truth, faith, hope and LoVe.

How I usually explain it.
"I don't believe in organized religion."
"I believe in love."
"I believe God is too personified. I believe in him as a being of love."


Although, it's something I really need to think about. If I think about it, God "made man in his image." Okay. That may be true. I don't know yet. But what makes God truly GOD is his love.
Here's a basic list of emotions:
Joy
Trust
Anger
Disappoinment
Hatred.


I'm sure at some point in time we've all felt these emotions. But apply them in different situations: people you don't love and people you do love. Think about them all in that way, except for Hatred. We'll get back to that.
Joy: anybody can make you happy, even if only for a second. A stranger in passing gives you a smile, and for a second you've felt a connection with that stranger. They've made a small part of your day. A friend or family member smiles at you, and they've made an even bigger part of your day because you love them. Because there's love behind the smile they gave you. Happiness is amplified by love.
Trust: people trust in varying stages. Obviously some trust strangers more than others, but the more you grow to love a person the more you grow to trust them. And the more you grow to trust a person the more you grow to love them. The thing about trust is not that one grows and the other follows, it's that they grow together.
Angry: have you ever thought about how easy it is to be angry? That one fucker cuts you off and the rest of your driving experience is ruined for the day. But the next day you might wake up in a better mood. Someone you've loved and cared for makes you angry and it can ruin so much more than just a day. Just like happiness, anger is amplified by love. Anger is also resolved easier with love.
Disappoinment: This one is just the same as Anger and Joy, amplified by love. Think of how much stronger the disappointment you have in someone is when you care about them more.


Hatred: here's the fun one. Think of someone you absolutely, truly, with out a doubt hate. Not someone you dislike extremely. Now answer this: at one point in time were they someone you cared about greatly? If the answer is no, then did they wrong someone you've loved? Did they hurt someone you've loved? Did they take someone you've loved away from you? Are you seeing the pattern in my questions? 




The bible itself says it: God experiences all of these emotions. God is the only being with enough LOVE for the power of these emotions to be amplified enough to save a soul.
It's not that I don't believe in God. It's not even truly that he's too personified. It's that people take too much stock in the personification. God can do many wonderful and powerful things, yes. God DOES do these things. Look at how beautiful the world we live in is! (not at the people, but at nature.) But that's not what pulls at the hearts of millions of people who want to call themselves Christians. It's God's love.


So here's the part where I talk about organized religion: I FUCKING HATE IT. I believe faith is something that each individual experiences in a completely different way, and that churches should help guide people into finding their individual connection. I don't believe religion should have rules:"if you don't believe like me, you don't believe" is the biggest line of bullshit I've ever heard. I also think churches should be open to accept anybody and everybody. The most obvious argument: homosexuality. LOVE IS LOVE. love will always be love. LOVE is the reason I believe at all. Other arguments: the color of your hair, the tattoos and peircings you may get, any other physical appearance, shouldn't deem you a good or bad Christian. 




I'll leave you with the two bible verses i love:
Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not boast. It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on it's own way, it is not irritable or resentful. it does not rejoice in wrong, but rejoices in right. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, LOVE NEVER ENDS, as for prophecies, they'll pass away. as for tongues, they will cease, as for knowledge, it will pass away. for our knowledge is perfect and OUR PROPHECY IS IMPERFECT, but when the perfect comes, the imperfect shall pass away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the GREATEST OF ALL IS LOVE


------------


Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love

Tell me would you kill, to save a life?

I just want to say,
I'm really glad you understand me the way you do. I'm not sure what kind of state I'd be in if you weren't there to listen the right way. I'm glad you can always be happy for me, no matter how my life is compared to yours. I'm glad you let me trust you. I'm glad you let me love you. I'm just really glad I have you. and I just want to say it. 


tell me would you kill, to save a life? tell me would you kill, to prove you're right? crash crash burn, let it all burn, this hurricane chasing us all underground. No matter how many deaths that I die, I will never forget No matter how many lives I live, I will never regret There's a fire inside this heart and a riot about to explode into flames. 
Where is your God?

things i'm happy to have experienced that most people would regret:

• knowing how it feels to fall in love with someone who shouldn't of deserved you.
• knowing how it feels to have your heart broken by them.
• kissing the epitome of your childhood fantasy. and still being friends after.
• one drunken night of fun with someone, doing stuff you'd never do so quickly if you were sober.

why?

1. it's an act of self-realization. that i can see so much good in people. it makes me feel better about the fact that i care too much about people. 
2. it puts love into perspective for you. i'd never appreciate how much i loved adam if i broke it off with him. having experienced a broken heart means that when i do fall in love again, i'll appreciate it that much more.
3. i'm never going to regret a kiss i enjoyed. and he was the best kisser i've ever kissed. and i learned a lot about myself in the few weeks afterwards. and about what i really want right now.
4. call it slutty if you want, but it's really freeing to just let go and let physical passion and hormones (and admittedly, a lot of alcohol) rule over rational decision making skills. just one night of letting myself go to someone i don't want to even go on a date with. 

Don't judge me. 

Actually, please do judge me. Do whatever the fuck you want. When the one being that has the true right to judge me decides it's my time, it'll know that I've loved passionately, and if "God" is really what I believe him to be, that'll be what matters most. That's what's going to let my soul  continue to live and love freely.

Dear weather.

It is wayyy too fucking hot outside.
I don't appreciate it at this time of night.
I am trying to sleep and getting cranky........
Sincerely,
Ashleigh.

Ours.

That was ours.
How could you give her our thing?
How could you just let her have it like it didn't even matter to us?
Better yet,
How can I just not matter to you any more?

I've tried to just make you not important.
Distracted myself. Moved on.
I don't want you back, and I'll never want you back.
But you were still a very important part of my life.
How can we just cut each other out like that?
How can it be so easy for you?

Haikus

Just sit around a mope.

I would've made you happy,

If you could see me.

I won't ask for much.

I just want to live my life,

But I need your help.

Kiss me. Kiss me again.

Run your fingers down my side.

Kiss and don't regret.

Rainbows and Haikus

Paint a pretty picture, huh?

They tell different tales.

The Sunshine makes me

want to smile the day away.

I missed this July.

I dream of this way

Of corresponding with you.

You and I, strangers.

Following these rules,

No artistic expression,

Just me, I'm stubborn.

We have reached the end.

The thoughts on my mind are gone.

I've reached a new peace.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Interesting Theory.

I have this theory that I care about people excessively. I don't always show it, because I know I can come across as aloof or indifferent... But if anybody I know, even if I had only met them yesterday, called me at two a.m. and said "I need somebody," I'd be there. Which sounds like a good thing, but there's extremes. I'm convinced that the reason I didn't break up with Adam before he broke up with me is because I needed to love him. Not that I needed him to love me.
I mean, this excessive caring isn't necessarily a bad thing, either. It just... Is, I guess. I think I'm just going to leave this as a thought, try not to think about it too hard. I'm just going to let it be as it is.

Play The Game - an evil thought.

What if I made you love me, just because it was easy? 
What if I took the temptation just for the attention, 
but I didn't really want you? 
What if I made you swoon,
flirted with you and seduced you just for the hell of it?
What if I kissed you and caressed you,
ensured that you missed me, 
played you just like they played me?
Would it make me such a bad person?
Even further, what if I found it thrilling, 
having someone adore me
that I could care less about?
What if I used you just to have you around
when I wanted you?
What if I made you fall in love with me,
just so I could play the game?

Despicable Me.

There's something in you that redefines friend. This week for me has been hell. I've been put down by everybody and dealt with my psycho insane family and borderline verbal abuse. I've been the most stressed I've been in a really long time. And I needed tonight. Something about just being in your room, talking and laughing with you, makes me not so stressed. There's something about knowing that if I need to get something off my chest, you'll listen. And offer great advice. There's something to be said about how relieving it is to drive around dancing to Akon and getting silly looks. There's something to remember about being attention getters.
Even just wearing your clothes and smelling your individual scent makes my body relax because with you, I'm safe. I don't have to worry about anything because you're never going to do what he is doing.
Thank you for offering that serenity.

Life

 You were a spark inside of me that I don't even remember. A part of my life that I'll never get back. But from a spark inside me you grew into a flame and you kindled inside me for months. And then a raging gust of wind made you into a burning fire that wracked my body for seventeen unbearable hours until you were out of me. Now I'm holding you in my arms and you're a spark again. A spark of life, a spark of love. You are perfect. Ten little toes and ten little fingers, two tiny feet and and two tiny hands, one little body and one oversized head that you've yet to grow into. You are the literal definition of a bundle of joy and I make this promise to always love you.

I'm cooing at you and you're smiling away and I'm smiling back and I love you ten times more than I did yesterday, a hundred times more than the day before and a thousand times more than two days ago. My love for you has always grown exponentially since the day you were born. As we're smiling away you laugh at me and I squeal. Your first laugh! You're laughing! Oh, your giggle is an absolute melody that would put Vivaldi to shame. I could almost cry I'm so happy.


You're stumbling and you're a bit bruised but I'm elated because you've finally taken your first steps. You're marching to the rhythm of your own drum. Padum, padum, padum, pa-thunk. You fall. You turn and look at me, wondering whether to laugh or cry. I'm currently doing both but you notice my wide smile and giggle that same giggle that put all music to shame. I make a mental note to buy you tennis shoes.

We're sitting at the table eating breakfast and I'm in a rush because I've got to get you to daycare and I've got appointments with ten different clients, three of which I'm going to have to put on suicide watch today. I finish my cereal and throw a few papers in my folder, finishing up last minute things while you finish your breakfast and I hear you mumble something that makes me come to a startling halt. "What was that, sweetie?" Did you just say what I thought I heard? You repeat yourself and I smile. "Mommy," you repeat for the third time. "Mommy, mommy, mamamamamamamamommy." I sweep you up and hug you, and gaze into your big, beautiful blue eyes as you say once again, "Mommy."

"Mommy, book." "Mommy, up." "Airplane!" "Mommy, look, horsey!" "Mommy! Baff time!" "Mommy, seepy." "Mommy, truck." "Mommy, red." "Mommy, I'm hungry." "Mommy, I want this."
"Mommy, I love you."

Can we just stop here? You're growing up too fast and I miss the days where you wore tiny clothes and couldn't form full sentences and I could hold you for hours without you getting too heavy. Soon, you're going to learn to hate me. Soon, you're going to ask who your daddy is and I don't want you to know. I don't even know and even if I did, I don't want to share my daughter with anybody. Stop here while you're still too young for the world to hurt you. Please, don't turn three. Whatever you do, stay with me as you are, always.

"Moooom!!! I'm gonna be fine, mommy! Just leave! Come on, there's a thousand other kids here! Mommy, go!!! You're embarrassing me! Please, mommy, just leave! Stop crying, Mommy. Stop it. Mommy, go! Mommy, I want to go to Kindergarten and be smart like you, but you need to leave so I can learn!" You're too smart for me.

"Mom! I need you to sign this!" Well, what is it? "I got in trouble at school today. Johnny Bishop was talking smack to me so I smacked him!" I never raised you to be like that. "But you raised me to stand up for myself." Well, you're in 8th grade. Let's keep the violence to a minimum. Deal? "Whatever, Mom."


Clean your goddamned room! Don't be such a pig! Do your chores! Don't make me have to force you to pay rent! You can't go out with Dean tonight if you're gonna talk to me like that! I don't care if it's his one night with the car! Your cell phone bill is too high, I expect you to pay the difference! "Mom! Stop nagging me! God, I hate you so much sometimes!" My mind flashes back to the first time you told me you loved me, and I start to cry.



You're graduating from Stanford today, law degree in hand. Not only that, but you're the valedictorian. As you stand to speak, I see your hands shake. I'm smiling and I'm crying, just like I've always done for you. You talk about your achievements in life, you talk about your classmates' achievements as well. You narrate the journey you're all about to take into the careers you've all chosen and you start smiling with pride. That's my girl. You near the end of your speech and your voice quivers. "Last, I'd like to thank the one person who's always loved me. She's loved me since day one and every day since then her love has grown exponentially. Even when I told her I hated her, she's had my back. She raised me on her own and I owe her everything. I love you, Mom." I love you, too.

I watch you live your life. Your career takes off like wildfire. You meet a great man and you get married before I'm ready for it. I see the same spark that you were in me begin to grow in you. I hold your hand as you sweat through seventeen hours of labor (payback!) and you and your husband welcome my grandchild into this world. I watch through two more pregnancies, two more deliveries, and love three grandchildren.

Without me knowing it, something has sparked inside me. Like you, it catches a gust of wind and rages like wildfire inside my body. But, instead of growing life, it's death. Death ravages my body until I just can't take it anymore. We've been in this hospital and you've been by my side every day for the past year as I try to fight this wildfire that won't let me go. It's burned every last bit of my insides, and I know I've got to go. I look into your big blue eyes, and they take me back. 

I'm seeing your ten tiny perfect little fingers and your ten tiny perfect little toes. I can see your first steps, I can hear your innocent laughter, and I can feel the first "I love you," once more. I smile wide and I start to cry. I want to tell you but these tears have me too choked up. You put in my CD, a composition of Vivaldi and Tchaikovsky pieces. I close my eyes to rest for just a little bit. "I love you, Mom." I love you, too. I open my eyes, connect them one last time with yours. In them I see everything.

Ten fingers, ten toes, footsteps, laughter, love, learning, me, and you. I see it all. I see you graduating high school. I see you in your wedding dress. I see you in third grade. I see you as you leave for your first date. I see you when you're pregnant when your first child. Then suddenly, 

I see nothing but white light. 

You and me, and me and you.

We stumbled through a small part of middle school together. You'd just shown up in Alaska and I was the awkward kid nobody wanted to be friends with. We were friends immediately in my mind, although in yours I imagine that I was just an annoying kid you tolerated. Plus, I let you copy my homework in social studies. For a couple months, that was us. The two kids in social studies who couldn't stay quiet and were polar opposites. But we had similar interests. And you didn't know it then, and I only knew it subconsciously, but we were going to be long time friends.
You left for middle school somewhere else. We didn't talk for months until high school, when I saw you and you recognized me instantly - and welcomed me back like an old friend. You even invited me to your house for lunch that day with everybody else. You didn't exclude me. You made me feel like somewhere, I belonged. Even when nobody liked me, you stuck around, sometimes whether you wanted to or not. I wonder if you felt like you had to protect me from the dangers of the world. People were so vicious. There was a time we fell apart as friends because of Tessa. She didn't want you talking to me. Between me and her, what happened, happened. But afterwards I came searching for you, I forgave you for ignoring me, and once again, we welcomed each other back like old friends. We were younger than we are now but we were mature enough to do it then. And we battled through high school together. You always forgave me when I became too obnoxious because of my retarded crush on you, and I always forgave you when you got frustrated with me.
It's what we've always done. Forgiven each other and welcomed each other back like old friends. You've helped me through so much of life and I'd like to think that I was important in your life, too. And the past year we've been the closest we've ever been and now we're falling apart. Six years after that first day we met, we're falling apart because of miscommunication.
Is it really so hard to believe that I was legitimetally teasing you?! Do you not care enough about me to give me the benefit of the doubt? Do you really have THAT much of a problem with me, or are you being a drama queen like usual?!?! Seriously, I've always hoped better of you... And it hurts, more than anything, that you're doing this to me. It hurts more than Adam leaving me. It hurts more than Sable dying. It hurts that my best friend is shutting me out like this. Please, stop it. Forgive me and welcome me back like the old friend I am and always will be. I'll forgive you, too. Because you've got stuff to apologize for, as well.

Hello, friend.

You've infiltrated your way in, slowly but surely. You've captured my mind and I spend hours on end replaying moments and picturing that smile. I don't want you here, any more. I never wanted to like you this much. You were just really fun to kiss. Really easy on the eyes. And really fun to flirt with. I didn't expect to put myself through this much for you.
But then I saw past just those eyes and that killer smile.
I saw you as a person. I saw your free spirit and independence. I heard about how you've worked hard for everything you've gotten. I experienced your outright honesty. I've lived through your hospitality several times. I've butted heads with you many times because of how stubborn we both are about everything.
See... But when I saw all this, you stopped kissing me.
I was confused. But you were still cuddling with me - although I must admit I pushed that a bit. And you were texting ME. I tried to not initiate conversation, to not seem desperate. But you'd be so distant and then you'd do things like walk past me and scratch my back on the way. You'd smile at me with that killer smile, that spark in your killer eyes. Face it, you're a killer and you know it. And then, there was the no phone disaster of 2010. (Four whole days of no phone - it only killed me).
And you weren't inviting me out any more.
I was so confused when I finally saw you. Like, it'd only been all of a week and it had seemed like forever. But Keber told me to play hard to get so hard to get I played. And you CALLED me. That blew my mind - you made the effort to call me just to talk for a few minutes. Making effort - that's showing interest, right? Or am I reading too much into that? 
And there were the smiles when you text me. I was gonna be in north pole anyways, so yeah, I might as well give you your silly hat (that looks soo good on you). Somehow telling me that if I want to drop it off, I could, with a smile, it just seemed... Seemed like you wanted to see me. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.  And I was just going to give it to you and leave. But you wanted me to hang out, so of course I said yes. I'm too hooked on you to not say yes.
And you're thinking of me at one in the morning quite often. Because that's when I get those texts from you when I haven't seen you for a day or two: "what up." Not saying much but you're thinking of me. I'm wayy too hooked on you. You're like a drug I never meant to do more than once. And I'm having withdrawals and it's driving me absolutely insane.
I want to go back to being the backseat of His car before Her party. I want to re-live Her party. I want to walk back home with you, hand in hand, again. I want to go back to two parties before that, when we first kissed. When you were determined to not taste like alcohol for me. When I didn't have to worry about me liking you too much. Or if I were just overthinking all of this.

A Rainboy of a Blog.

I don't need you to protect me from you. I'm a big girl and can handle myself.
I appreciate the sentiment, though.


I love who I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not ready for change.
Doesn't mean I'll change everything, either.


I AM worth waiting for.
Would you stick around to find out?


If the answer is no, then fine. You're not gonna break my heart.
But at least tell me to my face.



I miss you. This is my preparation for telling you. Telling you that I want to "take you into my arms and tell you I never expected you to be perfect. I miss you being my friend but I can only love you for who you are if you let me." I can't handle it when people are so ashamed of who they are as THEMSELVES that they try to cover it up and make themselves appear as someone they're not. Always be straight up with me, because I'm always gonna see through your cover ups. 


I missed you so much.
Thank you for not calling me out my cowardice. For accepting my faults and having fun just like old times. And thank you for making me brave the mexican food, even if I only got a fajita quesadiLLa.


In twenty one hours and thirty two minutes, I'm going to be nineteen. I have no idea why I get so excited about my birthday each year, it just always happens to be the absolute BEST DAY EVER unfailingly each year. I'm hoping this year doesn't disappoint. 

Only human.

Wow, I'm rude.

And a liar.

And too quick on my toes.

So I'd understand if you wanted to just not be around me. I haven't been the nicest person. But I'm going to try to be a better person. I'm going to try to be less selfish. I'm going to try to see at least one more good thing in everyone than bad things. I'm going to try to be happy but not at the expense of others. I'm going to brush off what I've done and try to turn a new leaf. I'm only human, and I'm still young, so I'm allowed to make mistakes. Doesn't make it okay, it just means that I have time to be a better person if I actively try. I'll try my best.

Cowardice.

what if I were a coward? what if I knew exactly what I'd done to wrong you, and that's why I haven't faced you? what if I were too afraid to try and fix this because it means I'd have to face what a shitty person I've been?  what if I knew you'd been an amazing person and don't deserve to be treated like how I treated you? what if I knew that I hurt you? what if the guilt was tearing me apart?

you should know the truth....
I'm a coward.

Adios, Amiga.

If every time I open my mouth
state my opinion
you're going to act the bitch to me,
then fine.
at least have the fucking courage
do it to my fucking face.
I mean, I don't give a fuck
when's the last time
we talked anyways?
You weren't there for me when
I hurt.
You weren't there for me
ever.
So, fuck you. Because,
Bitch, I don't need you.
Never have, never will.
You always were a shitty friend
and now I can
feel
your words behind my back.
I can
hear
your whispers, rude comments,
I CAN SEE YOUR CONDESCENDING TONE.
And I don't need that anyways.
You've always been
and always will be
a bitch.
I'm too happy in life for that right now,
anyways.
So. Adios amiga, cause here's your own personalized
FUCK YOU.

Love and Sex and Magic.

Things that make me feel sexy.
Skinny dipping.
Sun bathing topless.
My shoulders.
Short shorts.
Knee-length socks.
Tights.
My face when it's tan enough to hide how red it is.
Working under the hood of my car.
Someone running their fingers down my rib cage.
Slow kisses.
Baby Blue Eyes (staring at me).
Wearing a sweater and no bra.
Playing softball in the sunshine.
Those jeans.
Corsets.
People complimenting my boobs.
Pedicures.
Riding my jeep with no doors & roof.
Dancing.
Boys winking at me. (there's one exception to that.)
Kicking Ass in a Call of Duty match.


This thing that you did, that I can't explain... It just felt amazing. Boy, your hands work wonders. 




Ilovefeelingsexy.

I'm sorry

I've been so caught up in everything.
Living life one day at a time.
Kissing cute boys. Not being home, ever.
I'd forgotten about my promise, to help you take life
one week at a time.
And that is my fault and I'm sorry.

And I'm really glad you'll forgive me.
Even when I'm not the person I should've been.

Skinny Dipping

Do you know what I did today?

Me.


I went skinny dipping with Jessy, and Sean stole our clothes. Okay, so story. Jessy, Sean and I were supposed to meet up with Garrett and Keber at a gravel pit to go swimming, but by the time the three of us got there, Garrett and Keber had taken off. So the three of us jumped into the pit ourselves for a bit. Sean got sick of it and went back to the car and Jessy and I went on a walk and found another pond and on a whim decided to get naked and swim. Absolutely amazing experience, by the way. Aaaand Sean drove over to see where we went and saw our clothes, grabbed them, and left.


There's nothing like being naked in the sunshine to make you feel absolutely sexy. There's nothing like fitting into THOSE jeans to make you feel amazing about yourself. 




It's so freeing to be able to live life. I'd never skinnydipped before, did you know that? I'm doing all these things around the age of nineteen that a lot of people my age did when they were sixteen. Or fourteen. I'm loving this summer more and more, especially without you. Without you telling me to not get my lip pierced. Without you telling me how to groom my body. Without you telling me to not get another tattoo.


I am living to MY STANDARDS. Doing what I WANT TO DO. 


This is so LIBERATING. I just want to scream to the world how amazing it feels to not be under your leash any more.


I feel absolutely amazing, thank you very much. You are no longer bringing me down.  :)


Because this.... is MY Stage Door.

How is it...

How is it possible that I'm the one you run to when you're in pain...
When we're not together any more?
I'm happy to be your friend, I really am. But you didn't even talk to me about this stuff when we were together, and now all of a sudden you're looking to me for comfort?
Alright......
Couldn't shelf hips comfort you?
Oh wait... She's not me... Huh, sucks doesn't it?
It's just annoying. Like, I'm more than willing to be there for you, but I'm not who you want any more and I don't want you any more, and you're proving that I'm still the one you need. Okay. Whatever. This is silly.
Talk to me. Please do. But I'm just confused as to why it took you three weeks after we broke up to do what you couldn't do after dating for OVER A YEAR.


Epic. Fail.

Fuck youuuu.

How you gonna be all up in my face like that? How you gonna act a bitch like that? Fuck you, I don't want you no more. And like, maybe, yeah I should've deleted that quote when I had the chance, but when I got there I still  believed that we were meant to be. But fuck that, we ran our course. It was the best run we could've had and we made great time. I don't regret a minute of it, but I don't want it back. I want to thank you so much for everything I learned with you and all the amazing times we had, but I can find that again, bigger and better, and I can see the other fish in the sea. (hehe... play on words. see, sea?) So fuck you, for gettin all up in my face over the silliest little things. I understand you hurt, I know you just lost someone and I'm truly sorry that you're hurting. But I don't hurt over you anymore and you can't ruin that just because you're in your own pain.

Fun is a really good kisser.

I feel better, now that I've got it out of my system. Adam doesn't want to come back. Frankly, I couldn't do long distance again and he's not moving here, that's for sure. So that's why it's so exciting that I'm having fun.

Fun is a REALLY good kisser...

IpromisedI'dfindareallygoodkisser,didn'ti?


And he's a sweetheart. Like, okay, he's not this college going graduate with a good job, but hey, it's not like we're anything serious. We're just having fun. But he really is adorable. Like at the party, he said he purposely didn't smoke anything because he "had the feeling I wouldn't approve." Good boy.

Fun gives me butterflies and I'm not expecting a relationship and I'm okay with that. Fun feels goooood. Fun hasn't tried to push me into doing anything I don't want to do which is great. And did I mention?

Fun is a really good kisser...

Love the way you lie- EMIN3M Ft. Rhianna

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
That's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

 I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin' hates me
And I love it, wait, where you goin'?
I'm leavin' you, no you ain't come back
We're runnin' right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great
I'm superman with the wind in his back, she's lois lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
That's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at em
You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch pop hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the face that's the culprit, controls you both
So they say it's best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
That's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm just gon aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to fuckin' leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I can't get over this song. It's just a perfect representation of my emotions. I knew Recovery was going to be really good for me. Thank you Shadyyy.

Shhh, it's a secret.

I love you.
for a second, I had hope. mistake number 1.
but to be fair, I was pretty tipsy. 
(yeah. me. tipsy.)
So since I can't stop loving you,
I guess I'll just have to go back to dealing with it on my own.
No more false hope.

I'm worth more.

You wanna be mad? Fine. Attack me with everything you can spit.
Put me through the goddamn wringer. (again). Let's see how I handle it.
I'm not going to antagonize you. Not gonna let you win.
I was ready, willing to be the bigger person, fucker.
And let me tell you, baby, I gave more than a damn.
Let you define who I was, who you think I am.
But you, you gotta go start those fights.
You gotta bring those things up like fire and ice.
All that respect I gave to you, maturity I brought into this situation,
You're throwin it out the window, won't even consider cooperation.
So fine, be the baby, see how much I give a damn.
Because I know, I'm worth more than you fuckin think I am.
And baby, I know now, I wasn't anything you wanted.
You told me lies, put up a front and broke my heart, with no remorse.
Honey, always remember, you chose this fuckin course.
No more playin games with me, I'm sick of you.
Being too fuckin stubborn to work anything through.
So do who you want, baby I don't give a damn.
Because I know, I'm worth more than you fuckin think I am.
I'm throwin the fuckin towel in, this shit just got real.
Fucker, it ain't me. I don't know what's your fuckin deal.
And when you're done being angry, let's see how this goes.
I'll watch you try and try again to put on another show.
I know who you were, and I know who you are now.
And I know I'll be gone when you come back around.
So live how you want, I don't give a damn.
I know, yeah I know, I'm worth more than you fuckin think I am.

Fantasy in Real Life.

I've lived a pretty rational life.
Don't get me wrong - I have some amazing, ideallistic ideas.
But I've always had that voice in the back of my head saying, it's not going to happen like this... This is what's really going to happen. This is real life. And guess what? Real life, it ALWAYS happens. Like, I wanted to be a secret FBI agent when I was a kid. But I knew I'd probably do something more realistic. Like teach. So instead of playing agent, I played teacher.
This side of me is why it's been a week and I've been able to be okay. I know I'm going to be fine. Things will get better over time. I know this all.
But you, you were my one fairytale come true. I met somebody and I fell in love. And you loved me back. You didn't just like me for a couple weeks and decide I was to insane for you, you embraced my insanity and loved me. ME. Of all people. Who was single almost all through high school. Who thought she'd never find someone who thought her beautiful inside and out. So the fact that you were doing something that was completely irrational and actually sweeping me off my feet blew my mind. You were my romantic comedy, my guy that I fell so head over heels in love with that I flew across the country to be with. You were my ideal fantasy in real life. The two have never coincided before.
So it's some combination of all these facts that lead me to believe that we're going to be together in the long run. I've had these fantasies that you flew to Alaska to be with me, that this dating Heather thing that you're doing was a joke, that this whole time I've been dreaming and I'll wake up in the morning. I've had these fantasies - and that little voice is saying "it's not really happening. that's never going to come true." Just like it's always said. But when I think to myself that you're going to miss me, and you're going to ask to be with me again, the little voice nods his head in agreement. My little, 100% rational voice, that I've always trusted, is telling me it's true. And for 19 years, he hasn't been wrong. So yeah, I'm going to be okay. Because we're going to be okay. You're going to realize that you love me too much to have just let me go.
But see, I'm confused.
Why hasn't it happened yet?
I mean, I guess it only has been a week. And I've been breathing just fine with out you. Don't get me wrong, I miss you like hell. And I know I still love you, and that I'll always love you. But I guess you're just too distracted to see that. To see that she'll never, ever love you like I love you. It'll never be the same as us. Because you and I have what it takes to make it. She's just a home wrecker. You're too immature to understand what she is. But you'll grow up. You're going to be an amazing man, once you do. I just know it. And if we don't get back together (if you've finally convinced that little voice of something other than the truth), then I'll still be okay. I suppose. People move on from heartbreak all the time. Notice how no one says they recover? Just move on? As for you, I hope you accomplish your dreams. I hope you join the Marine Corps as an officer, I hope you love your military career, and I hope your home is full of every gun you ever wanted. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I can't hate you anymore.

I can't hate you anymore...

What a concept. I think your "relationship" with Heather is garbage, and I want to tear her fucking eyes out, skin her while she's alive and pull every muscle from her bone by hand, but I can't hate you anymore. Even after what you've done. You've successfully broken my heart, and I'm in the process of putting these puzzle pieces back together. My heart, it'll never be the same. The cracks will heal, fill with scar tissue, and those scars, those lines over my heart will always belong to you. I don't think I would change that. I wouldn't change anything that has happened for the world. And I honestly mean that.

I love you, and it doesn't hurt me to say it. It's just fact. It's just a statement that will be true for forever. I may no longer be IN love with you, but I was. It was the greatest first experience of my life.

So when you realize how much you still love me, I'll be here. And I'll listen. I love you enough to work with you. I'm done with being angry, so I can't honestly say I wouldn't take you back. I've never honestly said I wouldn't take you back. It'd take time, it'd take effort. You'd have to show interest in rebuilding my trust in you. But I'll be here.

Gilmore Girls.

"You know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, two years ago! And you know it too, I know you do! Look, don't say no just to make me stop talking or to make me go away. Only say no if you really don't want to be with me" -Jess


Yeah. It didn't work for me, either, Jess.

Jewel and I have something in common.

Lyrics - You were meant for me by Jewel.

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far away from where I've been
I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
Got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks and make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off of the mirror, don't leave the keys in the door
I never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me and I was meant for you

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'cause it was happy and I was sad and
It made me miss you oh so bad cause

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me and I was meant for you

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
(Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line)
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken every day

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick up a book and turn the sheets down and then
Take a deep breath and a good look around

Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I, I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me and I was meant for you
Yeah, you were meant for me and I was meant for you

♥

Two words.

It's been three days since we've last talked, and in those three days I've had to do a lot of growing up. I've kept looking at my phone to see if you'd miss me, but apparently you haven't. I want to talk to you but at the same time, I know it'd do me no good. I need to hate you for a little bit longer. Someday, most likely someday soon, I'll want my best friend back. Today was almost that day. But it's not, because I still need to hate you. So... Enjoy your time. I'm having fun. Softball tonight was amazing. I'm living perfectly with out you. It's not the same, but I'm breathing... And I'm okay. That's the important thing.

I'm okay.

Things that are NOT going to happen.

I AM NOT...


Going to let you win... You will NOT get the best of me and you will NO LONGER tear me down.

Yes, I still care. I still hurt but you will NOT get joy out of this.

I will NEVER let you break me again.

I will NOT let you break me any more.


You will NEVER find someone who loves you like I did, and you WILL have to live with that for the REST of your life.

FUCK THAT.

You're quite honestly the biggest asshole I know. I hate you so much right now. I'm going to find someone so much better than you. Someone who works well with me ALL the time, and not just most of the time. Someone prettier than you. Someone who wears socks with their tennis shoes! Someone who will always show me how much they love me, and not just do it whenever they choose.

I hate you. I hope she makes you amazingly happy. Then I hope she rips your heart out and stomps on it, and leaves you for someone else. I hope she lies to you about it. I hope that everything you did to me, happens with her. And most of all, I hope you sleep with her and she gives you the clapp. You make me sick.

And on this day I love you.

If I were to be granted one wish, I'd wish that I could go back exactly fifteen days in time, with the knowledge that I have now. And I'd spend every second I could telling you about how and why I love you. I'd tell you what it is about you that makes me feel amazing. I'd apologize for being so self-centered. I'd tell you everything that I hadn't told you in a while about how amazing you are. I'd poke a little bit of fun at you because that's how we were, that's what we'd do. I'd spend the next fifteen days putting 100% of my effort into making you feel appreciated. Because despite how under-appreciated I felt, I think back on what had been going on lately and wonder if you felt that I under-appreciated you. And if after re-living just those fifteen days and trying to make things better, you still didn't want to be with me, I'd be willing to attempt to move on.

I want to...

Scream.

I want to get my ass down to Tennessee and make you tell me to your face that you don't need me.
I want to call you, and curl up and cry at you until I feel better, until you tell me you love me (like I KNOW you do).

I know you need me. You've needed me all along. You need me just as much as I need you and I want to be able to tell you that I love you again. It KILLS me talking to you and not being able to tell you. It kills me to not be able to call you. It kills me to not be with you. It kills me that you're hanging out with Heather. It kills me when people tell me there's plenty of other fish in the sea.

YEAH. THERE'S A FUCKLOAD OF FISH IN THE GODDAMN SEVEN SEAS. I DON'T WANT TO DATE A FUCKING FISH. THAT'D BE NASTY. And plus, even if I were to take what they say at it's metaphorical value, no other fish is YOU.

Do you know how hard it is for me to think of going through everything I've been through with you, with someone else? How could you want that? How could you want to leave me?

I hate. I'm angry. We BELONG together, you fuck. It's absolutely RETARDED that we're NOT together. Six thousand miles shouldn't have killed us, because we had plans to make it through. You and I were going to tough it out together because we love each other. Plain and fucking simple. And I KNOW you're going through a lot but like I've already told you, I would've been there for you through everything.

But there's one thing that I want more than anything else.

I want to wrap myself in your arms again, tell you exactly how much I love you, kiss you goodnight and fall asleep...

Shit... This is my fault...

I definitely shouldn't have read Cosmo articles...

Apparently, I know nothing about guys.

You weren't silent every time I got mad because you didn't care. You were silent because you're a guy! And when you're born with a penis your taught to be tough, to not be emotional because that's "girl stuff" and that's just how you are! And I pissed you off and pushed you away because I got mad at you for being silent.

And according to this particular Cosmo article, you didn't stop being such a romantic because you didn't care, but because (surprise) it's normal guy behavior to get comfortable in a relationship and not feel like they have to put the romantic effort into it. ""When a man is confident his relationship is solid, he enters a comfort zone," says Dr. Haltzman. "He'll stop doing those extras because he doesn't need them and assumes you don't either." Unfortunately, this leaves you feeling insecure." Cosmo says. I know for a fact that me being insecure made you angry. 


I irritated the SHIT out of you and per your nature, you never told me. I wish it hadn't of built up to this. 

I love you.

I firmly believe that two people who love each other should be together.
    Which means this circumstance has been gone about wrongly.
    Which means you and I should be together.

Isn't not being with me and missing me going to hurt more than being with me and missing me?

I AM BREAKING.
How can you not be? How can you not be talking to me?

I'm sick to my stomach. I can't eat. I can't smile with out feeling like my heart is being cut apart with dull scissors.
    Side note- I haven't had to write the word scissors in a long time. It was confusing.

I'm praying (literally, believe it or not) that you will want me back. I know it'll take a while, but I know that we weren't over. Because our love is amazing. Because we rely on each other. Because you  need me. You'll need me soon.

I miss you so much. It hurts to love you. It never hurt to love you before. Loving you is what made everything that ever bothered me for the past year hurt less. It shouldn't hurt to love you. It shouldn't of hurt you to love me. I HATE that it hurt you. I hate that you never told me.

We had plans. We were going to work through this. It was going to work out and we were going to be together every day. We were talking about driving each other crazy with being together and it was driving you crazy being apart.
     And you  never said a word.

You've changed me. Into a person that doesn't know how to exist with out you.
It's hard to believe that you're existing without me.

I love you enough to have wanted to fix this.

All this stress and I had never dreamed...

...that you would just give up on me. :/

I want to know when we couldn't handle the distance anymore... I want to know when it became too much for both of us. I want to know when love wasn't enough, because your love was everything.

NO!

I refuse to give up just yet. Because things had just started getting better. And I could feel him love me again, and he's going to have a good reason, I just know it. Because I'm not ready to just let him go. Because I love him.

And if he doesn't have a legitimate reason, I'll re-evaluate.

Because if I were to talk about the good, it'd take a while. There IS good, there's a lot of good. So, No. I'm not going to give up just yet. I just can't.

The best compliment I've ever received :)

Timothy Snow-Gates: I like how you speak your mind, like when my lover of the day was Kevin Alt and you stuck up for me. You have a kind soul, and an open heart.

Red Sun.

On my way home, I saw the Red Sun. Our sun. Earth's sun shining down on us through a filter of smoke hovering over our homely town of Fairbanks, Alaska. I noticed it as I drove down Steese and decided I needed to take a visit to the cemetery. I didn't get out of my car, but there was no need. I knew what I was doing, who I was doing it with and what they'd be wearing. At that moment I was an artist, under the Red Sun. And tonight it was what I needed. Not what I wanted, because what I wanted I can't get yet, but it's what I needed to settle me enough to stop myself from freaking out and trying to find my damn emotions. I've been pulled up and down the Richter Scale on emotions this past week. Within a twelve hour period I went from saying goodbye to my best friend indefinitely to knowing that I'd see him in another twelve hours. In that order. But I'm not here to talk about those emotions, I already wrote my goodbye out on this blog. You know what I noticed on my trip to the Cemetery under the Red Sun? I noticed a bunch of broken homes. Now, I have no idea of any of these families situations, but I know they were homes because they were lived in. Broken fences, make-shift pathways and accumulations of living in a small house over a few years. I saw an elephant and I recalled elephants being a good luck charm in front of your home. In this broken area, in our decrepit cemetery I found peace for a little bit.
I've been finding myself longing to be in protective arms, and wondering how much longer I can stand this. So much of who I am asks for physical comfort. Something I can't get without Adam here. It could be a year from now before I get that again from him. I love him to death but being apart is what's killing me. At the same time I'm incapable of just saying "Fuck it" because I've never loved before and I just can't imagine letting him go.
Do you by chance want to hear a really inspirational song? One that only encourages me to move forward even when I'm lacking in motivation? "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run. I heard this song my freshman year in high school and it's still one of my all time favorites. I even took the time to learn it on the piano 100%, it took the course of a year. But I had the dedication to do it. I think Lavina would really love that song. Also, "And We All Return To Our Roots" by The Forecast. Heard that about the same time, but I haven't ever been able to hold on to that song... I've always meant to buy it on iTunes but never actually done so. I'm not sure why but that seems to be my relationship with that particular song now. I just find it when I need it in my life. There used to be this really good show on FUSE called Steven's Untitled Rock Show, and I found both of those songs on that show. I miss that show to pieces. It seems like everybody my age has this huge connection with music and I don't want to be grouped with the masses by talking about songs that I've lived through and labelled as just another teenager living life. But I'm a musician, it's what I do. In Australia, Jesse Mancini and I danced to the song "Blood Red Summer" by Coheed and Cambria five times straight, instead of going to the talent show. He was someone I had a huge connection with, and we could only live out three weeks of our lives together. Sometimes I wonder if he remembers me, if he ever thinks about me. We could've fallen in love. I'll never stop believing that. But I understand that the time has passed, and I've fallen in love with someone else. Which is ok. It's more than ok, it's great. When I was 15, my sophomore year, Michael Berglin (HUGE DOUCHE) took me to prom. We were never going to work out because he was a bit retarded and I was just too young, but on the ride home afterwards, "By the Way" by RHCP was on the radio, and Logan was in the back drumming along. Michael and I were singing. It was nice to have our fucked up little "date" end on such a good note. That was my first date, actually. I've only actually been on two dates prior to Adam. And even then, Adam and I were already together when we went on our "first date." Sydney and I used to listen to Eminem all the time in sixth grade. He was practically our hero. Once again in Australia, I found his version of "Like Toy Soldiers" in our host family's cd collection. I absolutely love it. It's actually playing right now, it's perfect for this mood. Rachel and I must've listened to it a hundred times in 3 days. She was so nice those 3 days and such a bitch the rest of the trip... But I still have this picture she drew for me.
I wish I knew what I was doing. I mean, I know I'm going to school. I'm making money. But I want to live. I want to go on a road trip. I want to fly to Germany and visit Auschwitz. I want to see Stonehenge and I want to tour the Coliseum. I want to get out and travel, and frankly, that's ALL I want to do. Fuck school. Fuck making money, paying bills, worrying about people. I just want to get out and see as much of the world as I possibly can. I want to get a Challenger and drive the worth out of it. But it's not about what I want to do.
It's about what I need to do.

I don't know how to deal with this. Everybody who's ever seen me for the past four years has known that you are my best friend, and that we've been friends for years. I was your first friend here in Fairbanks, even if you didn't know it. How could we both not know that from the time I told you that you looked like Hannah that almost six years later we'd be saying goodbye to each other in tears. It's been the best of times, and it's been the worst of times, and we made it through side by side. Now you're off to a new life, one that I've expected since day one, and I don't know when I'm going to see you again.
"Someday we'll meet up again, when you're a head doctor and I'm a paramedic with free schooling." Yeah, but I want to see you before then. "We will. Weddings, birthing of chilluns, you know." Just come back to me, ok?"I'll do my best." I love you. "I love you too, kiddo."
You read that letter ahead of time, prick. Just know that I'll always love you and you'll always be an important part of my life. I hope you stay safe and I hope you get the most out of basic that you possibly can. Try not to miss me too much ;)

The Poison.

And you'll fall down a hole.
That's the one place we both know
You take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't go
I guess sometimes we both lose our minds, to find a better road.


I've said it all already. So many times! I deserve the respect I'm asking for. I don't know how to say it any other way. I don't know how to ask you to love me anymore. In one way I suppose it could be comforting that she knows how much you love me. But I need to be the one who knows. I need that assurance. She's not part of this relationship. This is you, and this is me, and this is us. I'm not willing to give up my best friend and first love with out a fight, so be prepared. And now more than ever, I need to know that we are going to work. So do what you can, because I'll go down fighting, but I won't fight forever.

It's just that...

I'm madly in love with you,
and you're my best friend.
And granted we're not perfect, and I'm legitimately angry.
My grandfather says "there's plenty of other fish in the sea..."
Which is true.
But no other fish is my best friend like you.
And I don't love anyone else like I love you.
And if it weren't for those two things,
It'd be easy.
But it's just those two things.
Simple, complicated things,
that make it impossible
for me to just let go.

What part of MINE can't you respect?

There's boundaries! There's things you don't tell guys with girlfriends, or in general guys at all! You, Miss Lady, are NOT allowed to become that comfortable with him. Only *I* can be that comfortable with him, because only *I* am his girlfriend of over a year and only *I* should have that connection with him. So like it or not, I'm allowed to hate you for a little bit, because since I heard it's been nagging me a little more every day. Obviously someone never taught you these boundaries but guess what, they exist. I'm sure if you did eventually start dating who you're supposed to be, someone who is single and who, more importantly, is also not -->*MY*<-- boyfriend, they wouldn't be too happy with you just spreading all your personal and bodily information to every guy you happen to talk to.
So I'm just going to hate you a little bit until you go away. Until you're not the new, exciting thing for him to pay attention to. The sooner you go, the less I'll hate you. And trust me, I'm allowed to hate you, because I'm quick to protect what's mine and you're pushing it, Miss Lady.

English Class

you talk about poetry
like you know me
i mean, yeah it's been a while
and I never was one for writing
a ballad or sonnet
always just let the words flow
reaaaal low
and now they tell me it's free verse
and yeah, they get it,
they get these moods
but you and your
"rhyming scheme"
you and your
"structure."
you say that makes you a
"real poet."
what about me, homie?
these words, these emotions?
they're not poetry?
I never claimed to rap
never claimed to be black
but I ran this course long ago
was a poet in my soul
and it hasn't left me
you won't get the best of me.
so fuck you and your
"rules"
i still got my soul, my rhythm
MY poetry
don't talk about me
like you know me.

Out! Get it out! GET IT OUT!

Oooh you sly, clever little bitch you. You think you can infiltrate your way back in but I'll let you in on a little secret... I'm close enough to you to tear your fucking heart out. You lost your chance and as long as I'm here I'll do my damned best to make sure you don't get it back. I'm a spiteful little bitch and I hate what you've done. Don't test me.

About You.

So much of this blog has been about you. About us. I've been angry with you. I've been overwhelmingly happy with you. So much of Stage Door comes back to you. But this is my Stage! This is my life and I'm living it! You're just an immense part of it. It's kind of scary to think about how you've invaded and infiltrated my life... And how much I love it. How after a year I still haven't gotten enough of you.

You know what I miss? I miss this. The immense feeling of pride in myself. I'd worked 13 hard years for this goal... Only to go to more school. This cosmetology thing is really weighing heavily on my mind lately. It's something I definitely would love doing... But it's such a big decision...

I miss the day you saw this picture and you told me about your reaction. Make me feel like THAT again... Make me feel sexy again. Because it was wonderful.

Summer.

Everyone is anticipating it. It's exciting in Fairbanks. The sunshine, the memories, the spring fever that doesn't go away till August. It's absolutely amazing.

I wish you could be here with me. 


There are certain things I love about summer. Swing sets, the midnight sun, sidewalks. I love the blue of the sky, and the big pillow-y clouds that don't threaten your sunshiny day. Softball on Thursday and Friday nights. Picnics. Walking the dog. Going to the lake and playing the water. Hanging out with friends till 4am because it's still light out. 1am barbeques on my birthday.

Why can't you be here to enjoy it with me?


Nonetheless, I'll love summer just as much as I always do. It'll just be hard to do it with out you. <3

And I Need You Now.

I'm breaking out your sweatshirt today...
I haven't slept with it since before you came to visit.
But tonight, I need a little piece of you here with me, because I miss you.



Come back to me.

Photoblog

With my new camera, I've decided to start a photoblog. I'll still blog on this one and for the most part I'll only use the other blog for my photos. here's the link

http://ashleighlives.blogspot.com

My Bed

is so big.
so cold.
so lonely.

where are you?

Two Days :)

I want to write a blog. I want to write about the books I've read in the last couple of months. I want to write about a lot of things.

But all I can think, in a constant loop, is

TWO DAYS,

until I see my love again :)

I'm probably going to regret this later.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I don't even know WHY I was pissed off in the first place,
I just WAS.

I'm sorry I'm irritable,
but you fucking aggravate it on purpose sometimes.
You KNOW that shit annoys me, so why do you FUCKING DO IT?!

It's not funny.

And you can't just say "I'm sorry, I won't do it again."
And then five minutes later do the same DAMN THING.
Because then I get like this.

Then you go to bed mad at me.
And I dwell on it and get even more fucking angry.

And it's rude and that's not how you treat someone you're supposed to love.