back and reflect on what I can see changing in my life. I'm eighteen and a life to go. And I know I'll have more moments where I'm fully convinced that something just isn't right, but it's moments like these that change the world. Most of these moments, in my life, will result in self growth. But maybe, just maybe, one of these moments will change the way the rest of the world thinks, too. Maybe I'll stumble across something so ridiculously unexplored, or a fact just taken for granted, and my doubt will truly change just a small part of the Universe. Till then, I'm just me with all my ideas. Just me with all my growing up to do. Just me with all the growing up I've already done.