Scared to Cry

there have been little moments. the tears i know are there escape and i do my best to hide my face.
i knew i needed to cry, that's why i watched dear john.
i needed to get all of the tears out. but i was scared.
scared to let go of the tears. scared to accept this defeat.
accept that you're gone.
and until the credits started rolling my mission had failed.
i hadn't cried it out.
and all of a sudden the movie ended and i wasn't able to hold it in anymore.
the tears started falling and i had no control,
but i was scared to let them see. i was surrounded by people
who would've been there for me.
who wanted to let me cry.
i even had safe arms holding me.
arms simply asking to comfort me as i grieved. arms that want to protect me from the world.
safe arms.
and yet i still chose to suck it up, to not let it out, to regain control.
these tears are hiding inside of me.
this grief is being suppressed because i'm too scared.
i'm too scared to cry through this goodbye.