Fish

I've been swimming in this sea for a significant amount of time, now. I know first hand how many fish it contains. I've had my fair share of history with said fish. I dated an anglerfish for over a year... The only fish I ever loved. I'd fallen for many more anglerfish. People who drew me in with their false appearances and ended up snapping me with their ugly jaws.
But this fish? This fish was the most beautiful, kindest, gentlest fish I'd ever met. This fish was the Moorish Idol of my life so far. And this fish decided to swim beside me, to take an interest in me, and to become close to me. This fish became my companion for such a fleeting time.
Until yesterday when this fish decided to just turn left - turn away - from me. To just swim away. This fish decided he just didn't want to swim by my side anymore - the waters were just too cold.
No, this fish, he wasn't with me long. But look at who he was! So good to me. So patient. So willing.
And I know there are more Moorish Idols. But this one? He was mine. And yes, I miss him. And no, right now, I don't want any other fish. I want my fish back.

And yes, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry until my Moorish Idol comes back to me. Until he realizes he misses swimming with my company and comes back asking to swim with me once more. So that makes me pathetic. So that makes me a wreck. So I'd said the same thing about Adam right when we first broke up.

But Adam and I, I understood. Long distance wasn't working anymore. We had constantly been fighting. We were no longer working. I understood that. I didn't like it. I fought it tooth and nail. But I knew that.

This, I don't understand. I don't know what happened. We'd been working up until the exact moment he told me it just wasn't going to work. And I don't know why he felt that way. So call me pathetic if you want. Think what you want. But right now, for me, the sea IS very lonely. Just a day ago, I DID lose the fish I'd been counting on for "this season of my life." And I think that entitles me to a little bit of mourning. Because when you lose something so special, it hurts. No matter if it had been a month and a half or a year and a half, it hurts. And to me, this hurts like hell. Like absolute hell. I feel like shit. I spent the entire day playing last night over and over in my head. Every word he said, every word I stuttered, every step I took away from him. Over and over like a broken fucking record in my head. And all day I put on a face, I let the world know I was fine.

But I got home from work and I laid in bed and I cried. Just cried. Just let myself be not so brave, not so strong, because I don't want to be strong.
After dinner, I laid on my floor and I cried some more. I called Jessy, wishing I could talk to Sean. Fuck it all, I even called Adam today. For the first time since we broke up. In June. He didn't answer but I was so upset I took that step. And I honestly just wanted Adam to assure me that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
And now, I'll cry some more. I'll close my computer and I'll refuse to be strong enough to just fake it until I make it. There's a specialness in Gary that I've never found in anyone before him and yes, it breaks my heart that he left. It breaks my heart every time the moment replays in my head and for a while I'm going to be upset. I'm going to cry. And that, that is okay