I am.

all i know is i am very much. sometimes too much, but never to little.

i am passion. i'm a bundle of fire and a thorough lover. i may half-ass what i do, but i do NOT half-ass who i am.  sometimes i overwhelm myself with my muchness, but taming this beast would lead to the 

desecration

of who i am and i'm no longer willing to accept that. people love me for who i am. people handle me through my rough emotions and love me no less for it. people laugh with me through my happy moments and love me even more for it.

i've always known this about myself and in certain situations i tried to hide it and tame it. for a year i dated someone and tried to tame it because i was afraid of scaring love away.

but i'm starting to realize that he didn't want to love who i was, he wanted to love who he wanted me to be. i wanted so bad for him to love me that i tried to be a lesser version of who i am. i lost my muchness. well, i didn't lose it. i hid it from him so that he would love me.

what kind of fucked up love is that? i let him squish me into this mold of who he wanted to be and we only started fighting when i got uncomfortable, trapped inside a too small cage and dying for some breathing room. 

and when i could finally breathe it hurt so much i started to miss my cage. i yearned for it until my lungs adjusted to being able to function with the proper amount of oxygen and fresh air. and i got high off of it. which led me to do things i wouldn't have normally ever done. 

but my high is starting to fade and i'm starting to realize how much i am. how much passion, how much love, how much fire, how much hate, how much stress, how much carefree, how much laughter, how much life, how much ME I am.

i'm a wild beast formed from different standards than most of society but i cant claim i'd have it any other way. and this week i've realized that while i'd been pushed out from society a lot when i was younger, there are millions of people who embrace the unknown and learn to know and love it, instead of fearing it and keeping it at a distance. there are many people over my life who have never doubted who i am or questioned me, who have only loved me for who i am, just the way i am, no matter how much i've annoyed them or wronged them.

which is something i just realized as i wrote it. people i haven't recognized. people who aren't sean, garrett, keber, and jessy. people outside of my old familiar comfort zone.

sydney.

emily.

lavina.

timmy.

apparently david.

ariel.

ivyl.

shannon.

dawn.

chelsea.

thank you guys for your amazing capacity to love.